Am I going mad? Me or parents?

[Jellybeansandflyingsaucers]

Long story short I’ve never got along with my father, growing up he was very strict, spanking, name calling (he called me by a ‘funny’ nickname my whole childhood) never interested in me or my sister and most of the time I felt like a nuisance to him.
for info he has fallen out over the years with no contact with his mum and dad, his brother and wife, my mums sisters x2 my mums dad and various family friends along the way.
he has been incredibly rude to me in recent years- calling me a f-ing nuisance when I dropped my kids to my mum as she looked after them once a week for me is just one example. - after that I decided to not have a lot more to do with him, although I still visited my mum at the house. we ignored each other best we could- which is awkward and crazy in itself really.
recently he started calling my kids ‘funny’ nicknames and not tolerating them for the hour after school they were round. So I decided that the children wouldn’t go round after school anymore- they didn’t want to anyway.
from January after a decline in my mental health due to being ignored and made to feel unwelcome at my parents house over Xmas by him (my husband ignored and not acknowledged either) and anxiety from having to drop the children off in the awkward situ- they are becoming more aware- I have said to my mum that if she wants to see the children she is very welcome but we won’t be visiting their house anymore.

my mum has now said that she won’t be visiting the children at our house (a mile away) and ‘thanks for nothing, you know what your father is like’ and taken to trolling me with memes on fb about ‘family and other peoples bullshit’ etc…
she’s not brought round my dd’s (10) birthday card and she’s refusing to come round…

aibu? Or am I going mad? Or does she need to respect the boundaries I’ve (finally) put in place to protect my mental health and my kids from his rubbish?
oh to have a normal family!

YANBU, you need to put your kids first.

Block her on facebook.

What are 'funny' nicknames.

Regardless your mother is being controlled. Meet her somewhere neutral for her to see the kids. She probably isn't a great place living with that.

‘thanks for nothing, you know what your father is like’

yes mum, I do. That's why I've said please come to mine to see the kids.

That’s so sad that she won’t come to you. Is it because your father would kick off if she said she was visiting?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable in protecting yourself and your children. Quite the opposite, in fact. I applaud you for having the strength to put boundaries in place. Don't doubt yourself, OP. As others have said, arrange to meet your mum in a neutral place.

you know what your father is like

And so does she yet she has spent your whole life enabling his behaviour, and she's happy to let him start on her grandchildren.

She might not be the obvious problem here, but she's absolutely as much of an issue because she's supporting him to continue his abusive behaviour and hasn't learned a damned thing while watching him do it to you for years.

This is what no contact is for. Keep your children away from both of them, unless she can accept there is an issue here. Block her on the channels she's sending you snide memes or whatever, turn away from them both and keep going unless you can get some acknowledgement from her, and agreement to work with you to make things right in future.

You couldn't protect yourself from him when you were a child, but you absolutely can protect your own children now. Good on you.

Well done for setting up boundaries and protecting your children.

Your mother has chosen to support your father rather than stand up to him. That's up to her. However you don't have to agree with her choice.

@idontlikealdi things about appearance or being a ‘boffin’ or generally names which aren’t funny really.

I wonder if you have to be a certain type of person to live with someone like that for so long and perhaps sadly they are two peas in a pod. It’s since I’ve had my own family that I know I need to protect them from this crap lol.

Your father is toxic and your mother clearly took his side. You don’t need disrespectful and abusive people around your kids.
Both of your parents made their choices, you made yours and this is to protect your kids.

”You know what he’s like”
”He didn’t mean it”
”You’re overreacting/too sensitive”
”It’s only joke/banter”
”He’s your father,you only have one father”

These⬆️ are all crap excuses to put up and shut up the abused person. You don’t have to facilitate the contact. Nobody who loves their family speak to their relatives like that.

Awful people are awful people, whether they are related to you or not. I’m not sure I’d miss a parent who let my children be treated badly, whatever the circumstances.

Your dad is a toxic asshole and your mum is a victim really.

you are not in the wrong and it is unhealthy for you to be putting your child in the weird environment of their house. Children aren’t stupid and they will see the dynamics and it will effect them.

let you mum know that the door is always open for HER and that you love her but you are protecting yourself and your children by not being around your dad.

Thank you for your support. It’s nice to have outside confirmation that I’m not the problem- last time I stood up to him when he was rude to me (I got cross, I admit) my mum message my husband and said perhaps I need to see a doctor as I’d overreacted! Couldn’t make it up really!

Both your parents sound appalling, to be honest.

@KreedKafer
im certainly starting to see a different side to my mum recently too! She’s changed a lot

Your Mum will need you before you need her. Leave her with making that choice. I'd go completely NC until she can show she gives a shit.

just do what ever it takes to protect your children from the trauma your parents ((and yes both of them ,your mum by default but both of them)) subjected you to.You sound a great mum OP

I think you're mother is upset with you because you've shown how a mother is supposed to behave.
You've stood up for your children, and are taking the consequences of that, whereas she let you down and never stood up for you.
So she's lashing out and blaming you rather than admit she should have done better.

I think you've done the right thing. I'd have compassion for my mom in my heart but that doesn't mean having to drop your boundaries. She's in a bad situation whereby his behaviour has driven people out of her life. But the person who can change that is her, not you.

Well done for standing your ground, OP. They both sound toxic, you can create a whole new healthy family vibe for your family.

You're not going mad. Just walk away and move on with the people who actually care about you.

Stay strong op. You absolutely need to keep your kids away from the whole situation. Regardless of whether your mum thinks these things herself, or has become so used to it over the years, what’s happening here and now is the priority. Anyone calling my kids unpleasant names or criticising me is gone from my life. It’s very sad but if she wants to cut off her nose to spite her face, that is her business. Block her and move on if she’s posting crap online. It won’t be easy but it will absolutely be the right thing for your kids, you know that.

Gosh I have a spookily similar family dynamic. I've done similar in not going there, not seeking contact between my df and DC, my DM is a victim but have tried so many times to help her out of it. I've set out to my df in writing why I am staying away, that way there is no scope for him rewriting history about it. I've had enough and not sure what else to do! It's so tough op I feel for you

she chose to stay with an asshole and now she gets to reap the rewards of that. You have done nothing wrong putting in boundaries, if she is willing to accept being controlled by him to not see you anymore and is willing to enable his behaviour then that is on her.

Agree with others - you're doing what's right for you and your family. I would go NC, but let her know you're there for her if she needs help getting away from her husband.