To not understand the dynamics of this relationship

[ShallWenott]

This an an EXTREMELY long story but I will try and narrow it down a little. So I met DH when I was 17, we hit it off straight away and have become inseparable since. DH lived with his gran from being young and I never fully understood it, although she was always nice to me and it was non of my business. Then she started making comments and belittling me in front of DH, saying I was taking her away from him. It is only really since having my own children have I realised how mean she was to me in the circumstances. DH mum is lovely, she had him when she was very young, I never understood why DH lived with gran and SIL lived with mum, she is very down with it so to speak.

Since having my children, she never see's them, never asks how they are, even though she lives round the corner. Puts all over FB how much she loves them and expects everybody to jump on days like this (mothers day, birthdays etc)

DH thinks the sun shines out of her arse, I do not understand it, If my mother just gave me to my gran I don't know how I would feel. Gran did a great job at raising him and DH is the most caring, honest person, Sadly she has died now.

MIL tried to give me parenting tips and I just don't listen because I think how can you possibly do that when you just gave your son away. I am guessing there is some underlying reason why this happened but I just find it so odd, as I mother, I honestly cannot imagine it. AIBU and just keep my nose out, or is it understandable to try and understand it all?

I wonder if maybe your husband subconsciously feels that if he doesn’t profess to love everything his mother does, she’ll become even more distant from him and he’ll lose her in his life.

Maybe, I suppose it is me trying to understand it, as I really do not feel I can ask him, Nobody can say a bad word about her (understandably I suppose), it just doesn't make any sense to me.

I should think that mental health plays a large part in this. I think you are being a bit simplistic. I doubt that she "gave away" her son.

How young was she when she had him?

She was 18

It really isn’t that hard. You said she had him young. So presumably she wasn’t ready for motherhood and couldn’t manage. Not everybody can.

Yes, maybe shouldn't have said that, I can imagine this was done at the time in the best interests of him, but why?

But would you then have another child? or would you be hoping it would be better that time round?

I didnt follow your post 100%. Was it:

• Gran raised DH, was initially lovely to you then became insulting (is that relevant) and now sadly passed away?

• Mum didnt raised DH but did raise his sister, he idolised his mum regardless and now she isn't involved with your kids but posts about them regularly

Is that right?
It would be helpful to know the age difference between DH and his sister, and if both had the same father. I ask in case MIL felt more capable of offering her daughter a stable home, and if she was perhaps a bit older and maybe able to push back on pressure to give up her child?

I have seen this kind of dysfunctional relationship before.

In my experience, it often happens where a woman's partner has either left or passed away at a relatively young age.

Instead of exploring new relationships, their son or grandson takes on the role of the absent partner. Not sexually but in ever other way - the one they turn to, the one who gives their life meaning, the one they look after & who looks after them, they one they can depend on and who depends on them.

The younger person never sees how manipulative it is as they unknowingly fill a void in someone's life. They does see it as enmeshed or dysfunctional and believe that it's about love whereas it's really about control and neediness.

It's extremely difficult to unwind as the younger person was in their teens max when it all started.

It's really not that hard to understand and quite frankly you are being incredibly judgemental.
It's likely his mum just quite simply wasn't ready to be a fully invested mum, whilst her mum stepped in to help. When your MiL did eventually get things sorted it was likely in your DHs best interests to keep him where he was.
Doesn't mean MiL was any less of his mum, or that she didn't love him.

Honestly, do you really have to understand it? There could be a thousand reasons why things turned out the way they did and none of them are your business. Your only concern is how you choose to navigate your own relationship with your MIL. If you want to keep her at an arms length, do so.

This.
if this makes no sense to you, you lack life experience, imagination and empathy.

In the entire time you’ve known your husband, you’ve never discussed it? Never asked? How is that possible?

Also, you say she’s lovely. So, what’s the current problem? You don’t need to understand her past actions.

It is just starting to annoy me that she makes zero effort with my children and then expects everybody to jump for her on special occasions?

Where does their father fit in?

In what way is she expecting you to jump?

He wasn't involved at all. SIL has a different father.

Booking things that involve the kids and I and not asking if we are free beforehand.

This has nothing to do with the family dynamics when DH was young.

I think you're wrongly conflating the two.

Could you give an example, please?

And, again, you called her ‘lovely’ in the OP. Is she?

There’s the reason he lived with his Nan that, it’s quite common. As you have never been a single parent I don’t think you are in a place to judge.

Its common for children to move in with their Gran when being raised by a single parent?

My birth mother adopted me out at 17 and had my half brother (who she kept) two years later.

I'm glad I got adopted out as she is very emotionally messy to this day...
But it was a bit of a mind f*ck knowing that she was "ready" when my brother came along, and still gave me away.

("Gave away" is fine to say... It's what a lot of adopted people use when describing feelings of abandonment).

I went through a stage of being very defensive of my birth mother to my mum (who adopted me) and also the reverse.
I felt like I needed to not let anyone see the other's bad side and in a way, justify my existence.

Open adoptions or situations when the biological parent is still around are VERY complex and I don't blame you for struggling to understand.

Just know that your husband probably has a lot of emotions that he hasn't dealt with and this is his way of coping and it's a self-protective strategy I relate to.

There are some psychologists that believe that mothers who adopt out or hand over their children (due to whatever circumstance) often are deeply traumatised by it and their mental age gets kind of stuck at that time.

I had to do a lot of therapy surrounding this because I have grown up, but my birth mother still acts like she is 17.
She expects the world to cater to her, she has quite a simplistic world view and she is quite push/pull with me.

She is also selfish and can lash out.

I now feel like I have to mother her because emotionally she feels much younger than me.

I think you need to address the issues with MIL now, booking without consultation etc and discuss your issues with DH. It's sad she shows no interest in your own children, sadly this is often the say with grandparents. I don't see how the decisions she made or were made for her at 18 have anything to do with it. It sounds a bit like you want DH to resent her. If he is OK with their relationship then you should be too. Just deal with that's relevant to you now. Many families are incredibly complex it doesn't always need to be understood by everyone.