To not enjoy sex with viagra?

[namechangedfornowbob]

I am posting in this section for traffic as I would really welcome your thoughts on my situation.
My DH of 12 years uses Viagra . Not every time but certainly when ever it is planned rather than spontaneous . The medicine makes him very erected and even after the deed is done , he will remain in this state due to the increased blood flow. This makes me uncomfortable both physically and emotionally.

We generally don't have a lot of action in the bedroom or out of the bedroom. We are raising young children but tbh it was never great even pre-kids including the need for the medicine . He has had investigations and there is no disease or age related reasons for his situation.

This is not something that he has ever discussed with me or that I feel comfortable talking to him about as we don't really talk about much (because he says talking about things makes him angry , ruins his day and upsets him for a long time ).

I just grin and bear it sporadically as I know he can't really help it and it's part of the package being a relationship.

I am not really sure what I hope to achieve with this post .
I know the options are leave him, talk about it to atleast reduce the emotional burden of keeping it all in or initiate sex more myself so that atleast it happens on my terms and doesn't involve medicine . As it is we can easily go many weeks or months without anything. When it gets like this he also tends to sleep in the guest bedroom .

Anyone else in the same situation ? What has worked for you ?

Why does it make you uncomfortable physically and emotionally?

He obviously has issues that he feels really insecure about which us why he is struggling to talk about it. But the key to a happy marriage is communication and being able to open up to one another.

I found it lasted so long I was uncomfortable and frankly bored.
Thankfully not with him anymore.

You sound like you have bigger problems here. You need marriage counselling or to separate, there's clearly not much love or lust here.

It feels like being jabbed with a metal rod as it is so unnaturally hard .

Emotionally it feels quite unsatisfying as it feels like he didn't finish as he is still erect . Which makes me feel like I suffered for nothing.

The not wanting to talk is not just about intimacy it is with everything, bills , family , friends etc

He gets wound up so quick about anything and everything.

What I have found is there becomes an expectation of sex. Like, oh, I've taken my pill. And I'm meant to be like, awesome, lets do it then. Not very romantic or spontaneous. The sex itself is fine, not much different to before it was required. I think you need to talk to him about your feelings, he seems like he may be unwilling to listen. If that is the case, then think hard (no pun intended!) about if you want to stay with him.

I would discuss it with him. There are other ED drugs on the market, it might be one of the others would be more suited to your relationship. Cialis is the other commonly used ED medication.

If you remove sex how is your general physical relationship? Due to my depression/bipolar and having a 3 yo who doesn't sleep well gone through droughts on and off over the last 15+ years and the cuddles, hugs, kisses and general physical contact get us through. It's when that stuff goes as well that it's harder and then it takes some time to get on the same page wrt sex

"This is not something that he has ever discussed with me or that I feel comfortable talking to him about as we don't really talk about much"

I mean, it's not feeling like a particularly harmonious relationship more generally OP.

How are things outside of this specific issue? If its one negative aspect in an otherwise fantastic relationship the advice is probably different to that where all aspects are a bit crummy.

Has he tried only taking half a tablet? You can buy pill cutters for about £3 on eBay. My DP went through a phase where he needed help. A whole pill was too much (for me!) but half or even quarter worked just fine.

Which makes me feel like I suffered for nothing.

This is wrong on so many levels. You shouldn't be "suffering" in any way! And you shouldn't accept that the suffering was ok if he managed to finish so at least there was a point to it. The point is, EVERYTHING about this is so wrong.

I dont think your issues are about viagra at all, this marriage doesn't sound healthy at all.

The Viagra is not the issue here. The issue here is that your relationship seems to be devoid of love and affection. You feel like sex is 'suffering for nothing' because he doesn't lose his erection after he comes and that sex with him is like being 'jabbed with a metal rod'. He is constantly angry and bad-tempered and mostly sleeps in the spare room. You have never had a fulfilling sex life and you don't really seem to like each other that much.

You basically want him to stop using Viagra because you want sex to be over quickly so you don't have to 'suffer' his attentions, and you are scared of his temper and bad moods. Seriously, the Viagra is the least of your problems and you need to end this relationship.

Your whole relationship sounds as if it's non existent really, sex sounds the least if your problems. Relationships are all about basic communication

Regards the Viagra. I know what you mean, an ex of mine took it for a while and agree it was very hard so made the actual sex uncomfortable - also due to increased blood flow it also made him very hot in the face and sweaty so basically a huge turn off for me.

However from some of your comments it sounds like the Viagra is the least of your problems. (sorry)

Your comments Which makes me feel like I suffered for nothing" jumped out to me. Sounds like your having sex with him more out of obligation than desire. Also Sounds like he is putting his wants ahead of yours in relation to sex?

we don't really talk about much (because he says talking about things makes him angry , ruins his day and upsets him for a long time ).
This is bordering on Gas-lighting territory perhaps??

However uncomfortable it might be - you need to start discussing this with him. If you remain quiet and just continue to "put up with it" believe me you will build up a huge amount of resentment.
I know it's hard - I've been there - but you have to ask yourself why are you staying with a man who you can't talk about anything with without fear of bad moods - silent treatment or anything else?!

because he says talking about things makes him angry , ruins his day and upsets him for a long time ).

OP this is out and out control. It means you shut up and put up. He's not interested in your feelings. He could do something about his reactions but he doesn't want to because they serve his purpose very well to keep you in your place.

The Viagra is the least of your worries. Why should you never be heard? Are you really happy in this relationship? And do you want this to be the pattern for the rest of your life?

There isn't enough intimacy and foreplay. Howblong does he spend on you before going to penetration?

The bible teaches us that love is not quick to anger

If there mere mention of everyday topics within a relationship like finances, family & intimate relationships results in a sharp reaction with anger

Then that is a glaring problem that must be addressed or it will continue to have a negative impact on your connection as a couple

@BobbyBiscuits yes it very much feels like an expectation like "okay I am dosed up and ready "

It baffles me how someone can feel so entitled after not speaking to me for days on end .

Having said that he will do other nice things like make me a cup of tea , breakfast or dinner.
He is very respectful and despite his anger issues will never resort to name calling , swearing or any such inappropriate behaviour.
He is respectful to our friends and family and welcomes them into our home.
He contributes to the house hold finances , although he doesn't make much money .
He helps with the kids , I say helps as I still the vast majority of their care . But in my absence he will do school picks ups , drop off, cook them a meal etc

Although these things do not make up for love , affection, passion or intimacy . I am listing them to show that he does add plenty to our family life .

Which makes me feel like I suffered for nothing

This is really so heartbreaking to read. Sex shouldn't have anything to do with suffering. I agree with another poster who said that this is just a symptom of a larger issue in your relationship, and I honestly feel that if you can't talk about sex well, the chances of being able to do it well are pretty slim.

This is not a fault with you. If he get wound up and is unable to talk about anything, bills, family, friends without becoming quickly angry and upset then there is just no loving shared trusting basis on which to be having enjoyable sex. It sounds like he's using you as a periodical release, rather than it being a relationship you both share in, and that's going to feel really awful for you.

The fact that his hard penis feels like it's jabbing you, almost like an attack is so telling of your frame of mind around this. Please don't go on like this, please don't feel you have to keep laying back and taking it as your duty, you're not a service receptacle. Insist that you see a couples therapist and he learns how to communicate with you without anger if you feel things can improve, you do not have to live like this.

I read a fascinating article about this once, saying that research should be done into the impact of viagra and women, and how often they can feel like they have to submit to sex once the pill has been taken, and does that amount to coercion?

I feel for you OP.

The Viagra isn't the real problem here. Even if he didn't need to use it it sounds like there would still be multiple issues with the marriage. A general lack of intimacy, his short temper, being unable to discuss issues.

In the interest of honesty and transparency, he does do his best to be give me a massage , ensures I have finished first etc .
I tend to be on the receiving end so I don't want people to think he is the sole beneficiary.

I am not particularly bothered , for want of a better word.

I am exhausted most of the time with a demanding job , young unwell child , financial worries etc .

I would much rather prefer a proper chat to talk about life . A planning session on our long term plans rather feeling I am constantly muddling through and having to think of solutions on my own .

I wouldn't even mind if it was the the sort of passionate sex that you loose yourself in and acts as stress relief but this just feels like another task .

Although these things do not make up for love , affection, passion or intimacy .

You need to talk about how to get these things back into your relationship. You need these things to get through the low points in life. It feeds the soul.

Unfortunately those things were never there tbh . More fool me for thinking it would grow .

Bad sex and no conversation is not part of the package being in a relationship. It's the very opposite of that. You should have great sex and lots to talk about. He can't just dictate that you can't talk about anything that matters, prod you with his spear and then expect you to stay. You're not a cave woman, we have evolved. What on earth could anyone get out of a relationship like this?

In my experience, a careful and gentle conversation about this will make your relationship more difficult in the short term, especially if he is defensive, but if you can work through it together it will be better on the other side. I don't think you can really have sexual intimacy without emotional intimacy, but I'm quite old-fashioned in that respect.

In what way is this relationship fulfilling you as a whole?
You talk about practicalities but in life we need more than this and if your emotional and affection needs are being met by this relationship where are they being met?