Overbearing friend - how would you politely say back off

[changingchaali]

I've known her for about 2 years now but it's only been the last week where she has become really overbearing with her communication.
She is younger than me. We met at mother and baby group. She's late 20s I'm early 40s. She's a single parent like me so she seems to look up to me (why my life is not fantastic at all lol)

Anywho I've been sick this past week. Was supposed to go with the kids to her house for food but I couldnt make it as I am unwell.
I messaged to say I'm sorry and I couldn't go.
She came back with a guilt trip "really looking forward to it, I'm really sad you aren't coming etc"
Since Friday she has called and text me about 13 times to ask how I am. 4 times today she's asked how I'm feeling.
I just reply "same hun. I'm just resting"
And since 7 she has called 3 more times.
I've been sorting kids, making dinner, homework so haven't answered. Now a message, "Have I done something?!"
I'm thinking wtf back off will you.
I feel reluctant to say this because she already has fallen out with her sister. And she says other friends blocking her and she doesn't know why.
She's a lovely girl but this past weekend I'm feeling stalked lol.
Help!

Have similar issue so just watching..

I'd buy myself some time by saying "no you haven't done anything, I'm just not well. I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better." Then you can legitimately not reply for a little while. I'm crap at confrontation so I'd probably do a slow fade if I'm honest but the grown up thing to do would be to say "this is a little too intense for me. I'm taking some space." 😬

Ugh this would really annoy me. She has insecurities over friendships. I’d message something along the lines of ‘sorry I’m still not 100% so not been on my phone much and busy with the children. Hope you’re well, speak soon.’

hopefully she’ll get the message and back off. If she doesn’t you’ll have to go in and tell her. ‘Sorry, it is too overwhelming for me, I like to keep friendships casual with no pressure. It’s been good to get to know you, take care.’ Or something like that, maybe someone a bit better with words can help 😆

You need to ignore all messages until you feel up to answering. Personally, having told her I was ill I'd have ignored all calls/texts until Monday.

I think a text now to say, 'Look - I'm really not well. I'll talk to you in a few days or so, but I've been ill and I've a lot to catch up on when I finally feel up to it.'

And then do it. Don't speak again until at least Friday. If you want to remain friends with her you'll need to make it clear that you aren't going to be texting multiple times every hour of every day.

I love those. Thanks. They don't seem too harsh

“I so appreciate your concern but I’m taking some time to myself to get better and will be in touch when I’m up and about again”

or

”appreciate you thinking of me! I’m trying to reduce the amount of time I spend on WhatsApp so don’t be offended if I don’t respond quickly”.

or

“having such a busy time, barely have time for messages. It’s lovely your thinking of me but I don’t have much time to respond at the momme.

So you're unwell and yet she's acting the victim because you're not in constant contact?
I'd say you still feel tired and unwell and need to rest. You appreciate her concern but are finding the barrage of calls and messages too much.
Be honest because it sounds like she's latched onto you and needs to realise she's not the centre of your world.

I appreciate you are not well and maybe feeling a little sensitive but you have known her two years and this problem has only surfaces in the last week or so. Cut her some slack. Today she has been asking how you were, is that really so bad? The above poster makes three excellent suggestions - no need to jump to the dump.

I think that you should honest with her.

@Justmuddlingalong yep it seems so.
She has told me about other friends and them not replying after a few days and she contacts them asking what she's done. I've told her once or twice is fine but if they don't respond then leave it.

Now the tables have turned on me

You're too nice. She doesn't sound like a lovely girl at all. She sounds like fucking hard work. Don't sacrifice your peace for what you think other people need. They won't die if you don't bend Fuck em.

This would drive me nuts and give me the major friend ick. If someone can't recognise a boundary, I'm not sure they ever will....

I think you're finding out why she has trouble maintaining relationships with family and friends

Hi @Kitkatcatflap so someone asking you how you are 4 times in 6 hours wouldn't annoy you if you are sick and just wanting some peace?

You'll need to tell her it's too much contact.
Whether she takes the hint is another thing, but you really need to slowly back off or it'll come to a head resulting in you erupting at her and cutting contact completely.
This could be what has happened to her friendships and relationships before.

I would politely say

"everything is fine, but this cold has completely wiped me out and I feel exhausted. I am sleeping whenever I can, especially once the kids are in bed. I think I am going to get a few early nights this week and try to shake it off. I will catch up with you in a couple of days when I am feeling better,"

@nc42day I'm totally seeing a pattern now.

It only clicked when I saw her text asking what she'd done and I'm thinking "errrm I'm sick. Why would you think you've done anything?! I'm not stuck to my phone all day?"

Just reply and say "sorry I've not been in touch I'm just struggling with the amount of messages people are sending me, I'm not really a bit texter so I can't keep up 😀"

I’d go for something including “I will let you know when I’m feeling better so we can rearrange” and hope she gets the don’t contact me until I text you first aspect of it 😅

I've sent her one of the replies I've seen here and she has replied ahead of time babe hope you feel better. But I really think she will call or message tomorrow. Her sister asked for space and she didn't give her much by what she said to me.
So if she does I will take the other advice and be honest about it being overwhelming.

Try and relax now and deal with whatever happens tomorrow. Hopefully she's got the hint.

Sorry that was supposed to say "ah I'm sorry babe. Hope you feel better"

Thanks @Justmuddlingalong I will.
Going to get some painkillers and call it a night.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions

'Since Friday she has called and text me about 13 times to ask how I am. 4 times today she's asked how I'm feeling.'

That's harassment and obsessive.

I would tell her straight.

You are constantly badgering and pestering me. You need to stop texting me so often as it's unwanted and completely unnecessary and doesn't appear to come from a place of concern but is because you don't have anything else to do and are obsessed with me.

I like you as a friend, but you are pushing me away with this constant need for attention.

Yes. This. Say this.