Friend winding me up with advice- cancer

[Francisflute]

I have a fairly recent cancer diagnosis. The prognosis is neither outright terrible nor worry-free.

I've had surgery and have radio and chemo lined up.

My AIBU is AIBU to want advice on how to head one friend off who considers herself a mine of wisdom?

She means well but is quite sheltered in some ways. She keeps saying quite annoying or upsetting things such as that i should try and learn from this, see the positives or otherwise imply that there is a good side of this.

I am not moaning to her or asking her advice. I only provide health updates when asked and mainly text about her, and other things.

She has been supportive but these last couple of days it's been quite upsetting being pushed to be positive and all this mindfulness stuff. I have never asked about her spiritual approach. She asked if I wasn't quite enjoying the time out. Well no, I'm not. It's scary, uncertain, lonely and I didn't choose it.

I'm getting on with treatment and recovery and having this diagnosis but I don't have to like it and I don't need or want a self appointed, untrained counsellor.

I'm finding it really tone deaf and upsetting as though I'm being judged and told what to do when she knows nothing about the situation first hand.

Would anyone have any advice on how to kindly head her off and stop the silly questions and forced positivity/ motivational stuff? In don't want to lose her as a friend, this is coming from a kind piece. I've tried gently saying it's not for me.

Im sorry OP. This must be an overall difficult time for you and I can see why this isn't helping.

Would you be able to tell your friend exactly how you feel. That your not looking for advice or a silver lining you just wanted to talk to her. Maybe tell her what you need, she might deep down know she's saying the wrong things but not know what to say.

Write her a text saying something like, “Hi friend, I so appreciate your support during this challenging time for me. Could I please ask you to do something for me? Please don’t ask me to ‘see the good’ in this or suggest spiritual perspectives. It’s not helpful for me right now but I love you for your kindness and for caring, and for all the friendship and listening you’ve been doing. Lots of love x’

Any good? Sorry you’re tackling this btw

I'm so sorry you've been diagnosed with cancer and really hope you make a great recovery.

Quite honestly, it's not up to her to tell you how you should feel. I'd be quite sharp about that.

She asked if I wasn't quite enjoying the time out. Well no, I'm not. It's scary, uncertain, lonely and I didn't choose it.

She is unbelievably tone deaf to ask you that question. Who the hell is going to say yes to that? I hope you told her what you've said here.

I think with some people the only thing you can do is to be really sharp and tell them what you think of their suggestions and then mute their messages for a (long) while. The best thing to do is to say something which, when she repeats it to others, they say, "Well ffs what did you expect, you idiot?"

That sounds really annoying. I know someone just like that and I know she means well, but it's pretty unbearable. Sometimes the best way to deal with people like that is to respond very briefly after a pause to give them the space to hear themselves. E.g. "are you quite enjoying the time out?" .... 3 second pause to let the question linger "no, not really"..

Ask her to look up toxic positivity?

Otherwise I'd just say something along the lines of 'I appreciate that you're trying to help, but I'd prefer it if you helped me in the way that I liked being helped and in this case its that we don't try and put a positive spin on everything and I can just feel how I feel'.

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis OP and hope the rest of your treatment goes well.

Macmillan have a useful section on their website about this you could direct her to, or a booklet you can order further down the page or see if you could pick up if there's a Macmillan centre in your hospital. I found these guides invaluable when my husband had his diagnosis and even thought he could tell me to stfu if I said something stupid, it was really helpful reading this through and making it available for visitors to read.

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/supporting-someone/emotional-support-for-family-and-friends/what-to-say-to-someone-who-has-cancer

I did this to someone on a different topic: infertility.

what made me see I was saying the wrong things was the person just not really replying to my saying , just saying ‘hmm’ or ‘ok’ on the phone.

I got the message.

after an embarrassed while I apologised, she excepted my apology and now we’re close again (and she’s pregnant but nothing to do with my advice!)

OP

This is what I did when I had cancer and scare the other day

First of all I don't share the news with anyone other than my OH, 3 kids and their OH's and make it clear it goes not further. They are aware I get wound up
with stuff like posted

People mean well but the over-positives et, again and again make be sick

My siblings would worry and want to ask me as they care but I know they'd ring often, and did not want that nor for them to worry. So it was agreed we wont tell anyone exle

Its easy being positive about someone else IMO.

NB and BTW

importantly DO NOT do it via text as it can read wrong

Say face 2 face "I know you care/worry but please don't talk about it now. I appreciate your concerns but as a good fined I can share with you the fact that I don't want to discuss or hear about my health and I will update you when I feel like taking about it - otherwise, please any other subject other than my health"

Job done

The best thing I ever heard (when I was being like your friend) is that you do not want any input of any kind, unless you ask. You can let her know that it is upsetting and if she persists you'll have no choice but to cease contact.

OP you might want to ask MN to move this to the Cancer Boards where you will get advice from others going through the same thing.

Can someone run interference for you? You shouldn't need to be dealing with this nonsense. When my sibling was diagnosed he just used to murmur 'PMA approaching' (positive mental attitude) and I'd go to town. It actually really helped me deal with my rage, so don't think you're putting a tough job onto someone else!

Agree re cancer boards. And was going to say support groups generally.

I had cancer many years ago and had some similar experiences. I think it's very common. Alongside the people who don't know what to say are the people who are full of advice. I lost a lot of weight due to chemo and the number of women who told me at least that was something to be grateful for was unbelievable.

I have no answers but fellow travelers will at least empathize.

Thanks all for understanding and the great suggestions on what to say.

I think something along these lines will be it.

She's taken to saying whether she has a 'good or bad feeling' about mine and other people's outcomes who have serious illnesses (a couple of older mutual acquaintances have diagnoses too).

I can't believe the insensitivity of putting herself and her supposed perception in the centre of everything.

My (rather avoidant) instinct is to phase her out but she is a good person in other ways. There's an arrogance about this that is maddening but I suppose it comes of not knowing what to say.

Happy to move to the cancer board I was also happy to receive some AIBU decisiveness as feeling quite pissed off!

I think you might as well tell ger directly that her approach, whilst well intentioned,is pretty crass and insensitive. Or find a mutual friend to support the conversation?

If your other option is phasing her out, at least you're giving her a chance this way. If she responds badly, well, you were thinking of losing her from your life anyway because of this?

Wishing you well OP, and hope it resolves quickly so you can focus on what's important x

”I know you’re trying to help me, but you’re actually making me feel worse. Please stop.”

'You're being very insensitive, please stop'

YANBU. It's a lot to get your head around and the last thing you need is forced joliness.

I only told my boss and two sisters. I had to stop one sister broadcasting it on Facebook, so she got cut out of the loop pretty quickly. Then I carried on working as usual. I have the advantage of working from home 4 days a week so was able to pace myself, and we were in lockdown for part of the time which helped.

I think you need to stop telling her anything. Cut her off from the drama. Minimise the situation, just keep saying 'I'm fine thanks' and changing the subject.

Then choose a more sensitive friend to confide in.

Good luck with it all. I'm 2.5 years on from diagnosis. DM me if you need any insights or want to chat.

Honestly, I would bin her, but that’s me. If she texted wanting an explanation, I would tell her that she should “Take this as a learning experience.”
If you can’t speak to her face to face, text her and explain that you are not up to having this conversation in person. Suggest that she googles how to speak to cancer patients or people with life-altering diagnoses. Let her know that unless she is a medical professional with an oncology specialty or has cancer herself, she is not entitled to have opinions about what you should be doing, how you should be thinking or feeling or sharing her fucking intuition. Nobody died and appointed her the expert on everything. Cancer is not a “learning experience” it’s a horrible disease that randomly manifests in babies as well as kids and adults. Would she tell a baby that it was a learning bloody experience??? It’s not helpful, it’s patronizing and cruel. You have a team of qualified professionals looking after you and you can’t afford to spend your precious energy on people who are not supportive.

If she’s a good friend normally, I’d give her 1 chance.

'Friend, some of the things you say regarding my having cancer are upsetting to me. I know you're trying to find positivity in it but quite quite frankly it sucks, really sucks.'

I think some people (particularly ones who describe themselves as an empath but lack any actual empathy to put themselves in someone else's shoes for two seconds) just cannot accept that some situations are shit. Sometimes there isn't a silver lining to something traumatic like a cancer diagnosis. A lot of the time it's just shit and unfair, not what you would have chosen but have no choice to go through, and being expected to go through it "gratefully" is another kick in the teeth. Maybe years down the line people reflect back on experiences and see some silver lining, but I doubt anyone does at the time, and even when you do see a "positive" there will be mixed feelings as in an ideal world it wouldn't have happened.

I had a friend like your friend when I was going through a partial molar pregnancy last year; I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and then had to be monitored for 3 and a half months to be sure I didn't need chemotherapy, which luckily I didn't. I had to stop speaking to her, because of her "see the bright side!!" attitude (erm, about losing my baby and now having the potential of chemotherapy hanging over my head?!). I wish I had said something to her at the time, but I didn't have the energy. When things had settled down, I saw her and told her how her toxic positivity had made me feel worse and almost guilty, and she apologised. She's not a horrible person, she's actually quite nice, but she has little emotional intelligence to "sit" with "negative" feelings.

I think a lot of people want to say something to make it better, but sometimes you can't. It's better to say "that's really shit and I'm sorry you are going through this".

Hope you have some more supportive friends OP.

This sounds perfect (I’d be tempted to add ‘so piss off’ at the end).

<I wouldn’t because I’m a people pleaser but I’d be tempted to>

Hope the treatment goes OK OP

I'm afraid I'd have to hugely distance myself too. I had a similar experience when I lost someone very close to me in a road accident. This friend had very strong religious beliefs and kept telling me I should forgive and love the person who killed my loved one. Erm, no, just no. They literally wouldn't listen to anything I said, even when I told them that they might feel differently if they had been bereaved.

We are no longer friends.

I hope your recovery goes well.