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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go back

50 replies

Amioko · 08/03/2024 14:13

So, DH and I have been having a trial separation. I was so fed up of him doing what he pleased and it built up so much resentment on my part. It got to a point where I was doing everything (including DIY jobs in the house) because he was just so lazy. He works quite late (8pm), Plays sport numerous times per week and religiously meets up with the lads on a Thursday. He also goes to matches/sporting events on the weekend if he isn't going to something else. I do not love him anymore, this is really painful for me to say as we have been together since we were 18 and always thought we would be together forever. Its coming to a point where I could do with making a final decision, however, not much has changed and do not feel like he has tried particularly hard to win me back, I am not perfect, I know that there are probably some things that I need to change, such as moaning. It isn't fair on him if I dont love him is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Amioko · 08/03/2024 14:14

Meant to add that we have 2 children ages 2 and 5. They have not been affected by this at all as if anything they see him more than they ever have and they do not ask to see him.

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RandomMess · 08/03/2024 14:17

It sounds like it's over.

Has he been having the DC properly for extended time as if you were divorced?

GalileoHumpkins · 08/03/2024 14:18

If you don't love him, hardly ever see him due to his other activities then don't get back together. What's the point of that kind of relationship?

WhatWouldHopperDo · 08/03/2024 14:19

I think if the love and respect is truly lost it’s hard to see it working.

Do you feel marriage counselling would be at all helpful? Do you truly think he might change?

If not, ending it would be best in the long run. It’s hard to accept, as you say when you thought you’d be together forever. But you also deserve to be happy and loved and treated as a partner and have a partner who is invested in you/family life.

Mummabear241 · 08/03/2024 14:20

@Amioko how do you feel since you have been on a trail separation? What are the pros and cons?

Original poster
Amioko · 08/03/2024 14:21

I am devastated even though I dont love him. I dont know anything else as we have been together for such a long time. I care for him, like I do my brother I suppose, the thought of being intimate with him makes me shudder, but I do like spending time with him when we are just chatting.

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Sparklfairy · 08/03/2024 14:21

not much has changed and do not feel like he has tried particularly hard to win me back

This is all you need to think about when making your decision. He hasn't and will not change. If you go back, then you go back to exactly how things were.

Rickrolypoly · 08/03/2024 14:23

If you dont love him then I think that the answer is pretty clear no?

I'm guessing he feels that same way or would have made more of an effort to try to change things.

Original poster
Amioko · 08/03/2024 14:23

Understandably though he wants affection and I cannot give to him, I am just not at the same place he is.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 08/03/2024 14:24

Amioko · 08/03/2024 14:21

I am devastated even though I dont love him. I dont know anything else as we have been together for such a long time. I care for him, like I do my brother I suppose, the thought of being intimate with him makes me shudder, but I do like spending time with him when we are just chatting.

Sounds like you could be excellent friendly co-parents. You like to chat and want to be amicable. You don't love or fancy him. Make sure to arrange proper time for him with the kids and money and wave bye bye.

Original poster
Amioko · 08/03/2024 14:24

Rickrolypoly · 08/03/2024 14:23

If you dont love him then I think that the answer is pretty clear no?

I'm guessing he feels that same way or would have made more of an effort to try to change things.

Well, my thoughts exactly, he says he does love me, I honestly dont see it.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 08/03/2024 14:28

He'd love to come home to housework, sex and looked-after children while living a single carefree life. I'm sure that fills him with love.

Rickrolypoly · 08/03/2024 14:30

Amioko · 08/03/2024 14:24

Well, my thoughts exactly, he says he does love me, I honestly dont see it.

Show quote history

Love is more than words though. Anyone can say they love you. But if someone truly loves you then you will feel it from their actions and by how they treat you and prioritise you in their lives.
Someone who loves you wouldn't sit on their ass doing nothing while you are breaking your back trying to hold it all together.

Crumpleton · 08/03/2024 14:37

IMO if you've had a trial separation and he hasn't changed any of his behaviour going back will make him think you're ok with it and ready to accept the way he is.

If you're certain it's what you want to do don't go back co parent for the DC's sake.

You say you're not perfect but is the nagging due to your DH behaviour?
Maybe if you stick to your guns he'll realise that you're serious and how much he's lost.

It's not as though you can't stand the sight of him, hopefully if he does see the light you could start rebuilding a future together, but don't do it now with him as he is just to continue bobing along in life, the resentment will grow until you do eventually dislike him.

Original poster
Amioko · 08/03/2024 14:38

Crumpleton · 08/03/2024 14:37

IMO if you've had a trial separation and he hasn't changed any of his behaviour going back will make him think you're ok with it and ready to accept the way he is.

If you're certain it's what you want to do don't go back co parent for the DC's sake.

You say you're not perfect but is the nagging due to your DH behaviour?
Maybe if you stick to your guns he'll realise that you're serious and how much he's lost.

It's not as though you can't stand the sight of him, hopefully if he does see the light you could start rebuilding a future together, but don't do it now with him as he is just to continue bobing along in life, the resentment will grow until you do eventually dislike him.

I think you're totally right

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Original poster
Amioko · 08/03/2024 14:40

He messaged me this morning saying that he misses me being in his bed, I dont.

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Crumpleton · 08/03/2024 14:42

Amioko · 08/03/2024 14:40

He messaged me this morning saying that he misses me being in his bed, I dont.

That's probably just his way of trying to say the right thing, but really it's so far off the mark.

Rickrolypoly · 08/03/2024 14:43

Amioko · 08/03/2024 14:40

He messaged me this morning saying that he misses me being in his bed, I dont.

Probably because he knows you'd be the one making the bed if you were there!

pootlin · 08/03/2024 14:45

He doesn't love you, he wants to present the image of a happily married family man to the world and you and th kids are his vehicle for this. If he loved you would have got his arse in gear and made changes.

Please don't go back to him and let him portray an idealised image of himself to the world at your expense.

DrunkenElephant · 08/03/2024 14:54

None of us can say whether he loves you or not - he could love you to the best of his ability, or his maximum capacity to love someone and it still not be enough for you, and that’s ok. You don’t have to feel guilty about that.

The key thing here is that you don’t love him. Nothing else really matters and it’s best that you are honest and focus on coparenting.

I felt the same when separating with my ex and a friend asked me how I would feel if he met someone new. That told me everything I needed to know.

Createausername1970 · 08/03/2024 14:56

Amioko · 08/03/2024 14:40

He messaged me this morning saying that he misses me being in his bed, I dont.

Assuming your trial separation came after many conversations about the amount of time he was absent, then my reply to that message would be "and I missed you when you were always out, but you wouldn't change. It's too late now"

I am sorry you are going through this💐

SheerLucks · 08/03/2024 15:01

pootlin · 08/03/2024 14:45

He doesn't love you, he wants to present the image of a happily married family man to the world and you and th kids are his vehicle for this. If he loved you would have got his arse in gear and made changes.

Please don't go back to him and let him portray an idealised image of himself to the world at your expense.

This!

I'm afraid that might be the overwhelming reason you've lasted as long as you have.

ShadowyAlpaca · 08/03/2024 15:13

If you allow him back be prepared that nothing will change and he'll carry on living the single life with the benefits of a relationship and family.

I was in a similar situation years ago and I let him back, one of my biggest regrets. He promised we'd be a family, parent equally, I could work etc.

All lies just to get his comfortable life back. Nothing changed. He still did his own thing and lived his own life, with me facilitating it. I also couldn't ask him to leave a second time as it would be too upsetting for the DC, he'd rage and shout to get his own way so that nothing could change. I gave up and will always regret it.

Right now, it's tough being a single parent, you're at the most difficult part of things, getting your possible new life started. But things settle, please think carefully whether you really want to get back with him, for your sake.

Original poster
Amioko · 08/03/2024 15:36

See, a few weeks ago he told me he had his eye on somebody at work and they had been messaging etc. I was devastated, does that mean I still love him? I don't feel that way now I dont think it would bother me, maybe make me feel a bit uncomfortable as we have been together 16 years.

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Original poster
Amioko · 08/03/2024 15:37

The whole thing was a lie by the way.

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