To ask how to get the spark back without scheduling sex?

[FridayNightsAlright]

DH and I have been together 20 years. We have lovely kids. We have a comfortable life and get along really well. Everything in our relationship is fine, but there's no spark, no sex, no romance.

I have absolutely zero desire for sex. He does, but I actively cringe away from him when he tries kissing me or touching me. If we want to talk "love languages" his is absolutely physical affection, and mine is gestures. I don't instigate sex or physical touch, and he doesn't think of gestures. We are totally incompatible in that way, but I also know that each of us would feel more fulfilled and more inclined to meet the other's "love language" if our own needs were met.

I think my lack of desire stems from a few places. Tiredness (full time plus kids who don't sleep = exhausted), always being "on" (I am the household project manager, and I can't switch off) and also - honestly - a lack of attraction to him which stems from the mental load and also I think resentment that he just tries to go in for a snog without any foreplay (and I don't mean literal foreplay, I mean gestures - i.e. a glass of wine, whipping the vacuum around or even just remembering to get the school bags ready before I have to ask).

A lot of suggestions I've seen talk about scheduling sex or intimacy. I cannot think of anything less sexy. I hate scheduling sex. Even to the point of hating it when the kids go to grandparents, because I know he will instigate it at that point - like there's a part of my head (or elsewhere) which clamps shut at the idea of any kind of planned sex.

Spontaneity is the thing for me... but also NOT when I'm tidying/working/making dinner... no boob-grope in front of the oven please. I appreciate that this is a hard balance for him to strike, as our opportunities for him to sweep me off my feet are limited these days (less "take me roughly against the wall" and more "hold on whilst I move all the Peppa Pig shit off the sofa").

I guess we are just really incompatible with the pre-sex stuff. This was less of a problem pre-children but now it's become insurmountable. I've tried talking about what he likes, fantasies, etc. and he doesn't want to talk about it. I've tried to suggest ways of making things more interesting e.g. ties, roleplay, etc. but he isn't interested. Talking about these things really helps me get in the mood. However, on the rare occasion we do have sex, we both really enjoy it. We're really compatible and I always arrive satisfied.

How do I break out of this cycle? He's my best mate and I want to make things work, but really can't see how to get our spark back. He is completely against counselling btw. Help!

The problem is you see him as a best mate! All of the above, if you wanted to you would. You obviously don't want to....

I know scheduling sounds grim, but if you do actually enjoy it when it happens you might find that once you get the ball rolling as it were the spontaneity and enthusiasm might start to come back? What you're doing now isn't working obviously, so unless you want to give up completely then there will have to be some compromise initially. I am speaking from experience - after a very long dry spell I initially found resuming our sex life a bit awkward and uncomfortable. Totally back in the stride now though!

Have you got anyone who can mind the kids for you one day at the weekend?

If so, I'd tell him "I'm taking the kids out for a bit and then to xyz's house later. If you sort the kitchen out/do the irlning/cleam the bathroom/whatever, you won't regret it when I get back"

Then give him a wink and go out.

You don’t fancy him. That’s your issue.

I don’t know what more he could do really, it just sounds like he gives you the ick to the point your legs clamp shut. Not good.

I can see why he doesn’t want to discuss role play when you don’t even want to kiss him. Sounds confusing for both of you.

I'm in a very similar position with my DH. Plus I've had years of lazy behaviour from him both emotionally and practically.

I don't fancy him - either because it's linked to my emotions about him, or because I physically don't fancy him. I think it's a bit of both.

I can't see how a marriage can work if one of you fancies the other and wants sex and the other isn't into it.

The replies here are grossly unfair, not to mention lazy. Marriages go through peaks and troughs.

OP, if your stress levels are high your libido is going to suffer. So that’s one thing to look at improving. Following that, you likely need to be provided with new stimulus to aid arousal – and that can be anything you like the sound of. But it will take effort – you say you’re sort of unwilling to meet each others love languages and each other’s communication styles surrounding sex. You simply both have to get over those barriers. You don’t have to schedule sex but you should schedule a time dedicated to discussing it properly.

Maybe it’s just the time of life you’re at? Me and my DH went through a couple of years similar, even the sheer mention of sex would infuriate me. Somebody else wanting something from me when I just wanted to sit the fuck down!

Our children are less needy now, and our sex life has started to come alive again. I fancy him more now than ever, and him me. I’ve more room in my brain for him. And, I think my change of attitude has had a positive effect on him, the more I want it the more he’s eager to please me. He’s also become a lot more confident, probably because I’m not shying away from him all the time.

I say to him ‘foreplay begins in the morning’ for me. If he behaves like a grumpy 4th child all day I’m not going to be interested in evening delights am I!

Hopefully you can both find your mojo again, especially if everything else is (genuinely, hand on heart!) good.

You’ve got the ick because he leaves all the mental load/household admin to you. He’s not attractive to you because you’ve fallen into the ‘mothering’ role of him as well, so unless he bucks up his ideas about being a full partner then the idea of having a healthy adult relationship is simply not going to happen.

I think all of the above are true which is what makes this so tricky. Do you have any child free time or is this all around waiting for the kids to go to bed?

Not to make it sound like you need to trade chores for sex but I do think a serious convo around unloading some responsibilities is needed. You need less on your plate, he needs to step up more and then you will have the space to have time to yourself and fit sex back into your lives.

Your really over complicating this. Just start with having a couple of planned sex nights a week until you get into the swing.

It very much sounds like resentment is part of it. Sadly this is the case for so many women. I started off being madly in love with my husband. Then after 17 years of him living in my house, never reliably working, doing nothing in the house or garden, not maintaining the vehicles and pursuing his hobbies relentlessly AND wanting sex everyday I refused to have sex with him any more and he left.
We are not housemaid as well as working, being a mum and doing all the life admin.
If men can't understand this they need to grow up or go.
Most of us are pleased with so very little and we don't even get that.

Could you do a bit more in your own head? Talking about sex turns you on, so what about thinking about it, reading about it, deciding what you're going to do with him? Talking about ut with yourself as it were?

If you have great sex once you get there, try to enjoy that part instead of insisting he become someone he's not.

Don't get me wrong, I have the most enormous eye-roll at men who won't talk about sex, won't do counselling - gah! Stupid. But actually it sounds like there is a lot of good here. You do enjoy sex, you love your family, sounds like it would be a cold day in hell before he betrays you tbh. So it's worth trying to make the best of this. There are plenty of men out there that talk a good game but can't make a good time actually happen.

When we were in this situation we talked about where we both felt we were at and basic platonic intimacy had managed to get lost in the crazy ships in the night parenting young kids and going a degree...
It has got to the point where fitting with each other felt weird... Which was not how it was when we married!
We decided to go right back to the small stuff, we realised even basic stuff like eye contact was right down.
So we made sure we greeted each other, said goodbye, and positively noticed and appreciated each other. Listened, made eye contact, physical contact with no sexual intentions, hugs thank you squeezes all that kind of thing.

The warmth came back, we stopped being co-parenting zombies (it had been a tough 3 years). Because the warmth was back, the humour returned, misunderstood jokes stopped being a thing, there was more give and take, we noticed each others efforts properly.

Then we allowed flirty touches, and kisses, but zero pressure, so no sex still. Desire increased and flirting did, so both of us were more inclined to want to please the other...

And we built from there. We are about 6 years on now and have a good sex life again, in fact better than before as the trust is huge, we both value what we nearly lost and we both know how to please each other. We've been together 22 years.

Also, we found this book absolutely invaluable...
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-But-Not-Relationship/dp/0747585520

The book is not wishy washy self help speak naval gazing bollocks, it's real and accurate and gives solid useable advice.

P s my experience was just talking about rebuilding the lost spark.
If your sexual interests are different and that's getting in the way, it doesn't really address that, but maybe it'll be helpful in some way.

We schedule in one a week the other one/two more often times tend to just happen because we've enjoyed the scheduled one. And if it's a long week and we don't manage it because of various reasons it always go ahead regardless on that scheduled day.
You should try it at a time that is mutually agreeable

Check which times of the month you feel more up for it - it's classic to be more in the mood around the time you ovulate, for example. Then, buy yourself something you feel absolutely ravishing in - eg sexy silk underwear/ red snap crotch basque/ revealing little nightie/ gorgeous perfume - whatever makes you feel like a hot as hell version of you (don't be afraid to role play a little)... And then ambush him at bedtime, or whenever works best in your schedule. You will surprise him, and maybe yourself as well.

If you hate scheduling, touching and kissing; are you open to just jumping him whenever / wherever? Would he be receptive to that? How can he signal you when he’s in the mood?

I can’t see how else you’d break the ‘best mate’ spell 🤷🏽‍♀️.

He does, but I actively cringe away from him when he tries kissing me or touching me.

There’s no getting the spark back, you’ve got the ick.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I do still find him attractive - we were at a wedding recently, both scrubbed up and childless. He was great conversation all night, funny and brilliant company. Unfortunately it was the wrong time of the month (no judgement, just not our thing), but I would have jumped him that night if I'd had the chance!

I think it's - as some replies have said - I feel like I have to mother him / be his employee. He does a lot more around the house than a lot of blokes, but I am 100% still the "thinker" and I really find it hard to switch off. When we go on holiday I am much more relaxed and feel more inclined to sex. I know this is a me problem.

It helps to know I'm not alone in this, and that other people have been here and got the spark back. I miss the intimacy of sex but I don't seem to be able to get over this block.

I'm watching this one as I'm in the exact same position.
Love and find my husband attractive but have zero desire for sex most of the time.
I think part of my issue is the same as OP, I am just exhausted from working, having a small child and being 'on' all the time. The other part is I don't like how I look after having a child so can't see to get out of my own head to initiate or reciprocate.
When we do it, it is great but it's just getting to the doing it part that's the hard bit!
I'm trying to focus on looking after myself a bit more and finding myself again as something other then just being a mother. I am hoping that this will boost my confidence and help us get back on track.

You're the self proclaimed household project manger = your his mum = turn off.

Things need to change. Serious chat and stop doing all the jobs around the house. Like tomorrow...

How about this? Schedule it to yourself and get ready to surprise him? Last week DP and I were watching tv but I really wanted sex. So I went upstairs, put something sexy on and send him a picture and said come upstairs! I’ve never heard him run upstairs so fast! Sounds like once you both get going it is great!