To not go back

[Amioko]

So, DH and I have been having a trial separation. I was so fed up of him doing what he pleased and it built up so much resentment on my part. It got to a point where I was doing everything (including DIY jobs in the house) because he was just so lazy. He works quite late (8pm), Plays sport numerous times per week and religiously meets up with the lads on a Thursday. He also goes to matches/sporting events on the weekend if he isn't going to something else. I do not love him anymore, this is really painful for me to say as we have been together since we were 18 and always thought we would be together forever. Its coming to a point where I could do with making a final decision, however, not much has changed and do not feel like he has tried particularly hard to win me back, I am not perfect, I know that there are probably some things that I need to change, such as moaning. It isn't fair on him if I dont love him is it?

It seems like if you had a choice you wouldn't continue with this relationship. The only thing making you consider getting back together is pressure from him.

Maybe counselling to make moving on easier, for him especially, and for you to feel stronger in holding firm?

I'm assuming you're around 34 now..

Seems rather a strange thing for him to say especially if it was a lie.

He probably does love having a wife, since you do everything for him and he can live exactly the life he wants without being inconvenienced in any way.

he misses me being in his bed

This sums it up really. He has everything he wants apart from sex. He can't even say he misses spending time with you, that he wants to work on things, that he will make an effort. He sounds like a completely worthless partner. In which case:

It isn't fair on him

Who gives a fuck? He doesn't care and isn't going to change, so do what's fair on you.

Some men just aren't cut out for marriage and children. I really think that society needs to start talking about this. So many men have families and then neglect them with their laziness and selfishness.

To be clear - if you want to spend majority of your non working time either playing sport, watching sport, painting little statues or dressing up and pretending to do battle in a field near Sheffield - then ffs don't have children!

No, it doesn’t mean you love him.

It means you are still enmeshed with him. The sooner you have a clean break the sooner you will be free. Then you won’t care who he dates, whether it’s true or manipulation by him.

When he told me about this, we had a few nights of passion as I genuinely thought I still had feelings for him. As time has gone on, I really don't, just don't want him to be with anybody else yet which is quite selfish.

Those feelings will go away, but not if you're half in, half out. You need to make a clean break. It's painful at the start but it's the only way to move on properly.

Its just so daunting, starting again at 34, what happened to true love, does it exist, or have I just not found it?

I am so angry with myself for choosing the wrong father for my children, I always thought he would be a great dad. We had such a good relationship before children came along.

He wants affection but he’s doing nothing to earn it. He really shouldn’t be surprised that you don’t love him any more. He’s living as a single man - working late and spending all his free time on sport or with his mates. Does he expect you to sit home alone waiting for him to throw you the crumbs of his time and attention? Does he think you should be satisfied with that? Would he be happy if you were the one doing that?

So all last week he bought me random bottles of wine, did a bit of a food shop for me and he said he didn't even get a cuddle. Am I being harsh? I am honestly not at that point yet. I told him frequent activities and nights out need to stop and he said he will not do any of them if it means I will love him again. We have been split for 3 months, why the past week has he come to me with this?

He also said he bought me flowers etc for Mother's day, I said thank you they are lovely, think he wanted a cuddle and a kiss as he said I didnt say thank you,

I wonder if he had someone else lined up/hoped to have one lined up and it hasn't worked out...

I think he thought you'd have begged him to come back by now. His lie about having his eye on someone was pure manipulation.

He's wanting everything his own way isn't he. Busy work and social life that he enjoys. Then you at home providing sex, domestic servitude, physical acts of thanks instead of a simple verbal thanks, you doing the majority of the childcare etc.

You said you're early thirties and would be starting again like it's super late in life. You could live to be 100!!

It sounds like the kids see more of him with you both living apart too?

Rip off the plaster op and make it officially. It is scary yes but so is continuing to live unhappily or in limbo.

He told me he would give all that up if it would make me love him, he also said if I end it it would kill me to not see the kids for a half a week so I need to make my choice. Im pissed off with myself that I dont love him, I really wish I still did.

It sounds really manipulative on his part. He’s trying to buy your affection - which to him seems to mean physical contact (cuddles, missing you on his bed). He’s then kind of borderline threatening you about not seeing the children. He lied about being interested in someone else. These are not the actions of someone who loves you, cares about your wellbeing or sincerely wants to change.

He’s not actually doing the things that really matter to you. You’ve told him what those are. Either he actually changes and starts spending more time at home . AND keeps that up properly for several months. Or this isn’t sincere and given your loss of affection for him you would both be better moving on. You’re only 34. You have two great kids. You’ve got a whole lifetime of better things ahead of you

He wont be doing it because he wants to though, that's the issue, he is going to sacrifice his own happiness to give me what I want. That will never work

That’s a really mature way of looking at it @Amioko . You’re right neither of you should be sacrificing your happiness for the other.

So he's also subtly threatening he will go for 50/50 contact??

First off I highly doubt he'd actually do that in practice. 🙄 Secondly what a shitty thing to dangle.

IF you split what sort of contact would you ideally want him to have? What have you been doing during the separation?

It sounds like if you stayed together neither of you would be truly happy. I think you're starting to accept that but he is still in the bargaining stage.

He couldn't do it. He works until 8pm most nights and my son needs picking up from Nursery at 17:30, DD 1800 from after school club. I have had to pick them up last minute numerous times due to traffic.

So currently, they have been staying over Sunday night, he takes them to school/nursery and the rest is down to me.

I keep thinking if I loved him we could maybe work this out. It is all my fault that I don't, I honestly wish I did.

He's going to have to find and pay for different childcare on his days with the DC.

Splitting is going to be tricky and costly but it is doable.

His absence and abdicating from family life has the consequence that you don't live him anymore. He needs to be told that and accept responsibility for his actions.

He sounds like a bachelor that happens to have a family. I have a few friends married to those and it never ever ends well for the woman, or to be frank the children. I think you are better off building a stable home as a single parent with your 2 dc.

Wanted to add - I don't think the issue is if you love him or not. He's not being a husband/father. Love almost doesn't come into it.