Mother’s Day Expectations

[GwinGwyn]

AIBU to think that some posts today could have been avoided by people clearly expressing to their family/others what they expected from today?

I didn’t see my mum today as I am moving tomorrow and I am in the middle of packing boxes. But she knew weeks in advance (as much notice as I got) and I sent her a card, texted her today (we chatted yesterday), and I’m going to take her for lunch once settled - sometime around Easter, we’ll tie down a date.

But I see so many posts on here where people just haven’t had an honest conversation about what they wanted and seem to think people know through osmosis or psychic ability. Maybe you think I am crap for not dropping everything and driving 80 miles to my mum today - she doesn’t - texted her first thing to say HMD and she replied: “Couldn’t do it without you! Xxx” which I thought was incredibly sweet.

Not to say people don’t have issues with their mothers - I have over the years - but so many people on here are upset because they didn’t have their perfect day, but didn’t seem to communicate what they wanted in advance. We are all living in a world of blended families, people working mad hours, living at a great distance from another. This genuinely isn’t aimed at anyone - I read stuff and felt guilty that I hadn’t done more for my mum - but then it kind of dawned that my mum is fine because we both knew what today would look like.

AIBU to think mums have a role in speaking to their loved ones about what they do/don’t want for today? People aren’t mind readers. But if they know, something is agreed and people are arseholes, then fair enough obviously….

I told my dh I wanted nice new towels for mothers. A big bath sheet type towel.

He got me a nice big towel, a towel for my head AND a duvet set. The duvet set isn’t to my taste but I will still use it and I’ve said thank you to everything.

It isn’t hard to say what you would like

I have been very vocal about the fact that all I wanted was to go out for a nice meal. I cook every bloody day and I don't want to cook on Mother's Day. It's all I ask, every year.

Nothing booked so my DH is cooking. He's a shit cook. I won't apologise for being disappointed.

Yep, lots of poor communication and quite bit of spoilt brattishness (eg the mum who got flowers, cards and breakfast but still moaned).

YANBU, I find it a bit upsetting hearing about how hard done by some people are because they didn't get the right sort of flowers or card or chocolates or someone didn't thank them enough so they come to Mumsnet to complain. I just don't think some people realise this lucky they are because they've never known life outside of their spoilt little bubbles.

But these are people you live with do you not actually know what they like without it being spelt out? For example I regularly buy myself a bunch of flowers from the supermarket and in the summer cut some from the garden; what do you think I might like?
A good friend of mine always wears black; no I didn’t buy her a bright pink top for her birthday.

I agree when it comes to newer parents (like it's their first Mother's Day as a mother), just because families do Mother's Day so differently that I think discussing expectations is reasonable. For example, I've never bought a Mother's Day card or gift in my life, and didn't even speak to my mum today. Our relationship is fine, she just has zero interest in Mother's Day. It's been like that forever, and she doesn't care, it's a normal day as far as she's concerned. Which is fine. But if I were a man, and had had that all my life but then my wife wanted a really big deal made of Mother's Day, I'd probably need to be told that because it wouldn't occur to me to do it (just as it doesn't occur to me to have anything done for me as a mother, I've inherited my mother's views).

But if you've been together and had children for years, then I think it has probably been communicated by now.

90% of MN would be redundant if we all communicated better within our families.

I have always made sure that fathers day is a whole thing in our house for my DH. I buy him a present for about £40, we go out for breakfast then we have a takeaway for dinner. I make sure I'm in a lovely jovial mood, he doesn't have to do anything all day. He has this expectation for all this which I always make happen.

Today, aside from a present thrust at me, half heartedly (which I had to pick) my day has been exactly the same. I've gone to bed fucking hungry because I didn't want to cook and DH obviously CBA/decided he didn't want to buy me a takeaway. Probably too tight despite insisting this on "his days"

When Fathers Day comes around in June it will look very different to previous years. He can go and fuck himself.

I agree. I gave my (older teenage and adult) children a list of things I would like and they took notice. Nothing expensive and ex-H helped the youngest one out with a tenner as he didn't have enough money. I am very pleased, not just with my gifts but with the fact that they listened to me.

DH asks me what I want and I just tell him. Sometimes I fancy a meal out, mostly it's just some peace! agree it's strange these conversations don't happen but...I can also see it happening

I disagree.

I think we should know what our Mums like, and make the effort to give something appropriate.

It doesn’t have to be expensive. A card and some flowers that you know they like. This shouldn’t need to be communicated. If you have a decent relationship with your Mum, you should take an interest in what they like.

You shouldn’t need to spoon feed them every year.

I made sure I expressed to my husband - when he spectacularly failed to do anything for Mother's Day last year (our baby's first) - exactly what I wanted. Lunch out, a cup of tea in bed, and a card. Maybe time to have a bath or do my nails.

I got nothing from him. Nada. Not even a card. He asked on Saturday "where do you want to go for lunch tomorrow?" As if less than 24hrs notice would work.

When the baby woke up this morning I asked if he could go to him and he said "why?". ITS MOTHERS DAY.

I have a 12 yr old from a previous marriage who has bought me a lovely body shop set with her pocket money and a card so all was not lost.

My expectations weren't high. He went out for lunch yesterday while I stayed at home with the baby who's been a bit snotty. I've been working so so so hard lately going back to work and I just wanted this one day to be about making me happy and relaxed. Absolutely devastated and so selfish on his part. I just feel so bloody unappreciated, lonely, and sad.

I agree that people aren't mind readers. But, I really don't think I should have to spell out to DH (who I have been with for 20 years) what I might like on Mothers Day (our kids are still young enough to need him to take them to shops to get card/gift). A few years ago he actually got something for his own mum and completely forgot to get anything for me.

We have never been materialistic with presents, a small gift plus card is more than sufficient. But otherwise today has literally been a normal Sunday. I've been sorting out washing, organising school clothes for the week, tidying up, going to the supermarket, meal planning, made the kids meals, cleared up after them etc. I honestly don't think I'm being unreasonable to think he might say to the kids "right, we need to clear up after lunch, mums having a break today" and not need prompted to do it. But no. We have boys and I think it needs to be a better example for them as they grow up and become partners/husbands/fathers themselves and appreciate the value of the females in their lives. I'm not ungrateful, I'm just disappointed.

Usually Mother’s Day is over looked in my house and I would spend the day disappointed, this year told them all DH included they are usually useless so instead of high hopes I would settle for new flower beds dug out and composted, we only moved here 6 months ago. the whole house can’t lift an arm tonight they are so sore flower beds amazing though 👍 going to plan everything like that from now on, birthdays Xmas the lot :)

Totally fair enough, as I said if you’ve communicated it, it’s been agreed and doesn’t happen then you have every right to be angry and upset.

I get your point, but surely there’s no harm in asking to check that tastes or opinions haven’t changed? I think asking is being solicitous of someone’s feelings, it shows you care.

I honestly think that is the way forward! Enjoy your flower beds!

Please let some of us be disappointed, without putting yet more emotional load on us.

DC is 20. I got nothing yesterday. From DC or DH. It's not on me, you know?

‘AIBU to think mums have a role in speaking to their loved ones about what they do/don’t want for today? ‘

YABU. I had an incredible day. My husband and young adult kids stepped up and I was valued. I didn’t give them any hints or clues. They know me, love me and recognise I am a great mum. I am not bragging but saying that in a loving family, where you have been with your spouse for more than a year, it’s ok to expect this stuff without having to be prescriptive. MD happens every year. It’s not a surprise.

I didn’t say people couldn’t be disappointed at all, just that expressing your preferences could help avoid a disappointing or upsetting outcome. If they both know you care about Mother’s Day and wanted a card or gift and didn’t supply these then of course you have every right to be sad, I totally understand that.

Well thank you. Very kind of you.

Why have you started a thread just to criticise mothers?

You rather hit the nail on the head there where you said they ‘know you ‘ which must mean they know that you want to feel valued on that date (plenty of mothers don’t give a toss about Mother’s Day after all - I know at least two). So that negates the need to communicate. My point was about examples where families had seemed to completely ignore the day and mothers were at a loss to understand why and were very disappointed.

I don’t think I am ABU to think that talking about preferences can help to avoid these situations. But agree to disagree.

I had the day I wanted which was a quiet lunch with my DM and DD I booked it for us and it was a nice day, I dont know what it is about mothers day and valentine day but I hate SM on those days as its all a bit competitive over what gifts/flowers/cards are received its a bit sad really.

I didn't get anything and never do expect anything. I'm just glad I don't have to bother with father's day now 😀My OH wont be getting anything from me and I won't go out out of my way to drop hints to the kids about making cards either. He won't care, and that's the thing - if the tables were turned in your household, they wouldn't care that they didn't get anything for fathers day, so stop doing it for them if they can't be arsed with you! That's my advice.

I find valentines, fathers day, birthdays, easter and christmas far too much hassle on top of all the other weird days (world book day, pancake day, anniversaries etc) you are expected to remember too. This is all more mental load and disappointment for women. Just stop doing it all if your partners and children don't care, and use the time and money for yourself.

You think that was my intention? Way off base.

Thanks for the snark. I was being genuine.