Mother records conversations without us knowing

[RingInTheNew]

The last couple of times that my mother has come to stay with us, I have caught her using her phone to record things going on in our house. The first was when our DD was having a strop about something and being generally grumpy, and the second was when my husband and I were having a very minor spat about something (how the dishwasher was stacked!) She is generally a good mum but she likes criticising other people and I reckon she’ll be sharing the videos with her husband / listening back to them later (for what reason I have no idea).

The first time, I caught her and told her you can’t record someone without their consent. The second time I saw what she’d done but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want confrontation. I just think it’s so weird.

Should I just leave her to it and write it off as eccentric behaviour? AIBU? What would you do?

Absolutely outrageous behaviour...
With mothers luke this who needs enemies!!!!

We dont reward bad behaviour in our house.
She cannot be trusted at all...so I wouldn't care if she loves playing on her phone...

If you must have her over get a "tech box" and make her deposit her phone by the front door. no phone = no weird recordings

The phone stays in the hall or she does too.

No - actually - i wouldn't let her round any more. I'd say ''i've thought about you recording us and i'm upset about and i don't trust you anymore and i don't think i want you to come round anymore''.

See what she suggests. Put the ball in her court to satisfy you and make you feel better.

She wouldn’t step foot in my house again.
Be warned, I had a relative like this. She started repeating back things that we had said in the house without her being in the house, and it turned out she had put a small listening device in our house. Madness like this can escalate.

😮

That's downright scary.😱

Did your relative have a history of MH problems? She sounds completely paranoid and in need of help.

This is totally unacceptable behaviour (don’t sugar coat it).

If you are not comfortable with it then you ask her to stop & if she doesn’t you have to see through the consequence you put in place (personally I wouldn’t allow her in my home as it’s such a huge invasion of privacy).

If she’s sharing your arguments she’s recorded with other people, that’s really not normal healthy behaviour.

My own step daughter was caught taking & sending photos of my personal information (bank statements & hospital letters that were hidden away) and sending them to her mother. We also discovered she was recording & videoing me & her dad without our knowledge (and sending the recordings to her mum). She now doesn’t visit our home as all trust for her has broken down in my part (she’s not a small child, she’s almost 19).

This behaviour is absolutely batshit and so disrespectful.

Why wait? Why not tell her that you have to have her promise that it will never happen again, otherwise she is not going to visit your house ever again. Make it clear that that will be the consequence if she breaks her promise.

It’s not like she’s round all the time. She lives a long way away and only visits twice per year. So I think I am possibly more willing to preserve our relationship and the good things in it than if I saw her every week or something.

This is the sort of shit my DM would do if she had a mobile phone. She used to sneak around and then write up notes. My DM used to delight in knowing anything about anyone.

I wouldn't have her back in the house.

I think I must be missing something here.
Your Mother who only visits twice a year and has a fondness for videoing snippets of life that she is enjoying has videoed her own grandchild and daughter living their lives. Not in a perfect 'say cheese' snap but showing real life grumps and arguments. And you are confident that these little videos are for her own enjoyment when she gets back home.
To me this seems like a loving mother who maybe was sort of absent from her own childs childhood but wants to be a part of her present life and to include her grandchild as a way of maintaining a connection.
You come across as a brittle person who resents her Mother for some reason. Maybe a heart to heart conversation would help more than a phone lockbox by the front door .

I would ask her to leave immediately and I wouldn't have any further communication with her at all until she was ready to acknowledge what she's done, give a full and unequivocal apology and an undertaking never to do it again and to leave her phone turned off for future visits.

Genuinely, I would absolutely go crazy. No way should she be invading your privacy and that of your dc in that way (just did my GDPR training today!) It is outrageous that she is covertly recording you. I would ban her or ban her using her phone in your house. I find this disgusting of her.

Yep you're definitely missing something. How about the part that she's secretly recording the negative moments and arguments without consent and then denying it. This isn't sweet little granny watching back lifes most precious moments. Why on earth would she enjoy watching things like that back. Its weird and creepy to record people when they dont know, and aren't happy about it.

Holy Moly now that is utter batshit.

Not only is it a gross invasion of your privacy but it seems there is some malevolent reason for her wanting to record the arguments and unpleasant moments. Is she putting you down to her friends? Collecting evidence for some purpose?

I'm usually a forgiving person with family members but this really crosses a line. I would be banning her from the house again unless she hands over her phone and I'd be after an honest explanation.

Not only is this behaviour an invasion of privacy, unsettling and unusual, it could become potentially harmful, in the future. Next time, it may not be such a benign altercation that your mum picks up?

I would get a lockable box and tell her that she either puts her phone in the box for the duration of her visit or she turns round and buggers off home.

It's creepy as fuck to record you.

I would say something to your husband before they visit so that he knew to 'play along'.

She would be banned from my house for breach of privacy.

Who the hell does she think she is going into someone else's home trying to rule the roost?

Honestly what I'd start doing first is having really wild conversations/arguments with my partner. Talk about us having sex, the positions we like etc etc

I understand wanting to preserve your relationship with your mum but surely you can’t let her do this again. You could explain to her why it’s horrible, it’s like she’s so wrapped up in herself she can’t see how odd/mean it is.

I’d take the tack of ‘Mum, would you want everyone to know you’re doing this? No? Doesn’t that show you it’s wrong?’ Not as a threat obviously but just to make her think how in her own head she’s been and actually it’s totally bizarre.

Does she have form for acting like you’re an extension of her, like ‘her daughter, her property’?

Next time she does it, just politely say 'Mum, could I please ask you not to record on your phone when you visit, I find it uncomfortable'. End of conversation. Repeat as necessary.

Perhaps your mum is lonely and misses you all and this way, recording is her way of being close to you all.

Do you speak to her regularly?.

I do think it is a bit much though recording all the time.

I would be very angry about this, it’s an invasion of privacy. I wouldn’t let her over the doorstep until she deletes, in front of you, any recordings she’s made and agrees to stop doing it.
Recording a kids birthday party or similar is one thing but recording private conversations is totally out of order.

It's a common misconception that it's illegal - it's not. As an individual you can record anyone provided the recording is for personal use.

Is it illegal to record a conversation in secret?
Recording a conversation in secret is not a criminal offence and is not prohibited. As long as the recording is for personal use you don’t need to obtain consent or let the other person know.
Things change if the matter is addressed with a claim for damages or if the recordings have been shared without the consent of the participants. Even worse, if the recording is sold to third parties or released in public without the consent of the participants then this could be considered a criminal offence.

BUT and it's a big but I cannot think of any reason at all that could justify your mother doing this, it's a huge invasion of privacy and it's not like she is trying to record someone admitting something for a divorce proceedings or trying to catch out the dodgy car salesmen who sold you a bad car. I cannot think of any reason in this circumstances where this would be acceptable or even understandable.

She would not be welcome again unless she gauranteed this would not happen again.