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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a stranger offering sweets is a bit worrying......

57 replies

michie40 · 26/03/2008 15:45

On the metro on the way home today with dd1 (3) and dd2 (13months). We are standing in the bycycle section waiting the train to start as we are the end of the line.

This lady (40ish) gets on and stands next to us. I thought that it was a bit wierd as the rest of the carriage was virtually empty with plenty of seats.

She starts eating a packet of sweets - so dd1 is looking at her with those big hungry eyes. She then offers dd1 one of her sweets. DD1 goes to take one but I said no (in a rather panicky voice) - explaining that she had had rather a lot of sweets today.

This didnt go down to well as i live brussels and dont speak the language so i am not sure she understood and she moved away. DD1 promptly burst into tears and sulked the rest of the way home.

Now i am not sure if IABU as visions of poisoned sweets and kidnap were going through my head. However the belgiums are very friendly and hands on with kids and she may just have been friendly.

What do the wise ones on mumsnet think?

OP posts:

PatsyCline · 26/03/2008 16:01

I think she was trying to be kind. We went to Tunisia and we had a train full of people offering biscuits etc to our DD1. I thought it was really lovely. Mind you, DD2 has loads of allergies, so I might be a bit freaked in the same circumstances with her!

BTW, did you live in London before Brussels? I only ask because I lived there for years and my DH talked recently about the fact that, despite moving out of the city, we still get slightly freaked by people sitting near us or speaking to us on (close to empty) public transport . In London, we both found that either of those things could be a sign that we were about to become involved in a major drama.

Patsy

Brangelina · 26/03/2008 16:02

Brilliant! Sorry if I was coming accross as a bit judgy

Brangelina · 26/03/2008 16:03

Aargh! across Crap typing today

PotPourri · 26/03/2008 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WiiMii · 26/03/2008 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hecate · 26/03/2008 16:05

A bit OTT I think.

TBH, if I had sweets and a child was giving me puppy dog eyes, I'd feel guilty enough to offer them one as well. She probably should have asked you if your child could have one (in case of allergies), but I seriously doubt they were poisoned!!! Anyway - if someone was intending to snatch a child from under a parent's nose in a public place - wouldn't it be the parent not the child they'd have to incapacitate? Knocking your child out with a valium bonbon isn't going to be much use when you're standing right there!

belgo · 26/03/2008 16:05

michie - that's happened to me several times in Belgium as well. I think Belgium missed the 'Don't take sweets from strangers' compaign.

Original poster

michie40 · 26/03/2008 16:06

Patsy - i think you are probably right - people over here are just much more friendly.
And yes we have lived near london.

OP posts:

belgo · 26/03/2008 16:09

oh yes take french clesses. Belgian scertainly appreciate it a lot more if you learn the language. And you are less likely to be ripped off in shops if you can speak french/flemish.

Mungarra · 26/03/2008 16:39

It was unlikely to be a kidnapping attempt, but I don't think people should offer sweets or any food really to children they don't know. They don't know if the child has any allergies or if the parents just don't want them to eat junky sweets. I've also had people offer chocolate to my tantrumming toddler on trains - 'oh yes, let's reward the tantrum with chocolate, thanks very much'.

I usually just so 'no thanks' if someone offers my child sweets. In places like Spain, they try to give 6 month olds lollipops.

scaryteacher · 26/03/2008 16:40

Brangelina, I'm sure that Michie didn't know what language the lady spoke. Here in Belgium there are 3 official languages, Flemish, French and German; and the lady could have been from one of the other nations that live here because of the EU or NATO (at least 26 at the last count).

YANBU about the sweets Michie, but the lady could have been standing by you as she only had to go one stop and couldn't be bothered to sit down, I do that on the metro sometimes, and the 44 tram as well if I don't have too far to go.

Brangelina · 26/03/2008 17:34

That may be so Scaryteacher, but it is nonetheless good manners to attempt to address people in at least one of the official languages of the country. English isn't one of the offical languages of the country. It is one of the offical languages of the EU but the OP mentioned a humble tube train and not EU headquarters, ergo no reason for the sweet offering person to be obliged to converse in English.

JammyQueenOfTheSewers · 26/03/2008 17:53

I think she was probably being friendly, but I'm not surprised by someone being automatically suspicious, sort of thing I have done before now.

As a related aside, this reminds me of being an adult offered sweets by an unknown child one day. She was sitting with her parents on the bench next to me and came over and held out her hand to give me a very sticky and disgusting looking sweet. Not wanting to eat it, but also not wanting to hurt her feelings I said "Thank you very much, but my Mummy has told me not to take sweets from strangers, so I'd better not."

belgo · 26/03/2008 17:56

In cafés, my children are often given the square chocolates that you get with your coffee and hot chocolate, from strangers.

It doesn't bother me, but I don't think they should do it because of the possibility that some children are diabetic.

wannaBe · 26/03/2008 18:02

poisoned sweets and kidnapping? wtf? Just how many stories have there been in the news over.... oh... the past 20 years, that involved poisoned sweets?

magicfarawaytree · 26/03/2008 18:18

have just skimmed the thread but yanbu. poison and kidnap aside. If you are to teach your child about basic safety then not accepting sweets from strangers has to be a consistent message. with anything you do with children consistentcy is always touted as being paramount. I would always ask a parent first if there was something that I wanted to offer to their child.

Original poster

michie40 · 26/03/2008 18:20

wannaBe - I realise now in the cold light of day that I overeacted - but how many people can say that thay always act rationally and logically when it comes to their kids and their safety?
And the examples I gave are extreme but silly things flash through your mind sometimes.

OP posts:

muggglewump · 26/03/2008 18:26

Gosh, I'm probably a terrible Mum but I'd have let DD take one and thanked the woman (and then been pissed off at DD's sticky face!)
It just doesn't cross my mind that people would do that but I live in a small town.
I've let people give DD money, 50p for sweets or whatever after they've been fussing over her.
Hmmm, I don't know whether to revise what I think or to be glad I don't suspect everyone of wanting to cause harm to DD

bubblagirl · 26/03/2008 18:37

i think now days its ok to e cautious because we have to be but its horribloe to think we cannot trust anyone anymore

ive never heard of suicide by sweets on a train so can only imagine she saw them big eyes and thought id offer a sweet as only fair

i do accept sweets if offered to my ds and we say thank you very much it brightens some peoples day in the right way

if someone makes me feel uncomfortable id spout a tooth problem no sweets im afraid thanks anyway

its a shame that due to some idiots in this world we will always be suspicious of others and some good deeds will be looked apon as some terrible plot

but its ok if your not comfortable with it as you cant ever be too careful i guess

WiiMii · 26/03/2008 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Umlellala · 26/03/2008 18:44

I'm with you mugglewump and WiiMii, am v trusting and chat to strangers with dd all the time and accept lollipops for her etc etc (while obv not being stupidly reckless with dd). So would have let her have sweet too.

Maybe I am naive but I think generally people are nice especially when given the opportunity to be (and no, I don't live in a 'safe' retreat either).

lucyellensmum · 26/03/2008 19:15

YABU and i am the epitome of paranoid motherhood, i would have been a little irritated that she didn't check with me it was ok, but i would have allowed her to take the sweet. The butcher always offers DD a lolly ( i let her take it and promptly throw it away the minute she gets bored, take her home and clean her teeth ).

I do understand though, especially as you are in a strange country. I mean, lets face it girls, us brits are a tad strange at times Hope you are being made welcome and enjoying our lovely weather .

lucyellensmum · 26/03/2008 19:18

michie, you are right, scary horrible things do flash through your mind at times, but they shouldnt take over and impact on your life. Are you feeling a little overwhelmed with being in a strange country with your little ones? Not knowing anyone etc?? Are you overly anxious about other things? I suffer from anxiety disorder and can blow things totally out of proportion - might be worth having a talk to someone if it really has a serious impact on your life. If it was just a case of not sure if this sort of thing is acceptable, then yes, pretty much - some of us are even quite nice

LaComtesse · 26/03/2008 19:22

My bf was given a sweet by a lady in Malta when he couldn't stop coughing on a bus once (I think being bounced over the potholes in a bus with little supension probably didn't help) . He had to take it or offend her but he didn't eat it.

I'm sure in this instance the lady was only being friendly. Not sure what I'd have done in the circs - probably let dd take it but have a little chat with her afterwards.

FourPlusOne · 26/03/2008 19:29

This has reminded me of an incident on a train when I was in my early 20s, pre-children and on a long train journey. I bought a coffee on the train and the guy selling it gave me some of the cake that they sell (all wrapped in cellophane so hygenically untouched!). Didn't want cake so offered it to the little girl sitting with her mum opposite me. I did say to the mum 'would your little girl like this' - I didn't just give it to her. The mother looked at me as if I was mad and just mumbled something. She did take it but not sure if the child ate it. I only offered because the girl was being very good and well behaved, but the mother looked at me as if I were some kind of madwoman!

Am sure that you didn't react this way, but I'm sure the woman was just being kind and thought your DD was sweet.

Though now I am a mum I would probably not be too pleased if someone gave my child a big slab of cake to eat!! Maybe she was a fussy eater or something and I ruined her dinner! .

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