To want more children as an unnatural mother

[Chasingyourtail]

Unnatural is probably the wrong word but I certainly wasn't a natural mother first time around. We are now 4 years on from finding out we were going to have our first baby. I found motherhood tough - I don't think COVID helped this and there was of course a lot of usual feelings around not wanting to get things wrong.

I keep envisioning a pregnancy in which DH comes to the scans, I can meet up with other mums and attend baby groups, and doing it all again with the experience I have now. I think what's stopping me is imagining my parents and others who saw my post natal depression last time and not believing I am capable. I rely a lot on my family for help so while I am coming round to the idea of another baby, I am worried about feelings of failure rushing back. I'm nearly 32 if that is at all helpful/relevant.

I stuck with one child OP. The early years were really tough. It comes down to what is more compelling, your fear of repeating history or your need for another child.

Post natal depression is nothing to do with not being a “natural mother”.
Due to your history, you and those around you will know the signs of PND and how to treat it. You may well not suffer anxiety and depression after a second pregnancy.

However if you rely heavily on family for support (childcare?) then a conversation with those family members you want help from is needed before having a second child.

How are you finding motherhood now OP? I learnt the hard way that having a second child when I was already struggling to enjoy parenting the first was not a good idea.

When you say you rely on family for a lot of help, what do you mean? In my case my Mum and in-laws basically co-parented after my second as DH needed to keep working and I was seriously debilitated with PND. I’d understand them expressing concerns about me having another pregnancy/child.

I had a second child and he’s much different to my first, and with increased confidence, I am enjoying it so much more. I also struggled first time round and would also describe myself as not a natural mother in the sense you mean it.

im not sure a reason to do it is to help deal with the trauma/issues you had with your first, as your desire to relive the experience of a newborn and maternity leave more positively may not happen. I would recommend counselling as a place you can talk through your feelings about your first. but if you have other motivations (such wanting a sibling for your child, you and your partner liking the idea of a bigger family or whatever) then do it.

I think you should consider how you might react and cope if you had a high needs/intense baby, versus a chilled happy one. I just wanted to post here as someone who was very fearful about number 2 (but who decided to do it for a number of reasons including wanting DD to have a sibling) who has had a positive second time experience.

I had a baby in Covid too and it was extremely hard. Luckily, she was my second so I had some experience from DD1 and DD2 was a pretty chilled baby. I totally understand the feeling that you didn’t get to properly enjoy pregnancy and the baby stage because I felt that with both of mine for different reasons. DD1 because I was 19yo and spent a lot of her pregnancy in panic mode and her baby stage was spent feeling lonely with no mum friends as people judged me for being 19.

I’m now due imminently with DS and I can’t say I’ve been able to enjoy this pregnancy either because it’s been hard work on my body with sickness, pain and I have gestational diabetes thrown in too. I’m hoping for a smoother baby stage as we won’t also have homeschooling, pandemics or people looking at me like I’ve got two heads.

I think my point is that you should have another child because you want one not to achieve the perfect pregnancy and baby stage memories. It’s great when those happen but they might not for so many reasons out of your control.

No advice here but sending love and virtual hugs! I think my DS is going to be an only child, but I do occasionally daydream about having another and it going much more smoothly than the first!

Your post suggests you want a second as a 'do-over' to have a nice pregnancy/baby time, not that you actually WANT a second child. If this is the case don't do it. If you desperately want a second child I wouldn't let your first experience hold you back, but I would be mindful that it's a lot harder the second time round when you've got two to juggle. Both physically/logistically harder, corralling them both and meeting their needs, and emotionally harder with a lot of guilt due to not being able to give either of them the time and focus they want because you have two.

Thank you you so much for your replies. I'm currently in the kitchen while my 3 YO eats breakfast. He is certainly going through a more challenging phase behaviour wise. I've been reading some parenting books and am actually enjoying this challenge and using it as an opportunity to practice patience and get to know my DS more. Sometimes I think we should stay as we are and I should put all we have into our one DS but other times I think about how far I have come emotionally, the promotions at work we have had and the bigger house we will soon be moving to and think - maybe another would be nice.

I'm not surprised that WITH EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING ON IN THE WORLD DURING A PANDEMIC that you suffered from PND.

I had awful PND with my first, terrible birth, zero family support and wallop, my hv told me she was surprised I held it together so long.

I get the 'do over' feeling - I wanted to get it right second time round, have a positive birth experience etc, but it was even worse and I found out that dh was having an affair just after dc2 was born. BUT I didn't have pnd the second time - I had put in place lots of support, and was able to recognize that it was crap the first time round so my expectations were so much lower than the picture perfect newborn stage.

Talk with your family op, and with the hv.

Do you still rely on family for support?

Also maybe some of it is being on my 30s and foreseeing the definite closing of this chapter in the next few years.

Grandparents help out (my mum/stepdad, my dad/stepmum, DHs parents) - they take 1.5 days between them and DS is at nursery 3.5 days a week. They were also a huge help in keeping me company in the days of maternity leave.

By the sound of things I would wait a few more years. I had severe PND with my first. With my second I didn’t have any depression because I had experience on my side and there is a big gap so my first was older and more independent. I think you may struggle with a baby and a young one as both will be demanding.

What is a natural mother though?

Would they be willing to provide care for two children or would you need to put them both into full time childcare?

I had PND with my first.

Had my second 4.5 years later, completely different. Didn't get PND and bonded immediately.

It's up to you op. Long as you have support around you and you feel well in yourself it's completely your own decision.

Go for it, OP. You are not responsible for others' feelings- your parents can think what they will. YOU know you are a more than capable mother. You sound reflective, responsible and caring. Your first experience was under extremely unusual and difficult circumstances, and even if it hadn't been and you still got PND, this is very common and doesn't make you an incapable mother at all. If you want another baby, please don't let anyone 'judge' you out of that, and then you might desperately regret it later.

Having a second child is a completely different experience- some things are more challenging and it's not just 'another go' at what having your first baby was like, for example you are dealing with the whole issue of managing your older one becoming a sibling and you have to divide your attention between them. But I think it can also be very very enjoyable and healing for want of a better word to get to do the baby phase from a perspective of not being a new mum, already knowing more and being able to put some things in perspective and just enjoy (provided it isn't an unusually difficult baby of course).

I don’t think anyone is a natural mother, that seems an unrealistic standard to hold yourself to. Having PND doesn’t mean you’re not a “natural mother”, it’s an illness. I’d consider how your mental health has been more recently, could you consider counselling to get yourself to a good place and then see how you feel? And what about your partner as you haven’t mentioned them at all.

2020 mums really missed out.

I had my second last summer and it’s been incredibly healing getting to do it all ‘properly.’

It's a while ago now, but I had pnd with my first. Had my two close together, and being pregnant cured my pnd (it was definitely hormonal). Thankfully I didn't experience it with my second - having him was a very healing experience for me.

But everyone is different. A neighbour of mine had pnd with all three of hers, while someone I worked with had a similar experience to mine, except with a longer gap between children.

Nobody worth your time will judge you for having pnd. It's not your fault, and it doesn't make you a bad mother.

Lots of people have additional children with far less thought. Having PND doesn't mean you don't have a right to more children. Nor does it mean you are not a natural mother.

With a 3 year old you'd be probably having a 4 year gap which sounds very manageable. Also at 32 you have time for a longer gap if you need it. That said there is no shame in being one and done. Good luck with whatever you decide to do OP.

It is hard. That's the reality. Parenting children is hard and each stage has its own joys and challenges. I have 3 children (had 3 under 3.6) and I've learned that you kind of forget just how difficult each stage of parenting is. I see photos now of the children when they were younger and I think 'Oh, I did do painting with them. I did go to the park....' because at the time it was all so hard that I've almost forgotten it. They all have additional needs, so perhaps that's part of it.

If you don't have another child, you'll have the 'difficulty' of having an only child, having to arrange playdates if you want them to have the company of other children, etc. If you do have another child, you'll have the 'difficulty' of having two children at different stages, with different needs, both requiring your time and having to decide who to prioritise, etc.

What do you want? Pregnancy lasts 9 months but parenthood lasts a lifetime. If it's parenthood you want, go for it!

I didn't feel like a 'natural mother.' I still don't. Most days I am muddling through. And these early years are tough but second time round you have the experience! I would definitely be more prepared and confident with a second. At least I wouldn't be googling every little thing. You may have a very different experience the next time.

Don't let the fear of other people's judgements put you off. You sound like a wonderful mum to your little one and would be a wonderful mum to another.

I think the only person who knows the answer is you. I think our hormones tell us to have babies but you have to be honest with yourself. A baby is a baby for such a short time, are you willing and able to be there to support that baby as it becomes an adult and even when they are an adult? My mum is not really a baby person and I love her more than anything. However I think she lost patience when I was a teen and an adult and just wanted to have her own life with my dad. She loves me but is not interested in spending time with me (Christmas and grandchildren etc..). She loves us all hugely and would be always be there for me but is not really able to meet what I would have wanted from a mother (as an adult). When I see my friends who have amazing relationships with their parents , it makes me really sad that my mum (and dad) have no real interest in seeing me or my children. So I would think carefully beyond the baby stage as it is a life-long commitment.

I think it really depends if you have that burning desire to have another child?

I also had my first in the first Covid lockdown and recently had my second baby, this maternity leave has not been AT ALL what I thought it might be due to a family illness which led to their passing. There were also lots of pro’s to having a baby in covid times believe it or not.

I wouldn’t do it again as a ‘do over’ because you really just don’t know what the future holds, however if you really just feel another baby completes your family then that’s different and you’ll be better equipped this to deal with challenges.

Whatever decision you make, will be the right one x

If you're 32 and your DC is 4 why not wait a couple more years and see how you feel once your DC is on school? There is no rush. Also would your family want to help as much a second time. Your Mum will be getting older?