please read, anyone else ever felt this shit?

[Tomatosauce1]

sorry, really not sure what im hoping to get out of this or why im even posting on here, just wondered if anyone was on here who has had a similar situation and can offer advice about what they did to feel better

I feel so so shit, I can't even believe im admitting it because I think Ive been in denial about it for a while but ive realised things aren't too good right now and I just have no idea how to feel better now

I graduated last year and was so unbelievably excited to start my job. its something ive wanted since I was so young and I spent so many hours at uni studying, crying and dreaming of graduating and starting my job because its all I ever wanted, but it turns out im actually pretty shit at it and over the last few months ive just felt worse and worse, like as if im sad all the time and like im a failure. it sort of breaks my heart to think how excited I was on my graduation day- I worked so hard at university and started my job with so much excitement and enthusiasm and I still love the job itself but ive never felt so awful in all my life

I just down understand what's wrong with me. Every time I make a mistake I feel worse about myself, like in my head its as if im telling myself that im a failure and useless and the job would be much better without me working there and fucking everything up and making everyone else's jobs x10 harder.

with the position im in, I have a clinical supervisor and im sort of expected to make mistakes. But sometimes our work gets so busy and overwhelming and then I have other colleagues trying to hurry me up or asking why im taking so long, then it makes me feel like I should be faster even though I know its ok for me not to be as fast or good because im only in my first year, but at the same time it makes you feel shit because you're basically being a liability.

my supervisor is really really nice, but I worry too much (Im naturally a worrier) and I can tell ive been frustrating her- understandably from her point of view- because im always worrying about things she's told me not to. Now she thinks I dont listen to her or take anything on board that she tells me and I really really try to because she's amazing at her job and she's helped me a lot.

all I do is work, study, sleep and cry, even on my days off now/study days. its like I dont want to do anything anymore and I honestly can't remember the last time I felt happy. I pretend to be happy every single day and I try to laugh and joke and have fun and to be friends with everyone because I dont want to seem miserable or bring other people down because that's not fair on them but i feel utterly miserable inside. im doing well academically in my exams but ive never felt like such a failure for some reason and its weird because my supervisor and other colleagues are absolutely lovely and do not hate me, but for some reason my brain keeps trying to convince me that im a liability and a failure and everyone probably hates working with me etc

its 10pm at night and im going to get ready to go to sleep now, not because im tired but because I just feel so sad and at least when im sleeping I dont feel sad anymore

I can't talk to my clinical supervisor about it because its not fair to put this on her and its not her job to hold my hand, and I can't talk to my family because they're so proud of me and I can't bear to tell them how miserably im failing

im well used to being a nervous person (I always have been!) but im not used to this weird feeling of sadness. its like everything just feels so black and gloom

does anyone have any advice on how I can toughen up and stop feeling so shit? x

I feel like you should talk to your supervisor and also your family.

You won't be the first person the supervisor has seen have a wobble on their first year.

Best of luck.

Sweetie you CAN talk to both your supervisor and your family about this. I know your brain is screaming at you that you can't, but you can. I PROMISE you it's OK to talk about these things. Even choosing one person. If you have a relationship with your mum/dad and you feel like they would want to help you if you were upset or in trouble, then I think this is the place to start. Just blurt it all out if you have too, cry as much as you need but you have to get fresh perspective as it sounds like you are currently really poorly mentally and need more help than your brain will allow you to look for. Put this on other trusted people and I promise it will get fractionally better and then much better and then wildly better - it really will. Sending so much love xx

I think you need to seek some support asap. Could you call a helpline to chat through things to someone impartially? Or contact your GP. Feeling this sad all the time must be exhausting and you shouldn’t feel resigned to always feeling this way. Life should be for living.

Does your employer have an employee wellbeing service? Ours does and you can access counselling via them.

I used mine when our final staff of 27 where whittled down to 2 and redeployed (bloody Tories) and it felt almost like a bereavement - I had such 'imposter syndrome' for the first time ever in my careers because some amazing people had been let go I was not.

Also, not sure what break you had between graduating and starting work - but I got awful depression after graduating - having been so busy and focused for so long it was numbing.

You aren't alone and I bet you are not 'failing' - you are still learning - on the job.

You don't need to "toughen up" at all. But it sounds like therapy would be helpful if you feel like you can't speak to family or friends. Don't keep it to yourself though, and it will get better if you take steps to get some help. Some sort of imposter syndrome / anxiety is very common in new jobs.

It sounds like you need some respite, a few hours a day not thinking about work and a good day or two absolutely clear of work if you can over the weekend.

You've got a touch of imposter syndrome and anxiety going on. I supervise someone who gets anxious about everything and it is annoying to be honest because I ask them to do something and it's not done but I instead receive 20 questions and concerns about doing it. I just want it done. I think it's better for you to recognize it's anxiety and it's not your work quality. A good strategy might be to spot someone who IS bloody awful and everytime you feel like a fuck up just think back to them and realise that you're doing it better than they are. And there is always someone who is worse that you. My person is called gill. If gill can do it so can I.

If you look around you carefully you will realise that other people aren't naturally better at the job than you. They might be better at handling stress and they might be faster because they've been there longer and the job routine has become second nature. You'll get there. Talk to your supervisor and see what support available. A work buddy or a mentor may be beneficial.

I do think you need to see your GP - this would be a really constructive step to take to break this cycle you are in. You cannot just let this drift. It is very hard when you have worked your tripe out to get to where you are and things are not working out as you had planned; but it is OK to admit that you are struggling. There is not a single person on this site who has not had periods in their lives when they too were struggling - it is part of being human and not a cause for shame.

My chidlren are adults now and I would have been very sad if they had not shared their times of trouble with me. And I have felt proud of them when they have done so - when they have had the self-insight to know when they need some help. Trust me - your parents would rather be your rock than be in the dark.

This is your time of struggle and you will find a way through it and learn from it how to tackle it when it happens again - as it will; life is no picnic.

Pick up the phone tomorrow and make an appointment with your GP. Make that a definite plan for tomorrow morning.

Sending a big handhold. You will get through this - you just need a bit of help at the moment - and that is OK.

I can't talk to my clinical supervisor about it because its not fair to put this on her and its not her job to hold my hand, and I can't talk to my family because they're so proud of me and I can't bear to tell them how miserably im failing

You absolutely CAN speak to your supervisor and your family. Is it the NHS? It’s so stretched, it’s a high pressured place to work so there’s bound to be stress. But you are new and learning. Please remember that.

I’m sure you won’t be shit at your job. You admit, that you’re a natural worrier. So you will be overthinking all your mistakes and worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet.

You family won’t think you’re failing. You’re not failing. You are going through a rough patch and need support. Please don’t bottle it all up.

Breathe. Remember why you are studying and training for this. Things will get better. You’ll improve and become faster and more competent with your work. We all have to start somewhere.

Just a thought, but it may be the workplace, not you, that’s wrong. Could you get a job in another setting? It may be a case that you’ve landed in the wrong workplace, and you may be super doing the same job elsewhere.

I promise you that anyone you speak to. Your parents, siblings, colleagues any one of them will have been in this situation also in whatever aspect of their lives that they do and they will say the right things to you and encourage you. To let it out you’ll feel so much better for it. Speak to someone. “Hugs”

ps I’ve been doing my job 32 years (I’m 49) and i still have days I doubt myself and mess up. You’re human not a robot.

I trained as a teacher after graduating. It was what I wanted to do so I had no second thoughts about it. It turned out that I was not very good at it and this realisation caused me a great deal of anguish.

When I finished my placement I swore never to try it again, and not to inflict my uselessness on children (or so my thinking went at the time). After eight months or so of no job I resorted to doing supply teaching to make ends meet. On my first day supply teaching I got the timetable mixed up and actually ended up missing supervising a class that I was meant to, while I sat in the staff room oblivious. That was a dark day - I genuinely thought I was “cursed”, which sounds ridiculous now, but I even felt suicidal.

The point is, you will overcome this stage and your life is NOT over. I managed to find something else and I am reasonably competent about it and happy. Some things are just not meant to be, and that is ok. You will get to a better place too, even if it doesn’t feel like it now.

After graduating and getting my first job, I did feel like it was a shock, and the adjustment seemed hard, see how you go, it could just be you getting used to things

You're just starting out, don't put to much expectation on yourself.
You've done the work to get where you are, graduated, don't give up.
You just now need to make the transition from Uni to doing the job in real terms.

Odd thing to compare it with but when taking driving lessons I told both of my DC reality was they were learning how to pass a test where an inspector thought they were safe enough to be on the open roads by themselves only once they had passed they would actually learn how to drive.
But it's similar in that you're probably not going to be as quick as everyone else but it'll come, mistakes will be made but get back on track and learn as you go.

I can't imagine your supervisor would be ok with knowing you're worried, and as for others making you feel pushed just be open and say that you're doing your best, is it possible that because you come across as being jolly and jokey they feel your up to speed and are coping OK, I know if I was a colleague and you left knowing the reason why I'd be quite upset that you never mentioned that you were worried.

Easy to say but hard to do I know but just slow down and you'll soon find things fall into place.

Good luck.

If it is the nhs...I feel your pain. I was the same. Especially at the beginning everyone else seemed clued in and quick and I wasnt. After 30 + years I now realise that different people with different personalities have different aptitudes for different jobs. Not everyone is good at everything. I worked in a job I was very good at (eventually) and many colleagues came through the doors who despite being good in a different area weren't so good in my area. It was very busy and yes it was frustrating but I reminded myself that I was that person at the start too. Everyone takes time to develop and learn. Hopefully you are surrounded by supportive people. Also don't assume too much. I felt awful about myself then went on a study day of sorts and had lots of positive feedback from colleagues which helped me realise I had a very negative opinion of myself and lacked confidence. Of course it is important to reflect.on what you do but remember to focus on the good things you do too.

It won't always be good ( or bad) and if it is the nhs, the pressurised environment doesn't help. Some people.thrive in high pressure environments and others in less pressurised but still demanding areas.

Do remember that if it doesn't feel right for you that's OK, there will be other opportunities and jobs, sometimes it takes a while to figure out what suits you best.

Graduating from Uni is 100 miles away from putting everything you’ve learned into practice - even though you may have had placements at Uni. It’s a whole new ball game. Your clinical supervisor will have seen this before, and they’re supportive, you’ve said she’s great.

I wasn’t in a clinical setting but OMG the mistakes I made teaching in my first year (to me) were huge, to my mentor they were tiny and things I could improve on. Rome wasn’t built in a day! You learn by mistakes in every career, absolutely no one is perfect in the jobs they do and if anyone tells you different they’re lying.

Speak to your supervisor, they sound very supportive and you sound overwhelmed. Perhaps this isn’t the career for you but give it a chance, tell your supervisor how you’re feeling that’s why they’re in the position in they are.

I agree with @AngelQuartz

Definitely speak to your supervisor, that is part of their job. Please don't leave it as it will get worse, being honest about your struggles will help from a work point of view IMO, esp if its NHS then they should be able to support you.

You must speak to your supervisor and say you’re experiencing a lot of stress at work due to anxiety about making mistakes. It sounds bad enough for you to be signed off sick with stress.

I suspect your working in health ? If so the setting may be all wrong for you with unrealistic expectations for a newbie .

I would look at moving ( lots of new grads do this until they find the right setting that suits them) . As a grad we all moved a lot often and still do . If you stay it's likely to kill your confidence further so have a good think and take control back

@Tomatosauce1
it sounds like you are in nhs and newly qualified. First years can be really tough. I didn’t speak or socialise in work for the first 6 months because I was overwhelmed with realising everything I didn’t know and this was pre-internet. I sat with huge books and journals every moment I could and made notes in my notebook and taught myself what I needed to know. I read the data sheet compendium on every medicine ever licenced which was far more in depth than the BNF and kept it under my bed at night. It was so tough. But after three years I remember thinking you could throw anything at me and I was on it. It takes time. But you are not alone and you are not failing. Chances are you are a high achiever with high expectations of yourself and you need to be more gentle on yourself and know that everyone has been where you are. Please see your GP/OH and please chat to your friends at work. They are the ones who will truly understand and reassure you it’s all normal and gets better.

Whatever it is you're doing, it sounds hardcore and high pressure. I would put money on everyone at your level feeling it and I imagine you are pretty normal and just need practice, like a normal person.

I used to work with vets and watch them flake the second they hit the real world after vet school. These people are high achievers from priveleged backgrounds and they go through school getting good results, praised and patted and them boom! The real world hits them and they fluff up, or the customers arent impressed, even nasty to them and their boss is bitter and brusque. It must be like being plunged into cold water!

Do you still love it? If not I'd look for alternatives, life is too short, if yes then do me a favour and stick with it, i bet in 6mo, a year, 5yrs you'll look back and laugh and be showing the newbs what to do.

You can talk to people.

You need to try and chill a little. Take a day or two off. Don’t think about work. Try to relax your mind.

I think you have imposter syndrome and it’s escalating in your mind. You have to try and change your perspective. Instead of thinking how bad something is and focusing on that and worrying what everyone is thinking. Try to focus on the positives. The small wins- there will be some. What things have gone well over the last week?

Over the next two days, try to focus on each task and complete them piecemeal. Plan it in your head and execute. Don’t let the sound of worry infiltrate. don't let the bad thoughts in. Don’t worry about what others are saying or thinking.

Just focus and do.

If you can do that for a couple of days, I’m sure things will get better, you have to shift your mindset from being worried about what others are thinking to celebrating what you have done right. Perhaps write down every day somethings that went ok.

Take some time to stop and breathe…go for a walk… rebalance.

Remember everyone starts from the bottom. It is ok to not know everything. Be kind to yourself. We have all been there and others will understand.

keep breathing, keep focused. You’ll be fine.

Sorry OP, probably not much helpful.
You'll stop feeling sh*t when you become more experienced with people and life, I guess.
I'm from a different country and generation, so addressing my feelings wasn't a possibility.
Felt sht after graduation (what now with life), noone there for support, felt sht at work and bullied by abusive parents.
That's all in the past, though.
Idk about getting help, but for sure you need to and will toughen up, as I did. 💚

You sound like most junior doctors I know. You’re definitely not alone in this, it’s not just you.
Humour goes a long way.
The old hands in the job will help if you own up to struggling. There will always be arseholes who will make you feel like shit, but believe you me, the others around are seeing this and are waiting for the opportunity to pay the dickheads back on your behalf.
You’re living in your own head too much. It’s what happens when you just work, sometimes eat and sleep and nothing else.

I understand your dilemma. But you need to understand that we’ve ALL been there. The imposter syndrome, the fear, the relentless catching up with jobs that you feel you should be sailing through by now. It’s only temporary.

You sound exhausted. It’s ok to have a ‘cold’ for 7 days to get your head together. Speak to friends and family, to your supervisor. Get some counselling done. Go out for drinks, look after yourself.

What you feel is normal, but it’ll get better, I promise you.

If I were you, I’d jump on a plane for a long weekend in the sun. And then come back and tackle it.

Big hug, you’ve got this.

OP so sorry you’re feeling this way. Sounds like NHS healthcare and as you’ve mentioned clinical supervisor potentially you’re an F1 dr? I could be wrong so apologies if i am. First couple of years on the shop floor really is a baptism of fire. It’s hard work physically and emotionally and feels like very little reward as everyone is sick and often angry with us (although we do get lots of choccies and appreciation too) and the system is so broken it just doesn’t allow you to do the job you would like to.

It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and it’s normal to worry. You’re probably doing loads right that you’re completely discounting and only focussing on the negative. You said yourself that it’s expected that errors will happen. The system should be set up so that when you’re that junior there is someone to ask. I’m a senior clinician (graduated 2014) and I would always always want someone to feel like they could ask me something rather than make decisions on their own no matter how silly it seems. You’re not expected by anyone to be a perfect finished article or to be able to work completely independently like a very experienced member of the team. Access the support you have whilst at work. It’s a great step you’ve already been speaking to your supervisor and whilst you’ve said you don’t feel like you can go back to them (although like others have said - this is 100% their job ) there are other people you can talk to. Is there anyone on your team you feel you can discuss with? GP is also a good start. If you’re working in UK practitioner health is a really good app that triages you quickly and provides mental health support quickly for healthcare workers. I have used and many of my colleagues have and can’t recommend enough.

I know it doesn’t seem like it but a lot of people will be feeling the same as you - just feel like they have to hide it like you have said you do. Ultimately feeling like you’re living two lives will make you even more exhausted and it’s great to be able to vulnerable and explain exactly how you feel. This will not look badly on your character but will show that you know how to look after yourself, prevent burn out and to seek help when necessary.
happy to discuss further if needed - I’m new to MN so unsure if there is a DM option. I promise you you will be ok. Big big hugs