Am I going mad? Me or parents?

[Jellybeansandflyingsaucers]

Long story short I’ve never got along with my father, growing up he was very strict, spanking, name calling (he called me by a ‘funny’ nickname my whole childhood) never interested in me or my sister and most of the time I felt like a nuisance to him.
for info he has fallen out over the years with no contact with his mum and dad, his brother and wife, my mums sisters x2 my mums dad and various family friends along the way.
he has been incredibly rude to me in recent years- calling me a f-ing nuisance when I dropped my kids to my mum as she looked after them once a week for me is just one example. - after that I decided to not have a lot more to do with him, although I still visited my mum at the house. we ignored each other best we could- which is awkward and crazy in itself really.
recently he started calling my kids ‘funny’ nicknames and not tolerating them for the hour after school they were round. So I decided that the children wouldn’t go round after school anymore- they didn’t want to anyway.
from January after a decline in my mental health due to being ignored and made to feel unwelcome at my parents house over Xmas by him (my husband ignored and not acknowledged either) and anxiety from having to drop the children off in the awkward situ- they are becoming more aware- I have said to my mum that if she wants to see the children she is very welcome but we won’t be visiting their house anymore.

my mum has now said that she won’t be visiting the children at our house (a mile away) and ‘thanks for nothing, you know what your father is like’ and taken to trolling me with memes on fb about ‘family and other peoples bullshit’ etc…
she’s not brought round my dd’s (10) birthday card and she’s refusing to come round…

aibu? Or am I going mad? Or does she need to respect the boundaries I’ve (finally) put in place to protect my mental health and my kids from his rubbish?
oh to have a normal family!

You are definitely correct to protect yourself and your family from your father. Your mother has probably been so victimised by him over the years that she may actually believe allowances should be made for his behaviour but you know he is damaging. I would try again to speak to your mother - she doesn't have to agree or even understand, just respect your decision. Then it's up to her, don't let either of them bring you down.

Just block them both and concentrate on your own little family and your health . Your mother is just as bad as she’s done nothing to protect you and frankly just saying ‘ you know what he’s like’ is not a reasonable answer .

update: I invited my mum for a chat this AM but she ignored the message…

I'm in a similar situation. We spend as little time as possible in the house with my parents. What we do now is invite my mum out. Coffee. Lunch. Out of town shops etc. it means we get to see mum. And she get out of the house and away from her husband for a few hours.

Sorry your parents are like this.

Think you made bad decisions for your DC spend any time with them without you or your H being present. Suggest whatever happens between you and your Mum that you introduce much better ‘boundaries’ for the sake of your DC.

I'm older than you and probably nearer your DMS age.
I've seen this type of behaviour from DMS quite a few times.
They know what their dh is like, they know their behaviour is wrong, they know it's the DH fault that they have no relationships with family, they know exactly what their dh is ......
but the DM has made peace with the situation, it is what it is, the DH will never change, they stay through fear of the unknown, love, guilt etc.
When you stand up and challenge that behaviour your DM will think that you're rocking the boat, ungrateful and probably making things difficult for DM at home.
This is my little bit of insight.
I have a younger friend at work who is going through a situation with her DM and it's eating my df alive.
That said, I feel desperately sorry for you, I can't imagine how it actually feels for your DM to treat you this way.
I have no sage advice but I wish you well ❤️

@itsgoingtobeabumpyride
That is exactly the route my dm took, thank you for such an insightful post.
Unfortunately these fathers are never going to change especially when dms are minimising & enabling their behaviour.

@itsgoingtobeabumpyride
thank you for your post.
that’s exactly the situation here I think, unfortunately.
I appreciate your well wishes, thank you.

I've got very difficult family and I've had to cut ties due to abuse and strange behaviour that had always happened. You're not the bad one, it's them.

I would go completely no contact with both your parents. Your mum condones your dad’s behaviour by enabling him, which makes her just as bad.

Things will be much less stressful and pleasant without them in your life.