Desperately sad and no idea how to handle this

[howtofixthisnow]

My DH and I have been together 15 years married for 8 and have two very young children together.

He had a recent close family bereavement which has been awful. We had a baby 7 months ago too, so life has been stressful recently.

He's told me he wants marriage counselling because he isn't happy. We aren't being very nice to each other, he has a terrible temper, I am irritable as exhausted all the time, etc etc. currently sleeping in separate beds and no sex life as both too knackered and kids wake up all night. Very little childcare support so never get time together really. Still lots of love between us and we are both committed to things improving with some couples therapy.

I have realised that an ex of his recently followed him on social media, but what's worse is that he lied to me about it. He actually drew it to my attention. He was like 'oh, x has followed me!' While looking at his phone. I said 'x who?' As it is a common name. He then said oh you wouldn't know them just an old friend, some guy I used to go drinking with. He quickly brushed it off (it could be a male or female name).

I checked because I felt suspicious and there she was - his ex (who I know broke his heart) has recently followed him.

Why did he lie? He has never in 15 years given me reason to distrust or question him. This is really bad timing considering our current rocky patch. I need to ask him about it but wondering how to approach and if I just sound crazy! I don't actually care if his ex follows him, more that he lied.

I've laid awake all night worrying about this. I'm trying to hold our marriage together as it is and this is just making it worse.

I think I can understand his initial reaction in fibbing, given that things between you two aren't great already - men generally (in my experience) want to avoid any potential drama, not realising that actually if they were just honest, then it'd be fine!

I'd focus on the fact he's communicating with you and does want to try counselling to improve things - best of luck OP, things sound tough at the moment.

Thanks @KaftasCastle yes I agree. I don't actually feel angry, more just scared and sad. I think I'd like to bring it up with him but not sure how.

You don’t need to ask him about it. While I get where you’re coming from, it sounds like he lied to not upset you rather than to cover something up. Confronting him will just cause added tension.

I think we all get to this stage, so tired not talking, he’s irritable you’re irritable, life just going on, Id say yes you have to get talking or there’s only one way this will go. Don’t wonder how to bring it up, you’re together for a reason, you’ve gone through so much together, just sit down and talk. Best of luck op

I think you do the marriage counselling and explore it all there.

On mn, when the dh leaves or has an affair, everyone says he should have said something if he wasn't happy - well, your dh is doing that, and giving you both an opportunity to fix things (assuming you want to of course).

Don't get drawn into petty squabbles over an ex following him on sm. You'll accuse him of doing something wrong, he'll bring up something you did that hurt his feelings, and so it will spiral onwards. It sounds as if it's beyond that now. Discuss these things with a counsellor.

Hopefully, it'll be nothing more than the stress of a young family and you'll come out of it stronger.

And I don't think he was keeping the ex a secret because he literally told you as soon as he noticed. The follow-up lie was clearly to spare your feelings and stop an argument.

If it was my DH, we'd sit down together, cuppa in hand, and I'd explain that him fibbing about who followed him made me feel worried, as I want the relationship to work, and honesty is really important.

Hopefully he will be open and communicate, it could be a really good chance to have a chat and connect a little.

Easier said than done to find the time but it sounds like it'd be worth it, you deserve to say how it's made you feel, especially given how things are.

I hope he can see honesty would have been better but as I say I do sort of see why he wasn't honest, of course though it was still wrong to lie.

Thanks everyone you're putting it in perspective for me.

I'm now worried that they'll start chatting and I'm clearly making him unhappy, I feel so panicked that he might think the grass is greener (it probably is). She is single and has no kids.

I feel so out of my depth here.

You said he has a terrible temper.
How does that manifest?

@jeaux90 he loses patience quickly particularly since the loss of his close family member. Struggles to stay calm and think rationally and frequently storms off/away from situations that have stressed him out. He's working on this and I'm confident that it's mainly due to the loss and grief (the death was very traumatic). I am fully supporting him with this and am in no way perfect myself.

Can he decline the follow? I’m not saying he’s up to anything but, in my opinion, if your marriage is at the point of counselling then engaging with an ex (especially one who has newly emerged) is wholly inappropriate. It just shows basic respect for your marriage.

I’m not excusing the short temper but could it be in part due to anxiety, stress and depression? That’s one of my go tos if I am anxious, I get very cross easily as things get on top of me quickly and have worked hard to manage it. Some grief counselling might help?

I'd ask my husband to decline the follow - agree that it isn't helpful given how things are between you right now.
I think counselling would be good, not only for your relationship but for his grief - it's not on that he is bad tempered with you. It's not your fault and he needs to find a way to stop behaving badly towards you.

Re the grass being greener - don't under value yourself. He is as lucky to have you as you are to have him!

edited for typo

Just out of interest - how have you worked on this? I have a temper too so would like to work on it...

I'd suggest he gets some bereavement counselling separate to the marriage counselling, it sounds like the traumatic bereavement is causing some of the bigger issues, quite understandably.

Are you in the process of having couples therapy? I'd recommend it strongly if you're both open to it, the key thing you'll learn is how to communicate properly (for example, telling him how you feel about the ex on SM in a constructive manner rather than flying off the handle) and how to listen to each other.

Is there any chance someone else could look after the children for a weekend so you can both have some time together? Your relationship is just as important as your children and you need to make sure you're devoting time to each other as well as the kids.

How do you know she recently followed him? It doesn't say when a follower came on board does it?

How do you know she's his ex? When he said the name you didn't know who it was, so how do you now remember it's his ex?

Is there any guys on his followers with a similar/same name?

Just pointing out that he might not actually be lying, you might have jumped to conclusions. I follow an ex and he follows me, we actually communicate sometimes due to things that I sell in my business and he sometimes buys some of them for his wife. Absolutely nothing in it at all.

When you say "he has a terrible temper" what do you mean?

OP already answered that above.

I think it's too much of a coincidence that she has popped up following him on SM at the point where your marriage is going through difficulties. I suspect that they have been in touch and it's possible he's teetering on the edge of cheating 😔 I'm sorry OP. I would have to confront this with him and tell him you need him to be completely honest.

You could say “I know there is probably nothing to worry about but being friends with “x” is making me feel a bit insecure (giving that we’re having a rough patch) Would you mind deleting her?”

And if he says no I will not delete her you know where his priorities are.

She is an ex who broke his heart not just a random friend. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request.

You definitely need to talk. I know you said no childcare but I’d definitely look at getting something in place so you have set time as a couple. I know it’s money but a teen babysitter is a lot less expensive than a divorce.
If there’s a chance of talking and working things out I’d try and throw everything you can at it.
Sleepwise again can you look at that. Everyone baby included will be happier with more sleep. There’s lots of gentle methods I’m not talking about leaving baby to cry for hours.
Children in bed asleep by 7.30 would give you chance as a couple in evenings to spend time together.

Ime lack of sleep is destructive.. Very.. Concentrate for 2 weeks on getting your dc to bed, asleep and staying asleep. Then you will have more time and headspace to talk properly.. Very young dc can ime be sleeping all night with some effort.. It isn't something to just accept.. Up until recently lack of sleep nearly had my dh either out the door or under a patio.. I kid not. Well maybe patio was extreme but splitting up wasn't. Sleeping through doesn't mean crying and neglected either..

Please don't let this get blown out of proportion. You are in such a difficult exhausting stage of your lives and he has had a bereavement (which tends make people reflect on their life in a negative way). It is not surprising that he is feeling sad and at least he has recognised it and is willing to seek help rather than just distracting himself with anything that will boost his ego and looks like fun.

I would encourage the counselling - with any luck they will help put things in perspective and help him see this is just a low phase. Also definitely don't have another baby - that would make things worse.

Are you 100% sure it's his x that's turned up? And that he def is lying?

Look - you've decided to do some couples therapy to try to get this back on track and that's really positive. I agree that her turning up (if it is her) is at best am awful bit of timing given what's going on, or at worst - she's been hovering around a while.

If this was me and DH i'd bring it up calmly and say i love him, and it's a worry for me. My DH would be the same with me. We don't tollerate dabbling with x's on social media full stop.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I did ask him about it. He was so lovely. There was actually a perfectly reasonable explanation, which I won't detail, but he didn't lie to me, and I absolutely 100% put two and two together and got five.

His ex did follow him recently but he said he hadn't actually noticed, because his profile is public, so he doesn't have to respond to requests. I do believe him.

We are booked in for marriage counselling next week. I'm terrified to be honest but also hopeful.