Overbearing friend - how would you politely say back off

[changingchaali]

I've known her for about 2 years now but it's only been the last week where she has become really overbearing with her communication.
She is younger than me. We met at mother and baby group. She's late 20s I'm early 40s. She's a single parent like me so she seems to look up to me (why my life is not fantastic at all lol)

Anywho I've been sick this past week. Was supposed to go with the kids to her house for food but I couldnt make it as I am unwell.
I messaged to say I'm sorry and I couldn't go.
She came back with a guilt trip "really looking forward to it, I'm really sad you aren't coming etc"
Since Friday she has called and text me about 13 times to ask how I am. 4 times today she's asked how I'm feeling.
I just reply "same hun. I'm just resting"
And since 7 she has called 3 more times.
I've been sorting kids, making dinner, homework so haven't answered. Now a message, "Have I done something?!"
I'm thinking wtf back off will you.
I feel reluctant to say this because she already has fallen out with her sister. And she says other friends blocking her and she doesn't know why.
She's a lovely girl but this past weekend I'm feeling stalked lol.
Help!

Does her name start with P?

I have a friend like this, it stems from her own anxiety and makes her really high maintainance as a friend. She was getting very clingy and stressing herself out if I didn't reply/wasn't free for a phonecall. I had to distance myself from her a bit, but started with setting some expectations "sorry trying to cut down on screen time when I'm with family, so can't reply as quickly as you do", "I'm so busy at the moment, hardly had time to catch up on messages" etc.
It's a shame as we get on amazingly well in person but she makes me feel harassed on messages.

I've had to cut a friend like this off. It's like she needed me to be a main character in her life and I really just wanted to be a casual friend. Honestly I think you're going to have to be a bit mean so she gets the message and looks for her attention supply elsewhere. People like this you give an inch and they take a mile.

@CucumberBagel no but it's close lol

Good luck OP! I’m watching with interest, as one of my friends can be a bit like this. She’s lovely, but starts panicking that she’s boring or annoying you if you don’t reply straight away (which is actually way more annoying than the number of messages). She’s got upset more than once about how she drives people away, but never seems to see the correlation.

@CherryShirt wow. It really makes me wonder how people get that way.
And the thing is she is really lovely. A strong young single mum but I'm understanding why so many of her other friends have ghosted her.

How do you tell someone they are overbearing without crushing their spirit or making them even more insecure?!

How about "Mate, I love you but sending me X many messages every day is doing my head in. Please scale it back! I'm ill and just need to sit quietly and not talk to anyone, so I'd be very grateful to have fewer messages please. Please don't get upset, this is what I need right now. Thanks and speak soon (ie not before Friday) xxx"

If you get desperate, explain that this is why people tend to go quiet after a while - messaging this often is too much for the majority, so she needs to learn to rein it in. It will upset her but sounds like a lesson is needed for her own good

I'd message and say "I love you dearly but I can't handle so many messages, I'm generally a 1 message a week kind of person so I'm finding it too much, please don't be offended I just can't keep up with it all"

Hmmmm I actually think if you’re having to point out she’s being intense and putting the pressure on then it’s almost too late. She’s an adult and really you shouldn’t have to be forced to tell her to back off. You’re seeing her for what she is and understandably it’s making you uncomfortable.

if it were me I would just reply briefing and leave it and not actually say anything (but that’s me!).
I would then back away from the friendship as you don’t need this level of stress.

friends should be there to lift you up and be supportive and hqve mutual respect.

I don’t think explaining why her behaviour is crap will change her or mean an equal friendship will come of this x

This. Ive said to someone before I'm finding it too much and ended a friendship. I don't miss her and only feel relief. The heavy long messages asking if she'd done something were too much. She also had form for messing up previous friendships but refused to look and see she might be the problem.

I would say that what you have written here would be the perfect response to her. Send that.

I think we now know why so many of her other friends have backed off.

I've got a mum friend like this. My kid doesn't even like her kid ! Honestly I just started ignoring the texts and being polite when I see her. Life is too short.

You've known her for two years and she's only been acting like this for a week. id be concerned if she is ok- maybe she is struggling with anxiety. I wouldn't hold it against the whole friendship because of her behaviour based off a week. When you're feeling better, I would have a chat with her and see if there's a reason behind why she got intense and if she's ok.

Do her a favour and say "I'm just busy here and you are calling and texting constantly! Ease off and I will call you when I'm free". She will alienate all her friends if she doesn't stop it.

Really? I would definitely NOT say what you have suggested.

Brilliant way of putting it! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

"Marjorie, I feel like death warmed up. Will be staying off the wires until I'm better."

I would get pissed off if a good friend of 20+ years texted me constantly when I’ll esp if I’d said ‘I’m ok thanks’. if it’s a new friend it’d annoy me even more 😆
In fact a friend recently had to tell us on a group chat not to ask how she was constantly while going through a family issue. Fair enough. We are all v good, old friends so we will let her lead.
You need to be assertive.

Dealing with the same issue! This friend of mine expects me to "pop over" to hers every week and if I don't then it's like "how comes you didn't bother to come over or even text?" It's so draining.

She’s clearly just very anxious and triggered by things from her past.

If you’ve had a good friendship up to now I think you need to be a bit kinder and recognise that.

Just said a reassuring text, the pp’s suggestions were fine.
’Please don’t worry you’ve done something - I’m literally just not on my phone as not feeling well. I’ll be back to myself soon! How was your day?’

Once she knows not to worry she will calm.

Once you've asked her nicely to ease off, You can mute her on WhatsApp under settings Privacy until you are ready to start up again. Google how to... 🌹

@SlashBeef response is fab. Not personal. Relieves her. Sets boundaries/expectations.

I always remember about people like this, there's often a reason they are this way. Previous rejection, trauma, abuse, anxiety, lack of boundaries in family. I'd have empathy and have boundaries.

Feel better soon

Can I just ask people please not to judge this woman for possibly having insecurities about friendships? I have ASD (Asperger's, as it used to be known) and didn't really have many friends when I was younger because I didn't have the required social skills. I do have friends now I'm older, but sometimes I have insecurities about how much they really like me, whether they find me interesting, fun etc. I don't message people to the degree the OP describes, but if messages I send are left unread or not replied to, my brain does tend to start overthinking and worrying about why.

Of course I don't know if this woman has ASD, but whether she does or not, it won't help her insecurities to cut her off, slow fade etc. For now a message just letting her know you'll be in touch when you feel better would be good, and then later a kind conversation about the amount of messages she sent could help her to learn what's appropriate. Being firm/harsh will only make any insecurities worse.

It might be that she has trauma in her past that's making her behave like this. If she experienced abandonment when young, perceived rejection might panic her. Nonetheless her behaviour is not okay, as its impacting you.

If you'd like to continue the friendship, I would try reassuring her but then setting really clear boundaries of how often she can text you. And if you're close enough to her, maybe suggest that she talks to a therapist about how she feels in these situations.