So hurt - 7 yr old won't talk to me

[ThePoliceOfficer]

Reposting this on AIBU because no posts on other thread :/

DD (7) won't open up to anyone. Big things or little things, she just won't speak on it. E.g. she's pushed at soft play, won't tell me but I see it, ask if she's fine and she'll either snap that she is or play dumb like wtf am I talking about.

Today, she comes out of school with a little badge on. I said cool badge who gave you get that? No-one. Did you find it? No. Did you take it from someone? No. Who put it on you? No one. Well how did it get on you're jumper (she wouldn't be able to do it)? Dunno, it's been there all day. FGS, it's not a big deal just tell me where it came from!!!!

On the way home she's inspecting and rubbing her arm, obviously hurt. I ask if she's ok, are you hurt? No I'm fine..... So why are you looking at your arm. No reason but can you carry my backpack. So I carry it and we keep walking. Halfway home I asked her again about the badge and her arm. There's nothing to tell, she's fine and still zilch about the badge. By this point I'm wound up so I put the backpack down and said if you're not hurt you can have this back. She took it and rubbed her arm the whole way home.......

I usually don't push and I'm all 'talk to me when you're ready' or 'it doesn't have to be me, you can talk to anyone you choose'. But, i'm actually really hurt that she won't speak to me. We are otherwise close but I'm reaching a point where I want to say "fine, don't bother talking to me about anything then".

It makes me worry, if god forbid, something untoward happened that she wouldn't tell anyone.

Argh, I don't get why she can't just tell us. Like the badge thing is no big deal I don't understand!!!

I think she might have a little admirer!

Another one who had constant scrutiny as a kid. I couldn't stand it and just didn't tell my parents anything. Don't do it, let her be.

Have you tried making comments or asking indirect questions. Like instead of saying 'what happened to your arm' you say 'that looks sore' and just leave it there? Or would she just say 'no it's not' or not respond?

My middle child was like this. It was like getting blood out of a stone to tell me ANYTHING that happened during his day. And I was so desperate to know that I think it annoyed him and he doubled down on not telling me.

I decided to not ask him anything until dinner time when everyone had to share 2 things about their day…one good thing and one bad thing. This usually sparked a lot more conversation with everyone & we would actually find out more about his day than by quizzing him.

is it that she can’t talk about these things or chooses not to talk about these things. The latter would seem more controlling, while the former is more about developing the skill set to express her emotions, experiences and thoughts. The best thing you can do is role model chatting about your own personal emotions, personal experiences and personal thoughts. Also look at different means of expression, does she find it easier to write experiences down, act them out with her dolls/puppets or made up sign language or picture's? You could also gather some emotions symbols and ask her which one she feels?

https://www.calm.com/blog/the-feelings-wheel

maybe this?

https://mentallyhealthyschools.org.uk/resources/emotion-wheel-for-children/

or this

My autistic DD is like this. She becomes non verbal when very stressful things happen and cannot talk.

I have learned about incidents of other children pushing her via her acting it out with toys.

Role modelling with creating your own pictures about your own day , your own plays with the dolls, identify your own feelings on the emotions wheel (I felt tired and sleepy today because …). Talk about your own positive and negative emotions and things. It’s fine to say you felt cross because … Don’t pressure her to take a turn. Expect it to take a long time to catch on.

With the arm thing you could talk about a time your arm or leg was hurt

Lastly one thing that helped my teen learn expression skills was talking therapy. Gave him the tool kit to resolve things.

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Sounds like she feels interrogated

Just stop asking her all these questions

I was like this. Still am really as a grown adult I didn't tell my mum I lost a baby or lost a job and weird shit like that. Even when I was young it was pride and not wanting to worry them. Same as I didn't confide in my friends when I had breakups etc I would just not answer the phone until I was ok then would act like I hadn't been that upset .

My sister is 40 and is just like this - she never tells anyone anything. Even when she has big life events going on that are of high importance she does not discuss it at all. She keeps everything to herself.

I just think she’s a very, very private person.

Thanks everyone. I will try some of the suggestions here and also back off a bit

Well done - I know it’s hard.
I put a lot of pressure on one of mine like this and I was infuriated that she wouldn’t speak to me. I felt hugely rejected. One time I found out from another parent she’d won a (minor) thing - person of the week. It took a while but I learned to meet her where she was - I made ZERO demands on her after school and simply chatted, I had no expectations and our conversations were deliberately neutral. It really helped us both as she trusted me not to go off at her and the pressure had vanished.

What I have found works best with my children is that when I put them to bed I lie with them for half an hour and chat about their day. Whether it’s the calming environment, dark and no distractions, or just being cuddled up to me, they talk about their day like there’s no tomorrow.

If I try and speak to them about their day after school or during the evening it’s like they can’t be bothered to talk, but come out one-to-one bedtime it’s a whole other story.

It makes bedtime longer but it’s my favourite time of the day as I find it really enforces my connection to them.

Ds still like this, finds questions right after school too much. If I ask anything good happen at school as soon as he gets home he will say no. Give him an hour or so and then he might of his own accord tell us about his day, maybe over a meal, while I am pottering about on in the car. You just have to step back and create other spaces where they feel comfortable to talk to you.

@ThePoliceOfficer You sound like you care, but just to give a different perspective:

Not all of us want to talk about our day, our feelings, what happened etc etc.

I never did and it took me years of "training" my mother to get her to stop asking. I loved her, I trusted her, I had no issues at all with her, I just saw it as my life (yes, even from age 5/6), and didn't want the questioning or interference unless it was asked for. I still have to do the same with new partners these days - I'm just not interested in rehashing my day to day, and especially not in response to questioning - I would much rather talk about other topics...

I was quietly and happily getting on with my own life in my own way and felt it as a massive imposition in my autonomy, independence and inner world to be constantly questioned. The questioning stopped me even sharing things I would have chosen to if she had managed to stop asking and prying so much (as an adult, I understand she was interested & caring, not prying, but that's how it felt at the time).

Even though she's young, she's her own person with her own mind and personality, and she'll have her own ways of doing things. While some of these might not be how you'd approach them, unless it's doing her (or others) significant harm, then sometimes the best approach is just to leave her to it, knowing you're there for support if she wants it.

For me, it got much better from mid teens when the relationship became more equal and friend-like.

I read from some of the posters on this thread that they are interpreting their children's refusal to engage in the ways the parent wants as somehow being a slight on the parent.

Somehow this seems to me to position children as "lesser" - we mostly don't expect other adults to behave and react exactly as we want them to (& when we do, we appreciate it causes problems), and accept that people are different & have different opinions and approaches.

Children are physically smaller, have less life experience and often less able to make good judgements, but they are equal humans, and I do feel that in respecting their autonomy as much as possible (age appropriately), we'd be giving them the best basis from which to build towards their own adult lives and responsibilities...

Beautifully expressed @WrylyAmused