To think DH should say if he's going for a nap

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Who is being unreasonable here?

A couple of hours ago, one of the kids was being a little annoying (repeated minor misbehaving) and DH got up and left the room. At the time I assumed he was getting frustrated, and needed 5 minutes to calm down to avoid snapping at DC. An hour and a half later me and other DC went upstairs to get something and DH got annoyed at us for disturbing his lie down.

I'm annoyed at him for not saying he was going for a nap, as it would have been handy to know I was parenting solo for the evening and I'd being waiting for him to come down before starting tea.

He feels he should be able to sleep whenever he wants/needs, and it's controlling of me to expect to be told

Couple of relevant factors at avoid drip feeding.

• DC have additional needs and need more supervision then others, it is much easier to cook tea if another adult is with them, though not impossible otherwise.

• I worked a night shift last night, and have only slept for an hour since, so I'm possibly just tired and grumpy. But just because I'm grumpy doesn't mean I don't also have a point.

I do expect communication even if it’s for a little bit (eg going to the bathroom/shower etc)

That would piss me off no end! Why does he get to tap out of parenting?

Yes agree he should have told you or at least not been annoyed when you woke him from his illicit sleep

I used to do this when my DD was v little too, say I was going to put away washing or something and then go to sleep 🤣

If DC have additional needs (or are 3yo and under) then neither parent gets to leave the main room without saying where they are going and for how long - it's only fair so that the other parent knows what to expect!

For example, if he'd said he was going for a nap, you need the opportunity to say "I'll just nip to the toilet first" or "hold on while I bob to the corner shop to get XYZ"

That's how joint parenting works!!!

It's not even just about communication in this scenario. He can't just waltz off whenever he fancies for a bloody nap. What a CF.

I would give him a taste of his own medicine and go off for a 1.5hr walk unannounced. Some people need to learn through experience.

He's been unreasonable and I find it hard to believe that if the situation was reversed he wouldn't be a bit peeved too. I mean, if parents could just nap whenever they liked, none of us would be nearly as knackered as we are!! Free napping is a pre children privilege. Post children, it's like almost everything else, it has to pre-agreed with the other parent.

I don't actually have much problem with the nap itself, if he needed it. It's more that if I'd have known I'd have just got on with tea/homework etc. Instead of hanging on thinking he'll be back soon and it will be easier with two.

We always took the view that is is like pilot and copilot flying a plane.

the pilot would never just stand up and wander off to have a poo or a nap without at least saying ‘you have control now‘

its not about asking permission necessarily but it isn’t a great idea lo leave one person in charge if they don’t actually know that they are flying solo

If you're parenting together, it's controlling to just expect that the other person pick up your share of supervision, without even telling you. It's like taking a holiday at work, getting your colleagues to pick up your share of the work, and not even mentioning it. I hate that men seem to be accusing women of being controlling every time they get fed up of and date to object to men's chappy behavior. Its common courtesy to tell people about actions that affect them. If he doesn't understand this, then you might need to just put the bins out and disappear out for the afternoon without warning

My dh does this and it pisses me right off. He does get tired due to poor health but so do I.

Napping with young dc is taking the piss....

If anyone needed a nap surely it was you, after a night shift and one hour's sleep?

When you absent yourself from the room and disappear for an hour and a half for a kip, do you let him know where you're going? Would he be pissed off if you didn't?

Thought so. I'd be pissed off too.

You both created the children. You are both equally responsible for them. May be tomorrow night, whilst he is there, just disappear off for a nap? What would he do?

Yanbu, it’s really unfair to disappear, especially when you know the other person has barely slept and that they need a hand.

I hope you go for random naps too in this case. If not, then he probably has taken forgranted that you're a human being that is impacted by his whims. He probably views you more like a service robot. Why would he tell his service robot where he's going?

This absolutely^
we have child with additional needs and DH sometimes goes for a nap in the afternoon, as our evening are often spent in discussions about EHCp / medical appointments etc beyond midnight. He always checks with me first.
And before someone asks I don’t like naps I prefer to stay in bed a bit longer in the morning.

YANBU

You try it and see how he feels about it.

Considering you did a night shift as well… I work Sundays & when I get in my DH needs a nap after minding DS (even if they’ve been at home all day). It always makes me laugh…

I’d be furious about this in your situation! Wow. What an entitled arse!

It's just general curtsey to say 'going for a nap' or something, even without kids.

Depends on the relationship I think, but my husband commumicates these things to me

Sometimes I get irritated by DH then I read about other DH's and think I'm actually very lucky.

OP your specimen sounds ridiculous. Who just leaves during active parenting duties without saying anything.
Before we even get started on you having worked a night shift.

He is very out of line.

Right.. and are you afforded the same? No of course you won't be. Because men.

I’d be fuming! You worked a night shift and he needs a nap? I’d love to have a nap every single day but would never just leave my DH to do this! Fair enough if he was poorly or something!

LOL we used the ship analogy. Someone was 'on deck' and had to change watches if they left.

In this case though OP worked a night shift last night, and have only slept for an hour since which makes his nap incredibly selfish. Not just the method but also the fact of him prioritising his wants over the needs of everyone else.

I'd be livid OP.

So how often does he just fuck off to sleep OP? It's certainly not "a nap", it's a full blown sleep ffs, and his "nap" more sleep than you'd had altogether!

Is he generally a selfish arse who checks out of parenting, or is this the only thing?