So hurt - 7 yr old won't talk to me

[ThePoliceOfficer]

Reposting this on AIBU because no posts on other thread :/

DD (7) won't open up to anyone. Big things or little things, she just won't speak on it. E.g. she's pushed at soft play, won't tell me but I see it, ask if she's fine and she'll either snap that she is or play dumb like wtf am I talking about.

Today, she comes out of school with a little badge on. I said cool badge who gave you get that? No-one. Did you find it? No. Did you take it from someone? No. Who put it on you? No one. Well how did it get on you're jumper (she wouldn't be able to do it)? Dunno, it's been there all day. FGS, it's not a big deal just tell me where it came from!!!!

On the way home she's inspecting and rubbing her arm, obviously hurt. I ask if she's ok, are you hurt? No I'm fine..... So why are you looking at your arm. No reason but can you carry my backpack. So I carry it and we keep walking. Halfway home I asked her again about the badge and her arm. There's nothing to tell, she's fine and still zilch about the badge. By this point I'm wound up so I put the backpack down and said if you're not hurt you can have this back. She took it and rubbed her arm the whole way home.......

I usually don't push and I'm all 'talk to me when you're ready' or 'it doesn't have to be me, you can talk to anyone you choose'. But, i'm actually really hurt that she won't speak to me. We are otherwise close but I'm reaching a point where I want to say "fine, don't bother talking to me about anything then".

It makes me worry, if god forbid, something untoward happened that she wouldn't tell anyone.

Argh, I don't get why she can't just tell us. Like the badge thing is no big deal I don't understand!!!

I can understand why you feel upset about her not talking and telling you things. If I were you I’d step back from questioning for a bit and give it a break. I have one child who shares everything and another who only shares things way after the fact and only in specific situations (eg if we are walking alone and he is in a chatty mood).

Maybe instead of questioning you could try other approaches such as talking to her about your day (eg I hurt my foot or I heard this great song etc), doing some more 1-2-1 activities where you might be able to talk while you do it or wrote a letter to her at night for her to respond to if she wants ( eg add a little quiz on it like “what do you want for dinner tomorrow? Pizza or chips- circle your answer.

How long has she been like this?

I'm just wondering how you react to things. Like getting pushed at soft play, what would your reaction be if she said "yeah that kid shoved me"?

I totally understand that you want her to be able to tell you stuff, but is it possible you make a bigger deal out of things (positive and negative) than she feels is necessary?

It does like you’re perhaps way too intense and full on for your child.

DD is 9yo but has always been a bit like this. It's not that she doesn't want to talk, but she wants to think it through herself first. She tends to open up and tackle the things that are bothering her when we're doing things like driving somewhere just me and her or working side by side in the kitchen. I think being together and quiet but not directly looking at each other makes it more comfortable for her to raise the conversation.

One of my children is like this too, very difficult for them to recount events. Other child chats away and can cope with my questioning! 😂not sure what is the reason but as time goes on, I have started to feel like I don't really know the non-conversational child is like /their likes dislikes, personality even.

My 12 year old has always been like this, she knows we are here if she wants or needs us.

Try not to worry, as others have said for some children to talk the wind just needs to be blowing in the right direction at the correct speed.

I understand why you’re hurt OP and I’d be feeling exactly the same 💐

My 6 year old is like this too. Sometimes she will give me vague answers but it I ask her about what she did at school, it's usally don't want to tell you, if I ask her what she had for lunch, nothing, what did you do with your friends nothing. What did you do to win star of the week? Can't remember. I've no idea why. She's not like this at school, very sociable, conversational etc. I also worry she won't speak to me when she's older and actually needs to discuss things. It's so hard, I have tried not asking her anything but I find that very difficult.

Can't be 100% but I guess since she's started school. Prior to that we were always together so nothing for her to tell me!

It would depend if she was hurt or not. She is very shy & timid so I encourage her to stand her ground and say "don't push me" etc but if she was hurt I'd probably tell the child myself no pushing or go to the parent.
She is that kid waiting patiently at the top of the slide for her turn whilst the rest of the kids just push in front of her over and over.

Not sure if this will help but one of mine was like this when they were younger. If I asked about what happened at school, or anything specific, the answer would always be "nothing", "noone" or "don't know"!
I can't remember where I read the advice but I made an effort to flip it around and instead of asking questions, I made it into a daily game where they chose three things to tell me. So eventually the only question I'd ask would be "What are your three things today?"
Sometimes it would be what they had for lunch, or the fact they got to watch TV 🤣 but sometimes it was the deeper stuff. I think giving them the control over what and when to tell me, really helped. Might be worth a try?

It all sounds very intense.

What happens if you just ask her about her day, or if she had a good day?

My mum was like this when I was a kid (my boundaries as an adult are very strong!) and I was like your daughter.

I felt so scrutinised.

Plus, she always had an opinion on what I should have done, could have done or what she would have done (and wished I had). It made me shut the fuck up from telling her anything.

I’d back off OP.

Having conversations about anything at all is often tricky when children first come out of school. Once they're home, have had a snack and a chance to decompress a bit, they can become much more amenable to chat, in my experience.

My kids are very different from each other too. One shares all day long and the other is like your DD. What helps us is bedtime. So in our routine i always lie in DDs bed every night for 15-30mins and we just talk randomly about our day. Its where i learn most things about her and her days. I do the same with DS. He just tells me about his favourite game. It doesnt really interest me, but its definitely a way to bond.
You can also ease into it, dont make it like an interrogation. Just start telling her about your day/life. Eventually the conversations will become more 2 sided. There are days where DD will just listen, but sometimes she wont stop babbling on.

Oh yes, definitely this too! Try asking later on, maybe at bedtime

My DD is exactly the same! Sorry no advice. It’s painful isn’t it. I thought mine was the only one. She tells me nothing.

It sounds like you are interrogating her, especially asking if she took the badge from someone. If someone was questioning me like this I wouldn’t want to answer either.

I like the idea from PP of her telling you 3 things about her day. Maybe in the meantime just ask her if she’s had a good day and if she wants to open up more she can.

I think you have to remember that she's 7 and her talking to you or not is not done to punish you. Surely you carried her backpack because her arm was sore, not as a reward because she satisfied your curiosity or made you feel like a great and caring parent? Ask open questions when you can, at times when she might be more likely to open up. Try not to react to what she says, ie a sore arm doesn't necessarily mean someone deliberately her, a badge could mean she earned it/found it/ stole it - so play down your feelings.

I don't ask mine questions straight from school because the last thing I want after a long day at work is someone asking me who I spoke to on the phone and what work I managed to get done. At bedtime I ask my children to tell me their 3 favorite or most interesting bits of the day. They normally end up banging on for ages then!

she will be tired after school. Give her time, I'm sure once she has relaxed she will talk to you over dinner or similar

for years we have done best and worst of the week every Friday. The DS's are 14 and 18 and we still do it.

Great way to find out how everyone is feeling

My mum used to keep asking me questions about school constantly. She would also keep complaining that I never tell her anything. I found it way too intense. Whenever I would tell her something that happened, she would jump in and tell me how to handle it. It reached a point where I stopped telling her anything (that hasn’t changed as an adult - but for other reasons as well).

imo - back off and stop trying to question her. She may feel like sharing things with you over time if you give her some space.

I feel exactly the same when I get in from work. I just want to sit and have a coffee for half an hour and can't abide it when DH bombarded me with questions as soon as Icons through the door.