50/50 Custody Arrangements

[Nimbus1999]

Stbxh wants 50/50 on a 7 days on / 7 days off basis with no/little contact in between.

I want a split week so M&T one parent, W&T other parent & EOW swap. Kids are happy with the split week but have never done 7/7. Have stuff in both houses so no belongings being taken back and forth.

We live 5 mins from each other and school.

Kids in primary, youngest 6.

YABU - 7 days in a row is fine.
YANBU - More regular contact is a good option.

Help!

Depending how amicable you and ex are, could you trial alternate weeks and see how the kids feel after say six weeks?

Alternatively could you do alternate weeks but with a tea time with the other parent every Wednesday?

Are you fairly friendly with STBXH?

I think 1 week st mums, 1 week at dads is nice (on paper) as kids know where they are/can still have playdates etc. And there are less likely to be issues with forgetting homework/PE kit etc at other parents house.

Also like the idea of tea at the other parents once/twice a week but obviously depends on how friendly you are and if that would upset the children more?

I think I would prefer 4 days one week, then 3 the next week, to see how that goes first before committing to anything longer. What is ex’s reasoning to having them 7 days on/off, also both of your working days need to be considered.

7 days is a long time for a 6 year old.

If I was ever lucky enough to have 50/50 with my ex I would prefer a week on week off

I would prefer your suggestion, still gives 5 days in a row with one parent either Wed to Sun or Fri to Tues and then surely you can plan the week better, e.g. if you want to take them to a class on a certain day or adjust your hours to work longer on the days you don't have them and shorter when you do etc

Why no/little contact? That’s just ridiculous.

My split was EOW, but ds spoke to his dad on the phone everyday, sometimes multiple little calls, sent him emails. Why would you ever restrict contact with the other parent? (Barring abusive situations).

My ex wants 50/50, he's now come round to liking the 2/2/5/5 idea. Short story is, when any agreement has been considered we have put in to the agreement facetimes. We have also agreed if the kids want to call the other parent at any other point then we will facilitate. A week for a 6 year old is a ridiculously long time.

All research suggests they 50/50 is brutal for the kids. The younger it is, the most difficult it is. Do some research and know the realities of this. Could you live well if you had to move homes every 7 days?

That’s all good and well saying that but there is little choice? It’s not a decision I have made and it’s not something that I would want. Courts prefer 50/50 these days to give both parents equal time.

We are not amicable at all and are pretty much no contact.

We do week on week off but mum gets every Tuesday and dad gets every . Thursday. Allows each parent to take her to a hobby of their choosing. It's also earlier to work out which days we have her and which weeks we don't.

Can you post your sources please?

My DSD has done 50:50 since she was 2 and is very happy.

As it's hostile fewer transitions between homes may actually be easier on the DC?

I would push hard though for either after school and tea or possibly one overnight with the other parent mid week?? They will definitely need FaceTime contact in between.

They won't need facetime contact in between. It's actually better for them to have no contact with other parent as it allows them to settle better into the parents home they're at that week.

We don't do facetime between houses. My DH ex is high conflict and would definitely use it as a opportunity to cause issues, interfere in things etc. so it's just easier not to do it at all. When they are old enough to have their own phones then they can do what they like.

Often parents want constant contact for themselves, because they miss their kiddo but you have to put your feelings aside and do what's best for the child not yourself.

UK courts do not favour 50/50. They favour continuity so if parents have chosen implemented 50/50 it’s unlikely a court will stop it.

peer reviewed articles 👇🏼

Kelly, J.B. (1993). Current research on children’s post-divorce adjustment––no simple answers, Family Court Review. Vol 31(1):29-49.

Mahrer, N.E. et. al (2018). Does shared parenting help or hurt children in high conflict divorced families? J Divorce Remarriage. 59(4): 324-347.

Martin, H.B. & Adams, C.B.L. (2018). Living on Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships. ABC-Clio, Santa Barbara, CA.

Nielsen, L. (2014). Shared physical custody: Summary of 40 studies on outcomes for children, J of Divorce & Remarriage, 55(8):613-635.

Pires, M. & Martins, M. (2021). Parenting styles, coparenting, and early child adjustment in separated families with child physical custody processes ongoing in family court, Children, 8(8): 629.

Pruett, M.K. & Barker, R. (2009). Children of divorce: New trends and ongoing dilemmas. In J. H. Bray & M. Stanton (Eds), The Wiley-Blackwell Handbook of Family Psychology, pp. 463-474.

Wallerstein, J.S. et.al (1996). Surviving the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope with Divorce, Basic Books.

My sc do week on/week off. I don’t think it’s that great as a set up for anyone to be honest.

My exh and I split within the week itself, 4 nights with me, 3 nights with him.

i prefer the sound of your idea as a full 7 days sounds a long time and you also can plan easier on your set weekdays for both children things and your own things

During court judge said blocks of contact are better but 7 days was never suggested... Way too long apart from the current main carer.. And tbh I would worry they would have chance to get' too cosy 'in each week making swapping more difficult to adjust to. After week end with exh dc needed a few hours to acclimatise to the rules /boundaries with me. Can't imagine them being there a week and coming back...

@Scaffoldingisugly we’re the house with boundaries and expectations in my sc’s set up. I can confirm 7 on/7 off comes with some very real challenges regarding behaviour.

Is this so he doesn't have to pay maintenance?

I also think 50/50 can be hard on kids. I agree with an earlier poster, the courts try to keep the status quo.

There is an interesting article online about the benefits of a main address for dc...

We do 50 50 and too many change overs a week is a pain as they move things from house to house. We do half the week each but week on week off is an option as they get older

My two wouldn’t like not seeing either parent for a week at a time. We do 50/50 two days/3 days during the week and every other weekend, my kids are a bit older but definitely don’t want a week on/week off - they both miss their dad (and me when they’re with him) and are in a regular routine now. In saying that my ex and I are very amicable so tend to flex things to suit the kids, if you’re not amicable it’s much harder.

I'm in the same situation, court says 50/50 , I'd like it to be 2/2/5/5 , high conflict and control ex husband asked to trial 7/7 then refused to trial anything else as it worked for him. His reasoning was he wanted time to get DC into his house rules & routine and he wanted to have sight/input in every aspect of DC life.
He works full-time with breakfast club and after-school club his weeks, I'm PT and 2/2/5/5eans I could pick up every Mon Tue Fri rather than every other week.
Two months of weekly mediation for him to eventually admit he'll never agree to what I want because I'm the one suggesting it, if he feels it's got value in the future he'll allow it.

Going back to court isn't an option either as I was told they are unlikely to prescribe how to do 50/50.

The mediator even said it's just a control issue.

YANBU. 7 days with little/no contact is a terrible idea, especially when you’re not on good terms with their father. He’s clearly a vindictive twat if he’s specifically requesting little to no contact in that time too - how is that in the children’s best interests?! Awful. Your way is much kinder to the kids. 6 is very young to be away from your mum for a whole week on a regular basis.