family member being disowned

[changeme4this]

A family member is in hospital awaiting surgery. His siblings, plus extended family such as myself are all included on emails as to how things are proceeding.

That family member has over recent years stopped communicating with his son and has recently changed their Will removing the Son as a beneficiary. There are grandchildren involved who sadly they also have no contact with.

The reasoning given is they dislike his partner. I haven't had great interactions with the partner either, but I don't allow it to affect my relationship with my family member.

The son has a sibling. According to the son, his sibling has stolen money from their parents plus owes a sizable amount that hasnt been re-paid.

The sibling is known for going through their parents documents and investments, monitoring the parents email accounts, and speaking negatively of other family members, including their own offspring to the parents.

Basically the hospitalised family member dislikes everyone in their immediate family except that one offspring....

the son has shown me copies of the many times he has sent texts and calls. The hospitalised family member says they haven't been in touch apart briefly once a year and I can see those replies in the copies so I know the Son's calls and texts are going through.

the hospitalised family member does not want the son to know they are in hospital and has emailed me requesting I do not pass on the information.

As I'm related to all of them, and they all know I talk to everyone, I don't see it as being my secret to keep from the son, and if it had been my parents, I would hope my extended family would keep me up to date.

IABU for wanting to keep son up to date?

Tough one, private medical information should be kept private but, in the same circumstances, I’d want to know.
Are they likely to arrive at the hospital and cause them distress?

the hospitalised family member does not want the son to know they are in hospital and has emailed me requesting I do not pass on the information.

As I'm related to all of them, and they all know I talk to everyone, I don't see it as being my secret to keep from the son, and if it had been my parents, I would hope my extended family would keep me up to date

No. Nothing to do with you. You have no right to discuss anyone's medical conditions with anyone else. The fact that you have been told directly not to discuss it makes it even worse that you are considering telling someone else about it.

Depends on how close a family member you are. Is the person in hospital your brother and the disowned person your nephew? If so I think you should update your nephew. If they are all distant cousins then I'd stay out of it.

Nope if the family member has said he's not to be told, then you don't tell him.
You could say that if you are directly asked by the son, ie 'ive heard that [person] is in hospital, is that true?' then you are unwilling to lie but won't give out further information as it's not yours to give.

Either way, you're going to upset one of them. Personally, I'd go for upsetting the person in hospital (as they are being unreasonable trying to include you in their complicity) and tell the other family member where they are. You're not divulging medical information, you're just saying that their parent is in hospital.

This is your relatives private medical information and express wishes.

They have made it absolutely clear that they don't want this information passed on.

You need to respect that.

Situation isn’t great but the person in the hospital has told you not to likely knowing you would tell. Don’t tell the son or you may find yourself disowned by the family member in the hospital and others for ignoring their wishes.

Tell them that their father is in hospital but not about why, unless the son is likely to turn up at the hospital and cause strife.
You have been placed in a bind. Do what allows you to sleep at night.

It's his right to choose who he tells about his medical issues. Imagine people who were being abused, their abuser shows up in the hospital? I know it's not that but you must respect his wishes.
He's having surgery, of course there is a risk but he's not dying surely? Even if he is then the guy will find that out once it's happened. But do not tell anyone if he said not to. Quite a few people will have a select few visiting and knowing about their medical treatment. Some prefer to keep family fully in the dark.

No. You been asked not to tell the son. Why would you?

How has OP been placed in a bind?

The hospitalised family member has been talking to other family members, not just OP. OP says that the family knows that OP still talks to the Son. The only bind here is OP wanting to tell the son regardless of being requested not to from the hospitalised family member. Their reason may be ridiculous, but the only bind here is of OP’s creation.

If you can't resist passing on the info,then remove yourself from the group do that you don't receive updates either.

It isn’t your business to tell anyone.

It does sound like a crappy situation. While I disagree that saying someone is in hospital is disclosing private medical information, the fact is that you have been specifically asked not to share this information. It also sounds like the situation isn't life threatening for the father so basically he has to have a routine medical procedure which is not really anyone else's business.

Back in the dim and distant, when I was nursing, we were allowed to tell the police that someone was an inpatient, without that person's express permission.

I agree you have been placed in an awkward position, but a fair and reasonable request has been made of you and I think you have to respect that request. If you can't then I would expect you to remove yourself from the family whatsapp group and let the patient know you will be telling their son. Expect the brown stuff to hit the fan at great speed. You will not come out of that looking good.

We weren't allowed to tell the police

Exactly what I was going to say.

I dislike stirrers, and OP, you would be stirring if you disclose this information

Why do you feel someone does not have the right to decide who they want to have information about their health?

Yes you are being unreasonable. The back story doesn't actually matter. People have the right to withold or divulge their medical information from/to whoever they want.

If they have made it explicit who they
don't want to know, you have to respect that.

How would you feel if it was your information being shared against your express wishes?

the hospitalised family member does not want the son to know they are in hospital and has emailed me requesting I do not pass on the information.

THIS is the answer.

As an ex nurse - if my patient said - "don't tell my son i'm in hospital" - then the son wouldn't be told that they were in hospital.

You don't just take it upon yourself to disregard the wishes of someone when they have expressly told you to NOT to do something; because you think you know better...

Wtaf.
No you do not tell them.
Im estranged from my lot. If anyone took it upon themsleves to inform them of anything to do with me let alone medical issues id go bananas.
How dare you. Stay out of it.

Absolutely do not tell the son. In a situation like this you should fully respect the wishes of the person in hospital.
I have a family member that I would want to be kept out of my business if I was in hospital. Others in my family know that and I would be completely beyond furious if anyone went against that thinking the family member 'has a right to know'. Nobody has a right to know something if the person it concerns has expressly said they don't want them informed.

You're NBU for WANTING to update the son but you would BmassivelyU to do anything about it - not your place.

It's not your information to share.

Respect the personal wishes and keep your nose out