Mother records conversations without us knowing

[RingInTheNew]

The last couple of times that my mother has come to stay with us, I have caught her using her phone to record things going on in our house. The first was when our DD was having a strop about something and being generally grumpy, and the second was when my husband and I were having a very minor spat about something (how the dishwasher was stacked!) She is generally a good mum but she likes criticising other people and I reckon she’ll be sharing the videos with her husband / listening back to them later (for what reason I have no idea).

The first time, I caught her and told her you can’t record someone without their consent. The second time I saw what she’d done but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want confrontation. I just think it’s so weird.

Should I just leave her to it and write it off as eccentric behaviour? AIBU? What would you do?

RingInTheNew

Ah ok. Its a massive invasion of your home privacy and even if just for your DD's sake, you do need to put a stop to it. Seems weird your mum would record clips just for herself rather than to show to others (which is what I really think she's doing) but then, the whole situation is weird. & presumably your husband doesnt know he's being recorded then. Oddball behaviour. Hope you can find a way to sort it out.

Thanks everyone. Good to get some objective points of view. If it happens again I will confront her more effectively than before!

I would bring it up before she visits again, rather than wait to catch her in the act. It's not a normal thing to do, especially not when a guest in someone's house.

It's not so much the recording for me (although weird), it's the fact that she's doing so so she can slag you off / criticise you later!

Mum, I know you've been making recordings and I'm uncomfortable with it, it's strange behaviour. I don't even want to know why.
You can either show me now and we delete them and you agree not to do it again, or agree that you won't be a guest in our home again. Your choice.

Confiscate her phone when she comes over because she is behaving like an irresponsible child.

Get a security camera (poss fake) and put it up in the kitchen. Tell her it is there and will be on all the time. If she complains, tell her you didn't think she'd mind as she likes recording people.

There's no reason for her to record for herself. She's probably sharing with friends. Doesn't sound like a loving relationship.

I agree with @Geppili - phone lock box next to the door for naughty adults who can’t behave. She can have it back when she leaves.

Your tact was strange - saying it's against the law. As if you'd call the police!

Why wouldn't you instead say you do not want to be recorded on this way ever again, you found it very strange thing to do, why would she be recording this, who was she intending to show? If she ever did it again she'd not be welcome back etc etc.

Just tell her to stop, and if she does it again she'll be kicked out.

This is good. Say something like that.

She needs to know you’re taking this seriously. She’s either doing it to show people, or gathering “evidence” of some kind. It’s striking that she isn’t recording nice things, which is what a normal person would do. Instead of recording her grandchild smiling and playing, she’s recording toddler tantrums and arguments. That isn’t a nice little souvenir of the visit to play back to herself in the evening while she’s drinking her cocoa. And she denied doing it. She’s untrustworthy and up to something.

Is it possible that your relationship seems more problematic from the outside than it seems to you? I wish I could have recorded the interactions between my dd and her abusive partner- she was in such denial that some proof might have helped her get out sooner.

Have you asked her why she does it?

It’s definitely strange behavior as @GoldDuster says. Does she have a history of MH problems?

this is so massively unacceptable. She’s not going to stop it because you’ve not given her a consequence and continue to allow access to her. I would tell her you have lost trust in her and she doesn’t get to come into your home or visit your daughter and you unless she hands over her phone when she comes into your home. She didn’t apologise. She denied it. You have no reason to trust her.

I would make it conditional that if she is going to be in your home then you get to take her mobile phone and put it somewhere visible like on the kitchen bench. Let her know that she is welcome to answer calls etc, but if you catch her videoing or recording anything at all then you will be calling her GP and/or the police to discuss this weird, obsessive compulsive behaviour.

How can you be so blasé about this? It’s fucking mental. I would be cutting all contact until I got an explanation.

Don't invite her round. Or get your phone out and say I'm just setting this to record and record her.

This.

The thing is that I would very much want to know why she is doing it.

Does she record you when you're out and about - for example if you go out for coffee/a meal, does she record the conversation there too?
I'm only asking because if she does or has done in the past, then I'd use the suggested wording that @GoldDuster has put forward with one adjustment (in bold below):
Mum, I know you've been making recordings and I'm uncomfortable with it, it's strange behaviour. I don't even want to know why.
You can either show me now and we delete them and you agree not to do it again, or agree that you won't be welcome in our home and we won't be seeing you again. Your choice.

I don't think it is illegal but it is against our house rules. Recording people, fine, covertly recording people, not allowed, no good reason for it.
It is really odd behaviour from a grandparent.

She does record lots of nice things too. She is totally addicted to her phone - has it on most of the day, looking at social media, the news, YouTube, emails…she is worse than a teenager! She films all the nice things the kids do. It’s a bit of a family joke that she’s always filming people and taking photos (she does it with extended family too - they’ll just be sitting round having a conversation and if she thinks it’s funny or enjoying the company then she films everyone). We’re always saying oh mum, put your phone away - I don’t particularly enjoy being filmed, even when it’s just capturing a nice moment. She enjoys reliving moments later on - I see her looking at her photos a lot.

If she’s addicted to her phone, that helps explain this bizarre behavior. Perhaps mention that you don’t want to be videoed and gently suggest that she puts her phone down when she’s visiting. It’s not healthy for anyone to be glued to their phone like that!

I would be absolutely disgusted and furious if my mother did this. It's the motivation behind it that would bother me... I'd assume she's doing it so she can slag you off to someone or prove you or your kids are bad people or something. She's up to something unpleasant, for sure.