To need constant reassurance after being cheated on? Unreasonable?

[ThisRoseCat]

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. Not sure to post in AIBU or Relationships.....

My BF and I have been together for 4 years. BF previously cheated on me while travelling for work. He travels for work often, which makes any relationship difficult but I have big trust issues now. Somedays they are worse than others and he is currently on a trip that I find hard.

I now need consistent reassurance it won't happen again. When we are together all is generally good, we did a lot of work in therapy to repair us and he agreed that he would be able to reassure me going forward. It was an agreement he made for us staying together and me trying to regain the trust.

My confidence was shattered and I can feel him thinking I am being unfair looking for reassurance as each trip goes by. I sometimes get upset on the phone when he is away as I'm reliving what happened and it can feel like pulling teeth when I ask for kind words that it won't happen again. Somedays I think 'it's pretty fucked up that I even need to do this' and want to give up.

If you’ve had the cheating experience, gone to therapy, and he still doesn’t understand that you need reassurance when he’s away, do you really feel heard and supported in this relationship?
I would like to think I’m wrong, but from the way you’ve just described the situation, the short version is: LTB

Gosh, you're not married and presumably don't have kids.
I'd be outta there!

Seriously though, you can't live your life like this. It's not healthy, for you or for him (though I'm on your side!). And all the reassurance is pointless, as it's only words. Anyone can cheat again.

Please don't spend your life like a needy child, full of worry and him being resentful for having to comfort you. You're better than that.

Double post. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5023169-to-want-to-be-reassured-often-that-cheating-wont-happen-again

A boyfriend of 4 years that has cheated, personally I would walk
away and find someone that treats you better.

Yep, time to walk away, life's too short, you can do so much better.

I have limited sympathy I'm afraid. You’ve chosen to stay with someone who cheated on you. You will never trust him again. And yet you want to keep him as your whipping post to make yourself feel better. Do yourself a favour and end this relationship.

DO NOT WASTE YOUR FERTILITY ON THIS MAN.

You've only been together for four years, and he's already screwed other women? For pity's sake, raise your bar. Better to be alone with your dignity and pride intact, than humiliate yourself by putting up with a cheat who can't keep it in his trousers.

When did he cheat. Did he tell you he cheated or did you find out? How long has it been since a) he cheated and b) the therapy? All relevant factors.

Apologies for the double post. It was my first time posting. I can ask for this one to be removed? xx

This happened last May. Took a break over the summer and went to couple counselling from September onwards. I'm in my own counselling now too. This is the longest he's been away since.

Rather than asking him for constant reassurance, you need to end the relationship. He cheated on you, and that will never stop making you anxious and unhappy, no matter how much 'reassurance' he provides.

By being the one to provide the 'reassurance' he still holds all the power in the relationship. Honestly, walk away. You can do a lot better than this.

Dump him.

You can't live like this. It doesn't sound like you trust him so what's the point.