How do you react when you see/hear nasty things said about you that you weren’t meant to hear?

[StuckInARut40]

Something popped up on my Facebook feed that was basically someone who I thought was a good friend bitching about me. It was on a group that I’m not a member of, and randomly popped up in my feed, and it was blatantly about me. I’m so hurt as I thought they were a friend, but am not sure what to do about it.

YABU- just let it go, it wasn’t meant for you to see
YANBU- say something to the person as you won’t be able to forget what they’ve said

@StuckInARut40 you should be able to react to her comment, even if not in the group as it must be a 'public' group.

How to react? Hold your head high and move on. Her issue, not yours. Let her do the fast peddling. If she wants to save the friendship she will try. If she doesn't, then it really doesn't sound like a great loss.

I can never understand why the tidiness/cleanliness of other peoples houses is of such great interest to certain women.
The only thing I can think of is that they are themselves subconsciously worried about being judged about their own homes?!

To be fair, I’m not particularly immaculate, but did once go to a male friend’s house and was genuinely disgusted by the state of things. Stairs covered in a layer of dog hairs (covered), a week’s worth of washing up spreading put over the kitchen, just general filth and squalor. I did definitely judge! Because it was gross 🤢

Although I’m sure that’s nothing like the OP!!!!!

Oh our house definitely isn’t in a state of filth or squalor! We do have kids, dogs, and we don’t keep it at show-home standards because that’s not how we want to live! We have busy lives and not everything is tidied away 100% of the time, but it’s not the kind of state where I’d be embarrassed if my (very tidy) MIL popped round without notice. The comments were definitely about me. I messaged her and said do you realise that other people can see what you post, and she’s now deleted it. She said ‘I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have posted if I’d realised you could see’ 😕

That's nasty. And the apology was a non apology.

At least you know not to waste energy on this friendship any more.

Well, now she knows you know. I wouldn’t bother saying anything else about it.

Yes this is true, at least I know now. I’m so hurt though and am questioning how good I am at judging character. I really thought she was a good friend (although interestingly my DH has never been keen on her, and he rarely takes against anyone). Feel so hurt and ashamed though- what if she’s been saying stuff to our mutual friends?

Sounds like any standard home!

At least she had the good grace to feel embarrassed and apologise. I suppose she thought it was anonymous and would never be seen by you or anyone who knows you.

I think facebook and instagram can actually be nightmares for randomly changing settings and who can see what. I’ve definitely inadvertently upset someone before when I hadn’t replied to a message but liked some random stuff on facebook – which then showed up on the feed as me being active on fb. (I was prob a bit depressed during lockdown and using SM to switch off – but not intentionally ignoring anyone!).

How do you feel about things?! I think it’s good you brought it up with her or else she’d always have wondered why the friendship cooled. Do you think it’s something you can get past or make light of?

Who cares? If they are friends they will take no notice. If they are also bitches find new friends

Any decent friends will judge her for being such a bitch. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

NC with her now. What a deranged weirdo - to pointlessly bitch about someone else’s home?! Someone who’s supposed to be a friend? Wow. She must have an issue with you/envy for some reason.

Our children are good friends which adds to the issue. I’d hate that to affect them, so I’ll just have to take the high road and be civil for their sakes, but I don’t think the friendship itself can be recovered. I’d always be wondering if she was judging me 😕

So she isn't sorry that she was bitching about you, just sorry that you heard? Lovely!

If most people genuinely thought that their friends house was horribly messy, they would be worried about their friend, not slagging them off on social media

100% this. Don't feel ashamed @StuckInARut40 rise above it.

Thank you, your messages are really helping. I will rise above it. Trying to remember that those who mind, don’t matter, and those who matter, don’t mind. Will pay more attention to my husband’s judgment in future though, he obviously picked up on something that I didn’t!

I react by still occasionally thinking about it decades later - usually in the early hours when I'm unable to sleep.

I’d be hurt and embarrassed too. It’s a shitty thing to read. If she has made comments about it to your mutual friends then those who’ve seen your home will know she’s talking rubbish and those with any sense will wonder what she’s saying to other people about them.

I'd be done with her.

You'll never be able to look at her without wondering what she's said about you over the years that you never found out about.

How old are the kids @StuckInARut40 ? Soon enough they can manage their own friendships.

Support them seeing each other but don’t put yourself through cosy family get togethers. Her kids can visit yours, and vice versa, but don’t feel pressurised into getting the families together. That is over.

The kids are getting to the age where they can arrange their own friendships so that will help. Will still need to give lifts etc because of where we live, but no need to do the whole ‘stop for coffee and a chat’ at pickup anymore. I am now questioning what she’s been saying/thinking about me over the years - obviously she’s never been a true friend. It really hurts though as I thought she was.

Unless this a recurring theme in your friendships I wouldn’t spend too long worrying about being a bad judge of character. If you let people into your life, however good a judge of character you are, you’re going to be stung by someone at some point. The only way to completely avoid the risk is to keep everyone at arm’s length and miss out on all the good stuff that comes from building relationships and having friends.

That’s me.

Saying that, I’d just ignore them afterwards and be polite when necessary. If you already think poorly of me, no need to make an effort then. They get to keep their opinion, and I get to be away from a person like them.

I would rationalise this in my head. She has been bitchy about you to others, so she's shown herself up there. Other people are going to wonder what she says about them behind their backs. Not a good look. She's lost you as a good friend, her loss. It's disappointing for you, but that's all you should feel about this. Let it go, try not to let it bother you too much. You sound like a nice person.

Her posting that awful bitchy stuff about you says everything about her and nothing about you.

you’ve let her know you are aware of it which is good but for your own inner peace I would leave it now. You don’t have to continue a friendship with her but that doesn’t mean you have to cut her out etc. be polite, do the bare minimum for your child’s sake. She has shown you who she is so accept it and concentrate on your own happiness and life.

I'd say someone in the group warned me you aren't very nice and showed me this...

It's really difficult to know what to do. I'm currently debating my response to discovering that a close friend has been bitching about me to others behind my back. I'm torn between just cutting her out of my life and telling her to grown up. Its difficult not to be upset though