To ask how to get the spark back without scheduling sex?

[FridayNightsAlright]

DH and I have been together 20 years. We have lovely kids. We have a comfortable life and get along really well. Everything in our relationship is fine, but there's no spark, no sex, no romance.

I have absolutely zero desire for sex. He does, but I actively cringe away from him when he tries kissing me or touching me. If we want to talk "love languages" his is absolutely physical affection, and mine is gestures. I don't instigate sex or physical touch, and he doesn't think of gestures. We are totally incompatible in that way, but I also know that each of us would feel more fulfilled and more inclined to meet the other's "love language" if our own needs were met.

I think my lack of desire stems from a few places. Tiredness (full time plus kids who don't sleep = exhausted), always being "on" (I am the household project manager, and I can't switch off) and also - honestly - a lack of attraction to him which stems from the mental load and also I think resentment that he just tries to go in for a snog without any foreplay (and I don't mean literal foreplay, I mean gestures - i.e. a glass of wine, whipping the vacuum around or even just remembering to get the school bags ready before I have to ask).

A lot of suggestions I've seen talk about scheduling sex or intimacy. I cannot think of anything less sexy. I hate scheduling sex. Even to the point of hating it when the kids go to grandparents, because I know he will instigate it at that point - like there's a part of my head (or elsewhere) which clamps shut at the idea of any kind of planned sex.

Spontaneity is the thing for me... but also NOT when I'm tidying/working/making dinner... no boob-grope in front of the oven please. I appreciate that this is a hard balance for him to strike, as our opportunities for him to sweep me off my feet are limited these days (less "take me roughly against the wall" and more "hold on whilst I move all the Peppa Pig shit off the sofa").

I guess we are just really incompatible with the pre-sex stuff. This was less of a problem pre-children but now it's become insurmountable. I've tried talking about what he likes, fantasies, etc. and he doesn't want to talk about it. I've tried to suggest ways of making things more interesting e.g. ties, roleplay, etc. but he isn't interested. Talking about these things really helps me get in the mood. However, on the rare occasion we do have sex, we both really enjoy it. We're really compatible and I always arrive satisfied.

How do I break out of this cycle? He's my best mate and I want to make things work, but really can't see how to get our spark back. He is completely against counselling btw. Help!

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I’m old but I’ve spoken to so many women over the years that felt like this. Hundreds. Most of the women I spoke to had sex out of duty to their husbands or to feel ‘desired’. But not because they particularly physically needed it. It makes me conclude that your antipathy is very common for busy mothers in long term relationships.

Men have testosterone to kept their mojo going but for many women their sex drive falls off a cliff when they’re mothering and home making. It comes alive again in affairs and office flirtations and I wonder if it’s about esteem and the freedom to see yourself as a sexual being again (apart and individual from your family).

You say you enjoyed the wedding - child-free, scrubbed up, having fun somewhere new. Perhaps that’s the key. Try dating him, ‘have an affair’ with your own husband. Flirt. Play. Tease. Delay. Laugh. Get a babysitter and have a night out together. Anything to break the cycle of domestic familiarity which is getting in the way.

I agree with this, couples counselling would really help. You need to see him as a full partner not another child. I wonder if gestures even is your love language or you're just desperate for him to pull his weight.

Following with interest, I was actually considering writing a very similar post today. 20 plus years together, 2 young children but SAHM and he WFH. It’s like having a teenager. Spend my time washing his clothes and he comes down for food. I do all life admin/ finances/ housework et . He’s a great dad and does what he can around a stressful high paid job. We have really lost the spark, total friend zone which he’s so upset about. I’ve lost my drive, it’s gone, I would rather sit on the sofa and watch Netflix. Another demand on me. I want to, want to so much. I want to feel sexy. And reconnect. Life is just so hard at the mo I feel like a housewife and not a sexy one! (He also suggests it when I have a few hours on my own in the week childfree and I’m between doing the jobs like washing and washing up, I can’t turn it on just like that)

I’m so relieved to read this post as we’re at a very similar place! No ick thankfully but zero interest in sex and DH similar. Every few months I have to instigate a conversation about it as he’s too prudish to talk about sex generally. We then schedule it in and then something comes up/random bleeding/general exhaustion and it doesn’t happen. Then the same conversation 3/4 mths later. Rinse and repeat.
we have three chn under 12 and stressful jobs. I’m in peri and just so unmotivated to do anything about it any more. I’m kind of hoping it’ll somehow come back but not sure how or when. The only time it happens is the once or twice a year the kids stay at a friends house. I think part of our issue is DH frets about the kids being awake. But then I’m asleep by the time he believes they’re asleep 😂
but I’m glad we’re not alone and also relieved to see others have made it through the other side!

'Unfortunately it was the wrong time of the month (no judgement, just not our thing), but I would have jumped him that night if I'd had the chance!'

Aw op a BJ would surely have been possible whatever the time of the month. The more sexual contact you have the more you'll want.

Intimacy is an important part of a good relationship so I'd stop focusing on the domestic stuff and focus on the physical side a bit. Both of you, not suggesting it's all down to you.

Sexless relationships only work until a third party appears on the scene and shows a neglected person the attention they are missing at home.

I was recommended this podcast episode and now cannot recommend it enough. Don't let the title turn you off, it has some incredibly valuable and so relatable info about why woman so often do not want sex with their significant others and it gives really helpful suggestions too. Also good if you get your dh/dp to listen to it too

open.spotify.com/episode/3FiBFliXrHbOuIp3s6dFSj?si=mGVKIkuYTZCJBfqYarKhmA

Read the book Come as You are by Emily Nagoski. I've always had a low sex drive and reading this was absolutely illuminating and taught me so much about how female sexuality actually works.

Consider stopping hormonal birth control if you're on any. For me it absolutely kills my libido even deader than dead. Probably because there's not a huge amount of it to begin with.

Something that really helps us is having a massive work project style review every month or so and calender check. Especially just before we have some child free time !

Get a shared online or phone list going with all the family house, school, admin and social life stuff in one place and go through it all. Afterwards you may feel a lot more in the mood and he might take more responsibility on. Try a few things, maybe a trello board if it gets your mind clear.

also get a lock for your bedroom door - that helps relax too

edit trello from trellis !

Could you get in the mood by watching a sexy film together or something? After you've BOTH worked through the list of chores, put the bins out and get the kids to sleep obvs 😂

Also you could try reverse psychology and ban sex for a bit and see if it makes you want it again.

I don't think scheduling is the answer. You've said that you like spontaneity but not when you're doing the chores...this makes it seem like you've only considered him coming onto you...which you admit that it would be difficult for him to find the right time for.

How do you feel about spontaneously coming onto him?

I think you need to schedule more time that's condusive to you being spontaneous rather than scheduling time for sex. You've mentioned that when you're on holiday you ease up a bit. Can you make space for more holidays? Short weekend getaways? Date nights but not with the pressure of sex just for the sake of relaxing together.

Feel the same watching with interest.
It just isn't hot being the "Mummy".
Also, my patner is frustrated at work so I have to listen to triggered downloads of that every single night too

Schedule dates when you fun things together that allow you to spontaneously want sex

honestly I think you may just need to schedule to get the ball rolling if you enjoy it once you’ve started. We hit a rut and didn’t have sex for about 6 weeks. We agreed to have sex at the weekend and that quickly became 5 times a week and we maintained it. It became the norm rather than the exception

Same boat here OP, thanks for posting and am following the replies with interest

Thanks ducksinarow123. I have read Karen Gurney's book and it's amazing. Problem is getting him to read it.

You say :

have absolutely zero desire for sex. He does, but I actively cringe away from him when he tries kissing me or touching me

I felt like this with ExH. I hate to say it, but maybe your marriage is over?

Now, with current DH for 16 years, and feel total desire for him 24/7. We could be in the middle of a row, and if he kissed my neck, I'd be up for sex.

I'm not sure how to get a spark, when you don't fancy him. If everything else is good, I would 100% schedule sex, because doing it is the ONLY way to reignite what's missing.

You say you were wanting sex at the hotel - but your period stopped you. Why? Sounds like a convenient excuse, in your head, to convince yourself that all is not lost. You could have easily still had sex, and if you were horny, you would have.

Do you fancy other men? Does the thought of another man having sex with you, turn you on? When my first marriage was disintegrating, I definitely thought about having sex with other men, which was a clear sign that things were going downhill.

I used to feel like this. Young children, all touched out, massive mental load (and he's very involved - it was just the difference between it being two of us to it being four of us and everything else that requires!) DH would spend the evening asleep on the sofa and then we'd go to bed and he'd make advances and I'd think "you've ignored me all evening and now you want me to give you attention? Fuck off!".

We started scheduling date evenings. So, not sex - as such (although there was also absolutely the intention it would end like that as we were doing it to get our sex life back on track). But evenings, where we actually looked at each other rather than our phones/the tv. We would BOTH scurry around to make the house presentable, or one would do it while the other did bedtime, get something to eat without our delightful children and then play a board game together or chat over a bottle of wine or whatever. It did feel quite forced to start with, as we'd got into the habit of living together but separately but it really helped.

He needs to engage with it though, it can't be all on you. It doesn't sound like you don't fancy him, it sounds like your libido has taken a nosedive because there is absolutely no room in your head to think about sex at the moment, and for most women getting in the mood is at least 50% in your own head.

Yeah, @FridayNightsAlright hates that.
She literally says it in her post.

I am in a similar situation op. No sex drive, two young children. I like to read so I started reading a few chapters of trashy sex novels when I felt like I might want to give it a go. If I felt inspired, well there you go. If not then I'm just reading a book and DH was none the wiser. It probably sounds silly but getting myself "pre-heated" before involving DH always helped

I do hate that women have to provide sex as a reward for housework, but I get where you are coming from

Sex isn't a reward for housework. Thr problem is many people use housework as an excuse not to have sex.

Fine but you can't expect a relationship to be a full and happy one if there isn't any intimacy. Look at all the threads on here from men and women stuck in a sexless relationship and before you know it they are finding it elsewhere, or people suddenly find flirty texts on their dp's phone and wonder how this could have happened despite not having had sex for 5yrs.

Op, imagine your dh having sex with another woman. If that doesn't bother you fine get organised for the inevitable split or turn a blind eye. If it does bother you then wake up, stop making excuses book a night away and reconnect physically. Whatever the time of the month it is.

Some things that worked for us:

• I had some therapy, alone. It was brilliant, really enjoyed it; it ironed out some problems for me and helped me understand him better
• Realising I did want to be married to him, to be in a special relationship, not just best mates (we could both survive financially very well on a practical level if we divorced and have no children together)
• HRT and testosterone. Doesn't do it for everyone but it did for me.
• Him understanding that if he steps back and doesn't take every kiss as an invitation for sex, and understands the mental space I need to enjoy sex, then it will happen.

Let's be honest, if he disappeared I'd drop the testosterone and retire to a nunnery quite happily. But I have actually ended up being the person with most appetite for sex in our marriage, and that's quite a turn up for the books.

Another book recommendation here. The great sex rescue (available on Amazon). Dh and I are reading this together at the moment and it is absolutely fantastic. The info in it is statistics based (the authors have surveyed thousands of women). Each chapter addresses a potential issue in your sex life and gives excersises to practise together and handy reframing tips.
The authors are Christian but the book itself is not overtly christian at all and is quite racy in parts. (Dh gets visibly excited everytime we read it) it has increased our intimacy and connection which in turn makes for a great sex life. I would definitely look it up. Its a real refreshing read.

I listened to a bit of the podcast linked earlier in this thread and it's really, really good. Looking forward to listening to the full episode then I'll send it to DH to listen to.