Friend winding me up with advice- cancer

[Francisflute]

I have a fairly recent cancer diagnosis. The prognosis is neither outright terrible nor worry-free.

I've had surgery and have radio and chemo lined up.

My AIBU is AIBU to want advice on how to head one friend off who considers herself a mine of wisdom?

She means well but is quite sheltered in some ways. She keeps saying quite annoying or upsetting things such as that i should try and learn from this, see the positives or otherwise imply that there is a good side of this.

I am not moaning to her or asking her advice. I only provide health updates when asked and mainly text about her, and other things.

She has been supportive but these last couple of days it's been quite upsetting being pushed to be positive and all this mindfulness stuff. I have never asked about her spiritual approach. She asked if I wasn't quite enjoying the time out. Well no, I'm not. It's scary, uncertain, lonely and I didn't choose it.

I'm getting on with treatment and recovery and having this diagnosis but I don't have to like it and I don't need or want a self appointed, untrained counsellor.

I'm finding it really tone deaf and upsetting as though I'm being judged and told what to do when she knows nothing about the situation first hand.

Would anyone have any advice on how to kindly head her off and stop the silly questions and forced positivity/ motivational stuff? In don't want to lose her as a friend, this is coming from a kind piece. I've tried gently saying it's not for me.

This is perfect.

Some of these short but sweet replies are good.

I'm so sorry you are going through this on top of cancer.

My DH always says "There are always people worse off" and it drives me nuts. Its like an auto reaction to a situation where he doesn't know what to say. Its a failing of that person, and I'm sorry your friend cannot think before she speaks.

I will continue to pull my DH up on it and will emphasise he needs to articulate a thoughtful reply to difficult situations.

She's taken to saying whether she has a 'good or bad feeling' about mine and other people's outcomes who have serious illnesses

I know you don't want to lose the friendship but honestly fuck that 1000%, what on earth does she think she's playing at?

If you want an actually helpful shoulder to lean on I highly recommend a visit to a Maggie's Centre.

I only told a few people, not my in-laws, siblings not my mother in a nursing home. Just a few friends who were brilliant. I couldn't have handled the 'think positive' 'if you drink roasted yaks milk' 'we will fight this together' comments. That was three years ago and I am still happy with my choice.

I think the 'I know you mean well but stop' suggestion is a good one. If she asks for a health update, you can say. 'It's going well, but I don't want to talk about it'

Can you say to her
"I need you to stop having any conversations with me about anything relating to my cancer diagnosis it is not helping me. Please go and Google toxic positivity so you know what I mean, but it's not up for discussion.
Instead, can we talk about other things, work, the USA elections, What's on in the cinema... Anything but nothing to do with that. Thank you."

Every twat in the world comes out the woodwork and offers unsolicited 'advice' constantly when you get a cancer diagnosis.

It is as annoying as f*ck.

Please reach out to online forums where you will find people to give excellent support and advice without YOU needing to manage THEIR emotions - which is what's happening here.

And if she keeps doing it, just reiterate you're taking the advice of your exceptionally well trained and qualified medical team.

I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis but I PROMISE the beginning is simply the worst part and you will get stronger, more confident and less tolerant of 'well meaning' folk

Thanks, will definitely have a think about support forums. I had my fingers burnt a bit when I went on one for my type of cancer and similar. Someone asked about life expectancy in a really insensitive way. I think it was a researcher. Not sure if the ethics of that. Some of the responses were reassuring actually but Christ, the wording of that original question knocked me for six!!

I really appreciate all the responses here. I worried I was being too sensitive as well as not being resilient or positive enough so im very glad I posted. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite stoical, try and face things with good humour as far as I can but I'm not going to turn this into some wonderful spiritual experience it isn't. My friend was on about how I should find acceptance. I bloody well have!! This is what's infuriating and patronising. Just throwing these words around so she feels she's helping.

I think I'll just stay away for a bit then if she raises anything similar again address it directly but kindly as suggested. Then I'm going to say in front want to discuss my treatment for the time being.

Have you found the Mumsnet cancer thread in the general health section? It's the most supportive place I've come across, I abandoned some of the Facebook groups, but you don't seem to get the same nuttiness here!

I think you have been INCREDIBLY restrained in dealing with her. I've had cancer three times and I wouldn't dream of assuming I understand somebody else's experience. How dare she?

And as for the insisting you see the positives? You sound like a resilient person (as am I) and while I did actually find the positives being told to by a third (totally clueless) party would have enraged me. It is as you said arrogant but worse imo while you're going through such an immensely challenging time highly dismissive.

I have a tell you should feel about everything friend. She was terrible and I'm glad we are no longer friends. It's not supportive. It's controlling. She also knew more than the consultants and me. When I was told my treatment hadn't worked in the way they hoped I was devastated. She said "are you surprised... I'm not" and beamed as if she expected praise. I wanted to slap her hard. I finally finished treatment and having gone into an abrupt menopause found myself in ongoing pain. She cheerfully told me (I should also note I was previously a regular runner unlike her) about an article she read in a magazine from a woman in menopause who ran straight through it. "Get a pair of runners on and hit the streets" she told me and changed the subject.

Honestly you don't need someone stressing you out. You need people letting you wallow when necessary but cheering you on when you're pushing forward and making you laugh when you need distraction.

I wish you all the best with your treatment by the way. I am fully out the other side and feel as good as I ever did so it does pass.

Oh OP I feel your pain. I got cornered at a party over Christmas by one of these people. I have a tumour which is luckily benign but will likely grow again and require some more treatment. I know this lady through my social circle and I was aware that she was a mindfulness practitioner so we got chatting. I was saying how much meditation and mindfulness had helped with the anxiety around my condition which is when she totally changed! Said I'd been focusing on the wrong things and I should have been concentrating on curing my tumour through the power of my mind! Turns out she believes that all illness is created by negative thoughts and that by changing our thinking we can cure ourselves.

Luckily she is not a friend so I just gave her a "yeah, whatever" with a face and scurried off!!