To not understand the dynamics of this relationship

[ShallWenott]

This an an EXTREMELY long story but I will try and narrow it down a little. So I met DH when I was 17, we hit it off straight away and have become inseparable since. DH lived with his gran from being young and I never fully understood it, although she was always nice to me and it was non of my business. Then she started making comments and belittling me in front of DH, saying I was taking her away from him. It is only really since having my own children have I realised how mean she was to me in the circumstances. DH mum is lovely, she had him when she was very young, I never understood why DH lived with gran and SIL lived with mum, she is very down with it so to speak.

Since having my children, she never see's them, never asks how they are, even though she lives round the corner. Puts all over FB how much she loves them and expects everybody to jump on days like this (mothers day, birthdays etc)

DH thinks the sun shines out of her arse, I do not understand it, If my mother just gave me to my gran I don't know how I would feel. Gran did a great job at raising him and DH is the most caring, honest person, Sadly she has died now.

MIL tried to give me parenting tips and I just don't listen because I think how can you possibly do that when you just gave your son away. I am guessing there is some underlying reason why this happened but I just find it so odd, as I mother, I honestly cannot imagine it. AIBU and just keep my nose out, or is it understandable to try and understand it all?

@AvonleaHeart goodness we are similar! My birth mother also had another 2 years later and kept her.

Yes I can think of about 5 families I know of off the top of my head from people I was in school with to a child in my 5 year years old’s class.

I dont want him to hate her, I just do not want her to be put on a massively high pedestal by him, it makes no sense.

Yes. Some people are not ready to be parents and if there is a loving alternative (be that the family stepping in, short term fostering, or adoption) then that is what happens.

We adopted my DS, he has a sibling who was looked after within the family and another sibling who went into Foster Care, but eventually went back to birth mum.

But why not? It sounds as though you don't know the reasons why he was raised by his gran, so for all you know this was a tremendously difficult decision where his mother put his interests above her desires and he recognises that gift?

Have you posted about this before it sounds very familiar

but it is not up to you to understand emotions and reactions and not logical. His mother was young so left him with the grandmother and since then he has been trying to come to terms with that and this is his coping mechanism. It’s not dofficult
or hard to see why this is his reaction and pushing him or her on it isn’t going to get you anywhere but a worldof upset.

you didn’t give birth at 18 presumably with someone who then abandoned you and your child so you cannot put how you would feel on her

It feels like you dislike his Mum, mainly due to how she treats/ ignores your kids. That is fine, but it might go some way to explaining why DH lived with his nan? The Mum may have health issue, mental or otherwise, is not good with kids etc. Is it really that weird for someone to grow up with their grandparents? It's not like she was banned from seeing him by SS or anything.
He could have a rose tinted view of his Mum as she was not involved in the day to day disciplinary parenting that was done by Nan, leaving Mum seeming more fun and 'cool'? Also he could be seeking her approval as she may have had neglectful tendencies. His Nan has died, so he is trying to regain a relationship with his Mum?
These things should not really matter that much. You don't need to understand the minutae of someone's family dynamics.

Maybe and presumably yes. Are you really having trouble understanding this or are you being obtuse?

It sounds like you just want to wreck the relationship he does have with his mother. If he is happy with it, then no reason for you not to be.

You have a husband already used to be in control of his women. They now try to control you and the kids you have with him. Just make sure he knows

The most important bit in all this is your husband. He will probably have some really complex emotions about what went on and how to process it, things like this can hugely impact who you are as a person and how you approach things.

Has he ever had counselling? It would probably be beneficial for him to discuss what happened and work through it from someone unrelated to the situation.

Honestly I think you need to keep a lid on your annoyance at how she behaves at the minute. This isn't a normal bothersome MIL situation.