please read, anyone else ever felt this shit?

[Tomatosauce1]

sorry, really not sure what im hoping to get out of this or why im even posting on here, just wondered if anyone was on here who has had a similar situation and can offer advice about what they did to feel better

I feel so so shit, I can't even believe im admitting it because I think Ive been in denial about it for a while but ive realised things aren't too good right now and I just have no idea how to feel better now

I graduated last year and was so unbelievably excited to start my job. its something ive wanted since I was so young and I spent so many hours at uni studying, crying and dreaming of graduating and starting my job because its all I ever wanted, but it turns out im actually pretty shit at it and over the last few months ive just felt worse and worse, like as if im sad all the time and like im a failure. it sort of breaks my heart to think how excited I was on my graduation day- I worked so hard at university and started my job with so much excitement and enthusiasm and I still love the job itself but ive never felt so awful in all my life

I just down understand what's wrong with me. Every time I make a mistake I feel worse about myself, like in my head its as if im telling myself that im a failure and useless and the job would be much better without me working there and fucking everything up and making everyone else's jobs x10 harder.

with the position im in, I have a clinical supervisor and im sort of expected to make mistakes. But sometimes our work gets so busy and overwhelming and then I have other colleagues trying to hurry me up or asking why im taking so long, then it makes me feel like I should be faster even though I know its ok for me not to be as fast or good because im only in my first year, but at the same time it makes you feel shit because you're basically being a liability.

my supervisor is really really nice, but I worry too much (Im naturally a worrier) and I can tell ive been frustrating her- understandably from her point of view- because im always worrying about things she's told me not to. Now she thinks I dont listen to her or take anything on board that she tells me and I really really try to because she's amazing at her job and she's helped me a lot.

all I do is work, study, sleep and cry, even on my days off now/study days. its like I dont want to do anything anymore and I honestly can't remember the last time I felt happy. I pretend to be happy every single day and I try to laugh and joke and have fun and to be friends with everyone because I dont want to seem miserable or bring other people down because that's not fair on them but i feel utterly miserable inside. im doing well academically in my exams but ive never felt like such a failure for some reason and its weird because my supervisor and other colleagues are absolutely lovely and do not hate me, but for some reason my brain keeps trying to convince me that im a liability and a failure and everyone probably hates working with me etc

its 10pm at night and im going to get ready to go to sleep now, not because im tired but because I just feel so sad and at least when im sleeping I dont feel sad anymore

I can't talk to my clinical supervisor about it because its not fair to put this on her and its not her job to hold my hand, and I can't talk to my family because they're so proud of me and I can't bear to tell them how miserably im failing

im well used to being a nervous person (I always have been!) but im not used to this weird feeling of sadness. its like everything just feels so black and gloom

does anyone have any advice on how I can toughen up and stop feeling so shit? x

You need to talk to your gp about how you’ve been feeling, explore paying for therapy and purchase yourself a copy of overcoming low self esteem.

@Tomatosauce1 You aren't failing, you are learning.

Please talk to someone about how you are feeling. I can guarantee it will help.

Have you got a support group of people who are in the same position? Might be helpful to chat with them . I understand how you are feeling though having suffered anxiety and depression most of my life . It holds you back and stops you getting on with things. Everything is 100 times harder than for normal people who take things in their stride.
You have done so well to get this far , achieved so much so I think you should seek support to help you relax more into your role .CBT might help .
i have just started to read a book called Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima might be worth a read ?

You sound like my ds1 a few months ago. He graduated as a vet last year and went from being a high achiever to feeling as though he didn't know enough, and wasn't good enough.

It's a massive responsibility as his expectation of himself was that he had to be as knowledgeable as an experienced vet.

I spoke to him about my experience as a first aider and how the patient moves through the system-

Heart attack victim:
I keep alive until the more experienced paramedics arrive.
The paramedics keep alive until they get to A&E
A&E keep alive until admitted to a ward
Ward has specialised staff that start to fix the problem.
Overseen by a very experienced head of department.

A first year graduate student is higher up that list, nobody reasonable would expect them to have the working knowledge of those lower down. You are at the beginning of your journey, go easy on yourself as you are learning still.

Speak to your clinical lead and your family. The former will have heard it before, the latter will support you.

You sound very performance driven, which is great (for the most part) in an academic setting where you're largely in control of your own destiny and the external variables are limited - i.e you study hard, get out what you put in. Chances are you're a high flyer/ achiever? Then you start work and performance takes on a new definition. Suddenly you're there alongside more experienced people and you naturally compare yourself with them and for the first time ever, you feel lacking. Performance anxiety is a real thing, and is often at the root of imposter syndrome, so it becomes entrenched self doubt which is hard to break out of.

Op, you're not the first person to feel this way. But the route you now take is in your hands and only you can do something about it. Those who develop confidence in their abilities tend to be more resilient. That resilience feeds more confidence. That confidence feeds better work performance. You are highly anxious and performance driven, you are at higher risk for stress and depression. In your position, I'd be speaking with the GP and getting some support for the anxiety in the first instance. Your low mood is a direct consequence of your likely perfectionistic personality. A therapist would support you to begin viewing mistakes and failure as opportunities to learn and develop. Nobody learns from getting everything right all the time. They'll help you reframe your expectations of yourself. And a GP will determine whether you are depressed and need more immediate intervention.

Ghostylovehelps advice I would agree with.
You are only human. It is important to be in a good, happy, stable place within yourself.
Seek out someone to confide in and do not be disappointed or ashamed rather than be proud of yourself.
What do you do outside of work? Interets,
Always ask your work questions, and if they can not be tolerant, are they suited to be helping you anyway?
A good employer and workplace make it supportive and adapt to how you learn or work best.
We spend way too much time at work to be unhappy, find what you need to get yourself into a happier place/space.
Focus on you, not what people seem to think or feel about you.
When it comes to the crunch..we are all replaceable, our own self is what matters in the end not our job.

Don't forget every job has a learning curve. Some more than others.

Starting a new job is hard even for experienced people who are a long way into their careers.

It will get easier, so try to hang in there. Speak to your manager about some mentoring etc. Ask them if they have any tips on dealing with specific issues. People tend to be more supportive than you'd first think.

Good luck.

Please make an appointment with you GP. I guarantee that he/she will know exactly where you are coming from.

I was like this after going through redundancy discussions a few years back. I took on a different role in the organisation and I literally just couldn't get it. It was an absolute nightmare for me and I would cry in private all the time. I just didn't understand the job. I started studying at the same time to refresh my skills which just made everything even more pressurised.
(new very difficult job , intense studies repeated over and over again)
It must be hard for you. You have a skilled job you have studied hard for. Don't be so hard on yourself.
I have always said this throughout my life and for the most part it is true. Something may feel alien, completely unachievable but one day, just one day - trust that everything is going to fall in to place and it will just click - and you'll most likely look back and thank yourself for persevering. Professionals don't just become professionals. It takes elements of 'failure' to become the best at what you do.
I totally get that your confidence is being knocked sideways right now, but ride this storm out if you can. You are still there doing it, and that counts for something.
Remember that worrying will do nothing. So try turning that mindset into confidence. Every time you would normally think 'I cant', start saying 'I can'. Practice it enough times and you'll start believing it.

It sounds to me very much as though you have developed clinical depression.

It's not really normal to spend so much time at uni crying because you're so passionate about your studies/career. I suspect your mental health has been poor for quite some time.

Please book in to see your GP and talk to them about your options. Then book a meeting with your clinical supervisor. Maybe you need to take some time off, maybe you just need to find ways to ease the pressure for a bit. But start with the GP and go from there.

I get what you’re are saying as there is not enough time for patient care and the follow ups notes documentation. It takes experience to balance that and know when to pushback and the smart ways of working

Are you medical?

The problem is that some personalities like to hit the ground running and are very confident, some try to do the job well but feel very responsible and struggle with mistakes. It's a phase of adjustment that's hard until you have enough experience to be confident based on your abilities. Don't be down on yourself.

Seriously, thank you so much everyone for the help and advice. I think i need to maybe have a chat. I’ve never felt so awful in all my life. Today I went to work and spent the entire time close to tears and miserable. The thing is I did my job absolutely fine and I talked to everyone fine so it’s not as if my job or social life is affected by how I’m feeling, but it feels like such a massive effort and everytime I was on my own it suddenly hit me that I feel horrendous and a failure and crap. It’s as if I was putting on an act I guess and it was exhausting. I feel like I just make so many mistakes and I’m basically a liability there. I’ve just come home and gone to sleep because I’m so exhausted and I also don’t really feel like saying awake because my brain just wants to mull over how awful today was and how awful tomorrow probably will be too. I was supposed to be seeing friends tonight and I had to make a shitty excuse and I think they probably think I was blowing them off and I’ve been an utter arsehole for cancelling them last minute too but I just couldn’t face it

im going to take a trip to the gp when I’m off and ask for literally anything that might help me x

Are you a dentist ?

I hope you can get a speedy appointment with the GP and that you are able to organise some help to get you out of this dip as soon as possible. Lots of good luck - there will be a solution.

It sounds to me as if you might be a bit depressed, and if you are already anxious, that’s a difficult combination. It also sounds like support at work might be a good idea. There are great helplines (The Mix for example) if you are under 25 and you could get support whilst you wait to see your GP, especially if you are going to have to wait.
Please also look at www.docready.org.uk: it’s a great resource for visiting your GP about your mental health, it really helps you prepare for what to say and if you find yourself a bit tongue-tied, you can hand over what you have prepared. Good luck!

Honestly this happens to a lot of people when starting out including myself. Don’t feel like you have to carry this all on your shoulders. Reach out to your supervisor and be honest with your family. You will honestly feel like a weight has been taken off you. At the end of the day you are still young, still learning and still finding your way in the world. I’d see what support you can get and stick it out until things get better. If you still feel like this in 6 months and nothing has changed then maybe have a thing about what other roles you could go for or if you can get the same role in a less stressful environment. Hope it all goes well.

Thank you very much for the help. I absolutely love the job itself, which almost makes me feel more annoyed at myself for feeling so shit because it means so much to me IYSWIM. Im definitely going to take a trip to the GP when I’m off next week and ask for some kind of help just to get through this bad spell.

I honestly felt so numb and miserable all week it was awful, then to top it off a colleague (same kind of job as me but just not junior) came in to tell me about a mistake I had made (nothing serious, just a simple error which didn’t have any consequences but still a good mistake to know I made and learn from) and I must have looked slightly down or upset, I don’t know why because I had used every ounce of energy to make sure I looked happy and bubbly as I didn’t want anyone at work to know how shit I felt. Anyway I must have looked disappointed in myself for making the mistake because he proceeded to tell me to toughen up and stop acting like a 5 year old and that I was so pathetic and had to grow up and toughen up. No idea where that even came from, or why he felt the need to tell me that, but I think he was trying to be funny/banter rather than hurtful but obviously it stung a bit. I just said something like oh ok I’ll try and then walked off (then spent my entire car journey home crying about it of course) I already felt like a liability and then him saying that made me feel so, so much worse. Obviously he didn’t know that and it’s not his fault I was feeling down but it was like a huge kick in the teeth after an already awful week x

I am cross on your behalf . Sorry but some people are such insensitive pricks. I would be more open maybe and told him thank you very much for making you feel even more crap.

You're newly qualified in what sounds like a difficult and demanding role. It is expect that you will struggle - that's why the supervision exists.

Your clinical supervisor is there to help you, to listen to you - that's their role. Talk to them.

Talk to your family, tell them you're finding it tough.

Some other people might be better at the 'fake it till you make it approach' - underneath I bet they're feeling similar to you.

Talk to any employer support service that are available.

Talk to your GP.

Basically - get help, talk to people.

It is hard, you will need to find coping mechanisms (preferably healthy ones) and to find them you need to talk to people.

Yeah I really wish I had said that, I think I just felt so numb and exhausted with it all and I was trying so hard not to cry in front of him. Unfortunately other people heard it too because it was in a public place, I was so annoyed at him for it but then the other part of me was like well maybe he’s right, maybe you are fucking everything up and maybe you are a liability etc

ahh I wish I could switch off my own mind sometimes

definitely going to take a trip to the GP and ask for help, I never again want to feel as shitty as I’ve felt this week x

Is this nursing by any chance??
Have you looked at imposter syndrome op?

Hi, are you an FY1 by any chance? I'm a consultant and have been through the training and can relate to how you feel. It was so worth it in the end.
Feel free to PM me.

Are you a PA? It sounds like something medical.

To a degree, you do need a thick skin and a super dose of resilience to get through it, but you sound as if you're on the edge of burn out.

Burnout is a very real thing in medical fields, and if you don't get on top of it, you can spend a long time off work. There should be some sort of well being type department that you can talk to, possibly part of Occ Health, and they'll be able to give you specific tailored advice. they will have seen it all before, dont be embarrassed