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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

CBA to go and see MIL on Mother’s Day

37 replies

Amidying · 06/03/2024 17:16

My mum lives hundreds of miles away and she stayed with us only last week for a good 2 weeks, so visiting her isn’t on the cards at the moment. Just thought I’d get that out there before people start asking about my own mum.

My PIL live 1.5 hour drive away and they come to stay with us every week for one night and a day to help us with childcare. DC is 19 months old. They stay overnight due to the distance and travel time to get here so they don’t have to rush to get here at rush hour and risk being late or stuck on motorway etc. They are always welcome in house to stay or visit as they please and they have their own key. They are an absolute blessing and help us so much and are genuinely such lovely people. Even before we had DC I have always had a great relationship with them, and appreciate and love them to pieces.

This week our usual childcare wasn’t available so they are actually staying with us 2 nights to help us with childcare for 2 days instead of just 1. They will be doing this again next week, again because our usual childcare isn’t available. This was all pre-arranged in advance and they happily agreed. They are always happy to help and always offer childcare help. I do really appreciate them looking after DC and they are really such great grandparents and parents. They treat me like their own daughter. DH has no other siblings so they will have no other Mother’s Day visits from anyone else, but I do feel a bit like we would have seen them so much this week and had 2 evenings to catch up with them, and will do next week as well, do we really have to go and visit on Sunday as well? Can’t we send her gift or flowers and a lovely card and just see her on the usual days?

DC gets horrendously car sick and really distressed so we try to avoid car journeys whenever possible as they need to be organised with military precision to allow a meal to be digested enough that he isn’t sick but also not on the verge of hunger. I have to sit in the back with him to help keep him calm when he’s not feeling well. It will also take up the whole day and it’s the only day we get off as a family ourselves and it’s also Mother’s Day for me. I do however, feel bad that the only reason we get to see them so much is because they come to us to look after DC. I think I would feel differently if DC was a joy to travel with! We do go on car journeys if we have to just prefer to limit it if possible.

UABU- go visit you MIL who deserves to be made a fuss of.

UANBU- you would have seen enough of her. She will be happy with some flowers and a card in the post! Enjoy your own Mother’s Day.

OP posts:
Scaffoldingisugly · 06/03/2024 17:18

Remember it's your day too!
Face time and chill. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself...

pootlin · 06/03/2024 17:19

YANBU at all.

It’s DH’s mum, he can decide to go or not go but you and dc should do what YOU want, it’s your Mother’s Day!

Amidying · 06/03/2024 17:21

pootlin · 06/03/2024 17:19

YANBU at all.

It’s DH’s mum, he can decide to go or not go but you and dc should do what YOU want, it’s your Mother’s Day!

Aww thanks. I totally get that for a lot of couple they would happily go to see their parents on their own but I genuinely would feel happier if I spent the day with DH and DC. I wouldn’t stop him seeing his own mum but he is a lot like me. He would prefer to spend the day with me and DC too.

OP posts:
Whaleandsnail6 · 06/03/2024 17:23

I think your dh, her son should make the effort, especially since she does so much for you both.

I dont think you all have to go though, you have a day relaxing.

pootlin · 06/03/2024 17:23

Amidying · 06/03/2024 17:21

Aww thanks. I totally get that for a lot of couple they would happily go to see their parents on their own but I genuinely would feel happier if I spent the day with DH and DC. I wouldn’t stop him seeing his own mum but he is a lot like me. He would prefer to spend the day with me and DC too.

As you see PIL so often I think it’s fine.

Flowers are lovely.

LadyEloise1 · 06/03/2024 17:25

Whaleandsnail6 · 06/03/2024 17:23

I think your dh, her son should make the effort, especially since she does so much for you both.

I dont think you all have to go though, you have a day relaxing.

I agree.

Isthismyforever · 06/03/2024 17:27

What does your dh think? It's his Mum after all. I just lost my Mum & would give anything right now to be able to visit her on Mother's Day...

SingsongSu · 06/03/2024 17:29

I’d probably get DH to call and say something like ad we won’t see you on MD, when you’re here next week, we can do X. Dinner or something?

Scaffoldingisugly · 06/03/2024 17:31

Moonpig card with dc's pics on. So hurry up and order! Never understand those who say Moonpig is a cop out. Isn't the quick option ime!!

TeaKitten · 06/03/2024 17:33

DH goes to visit her if he wants and you and DC stay home, simple!

KatieKat88 · 06/03/2024 17:35

Do something special that you wouldnt usually do when you're already seeing her - surely the point is to show your appreciation, it doesn't matter about it being on Sunday itself?

Amidying · 06/03/2024 17:36

Isthismyforever · 06/03/2024 17:27

What does your dh think? It's his Mum after all. I just lost my Mum & would give anything right now to be able to visit her on Mother's Day...

I’m not sure. I was going to ask him but last year he asked me what I would prefer seeing as it’s my mothers day too!

OP posts:
Amidying · 06/03/2024 17:38

SingsongSu · 06/03/2024 17:29

I’d probably get DH to call and say something like ad we won’t see you on MD, when you’re here next week, we can do X. Dinner or something?

That’s a nice idea. We could do a meal out or something during the week next week. Although, I have only just got over some horrific food poisoning from restaurant chicken at the weekend so I’m nervous about eating out just yet 😂 could always opt for a veggie meal though!

OP posts:
Amidying · 06/03/2024 17:40

KatieKat88 · 06/03/2024 17:35

Do something special that you wouldnt usually do when you're already seeing her - surely the point is to show your appreciation, it doesn't matter about it being on Sunday itself?

Thanks, that’s a good idea.

OP posts:
Merrymouse · 06/03/2024 17:40

Obviously I have no idea whether she would mind, but I agree with pp, I would make a fuss of her when she is visiting.

SecondUsername4me · 06/03/2024 17:42

Why has the question arisen? You don't want to go, your dh doesn't want to go. Has MIL actually invited you and you are looking for a way to say no?

Amidying · 06/03/2024 17:44

As a side note, it’s a bit frustrating that most of the comments on here so far are saying I’m not being U and suggesting alternative ideas, but the votes are so high for saying I’m being U without an explanation why. I guess that’s what AIBU is all about. People just love clicking UABU don’t they 😂

OP posts:
Amidying · 06/03/2024 17:45

SecondUsername4me · 06/03/2024 17:42

Why has the question arisen? You don't want to go, your dh doesn't want to go. Has MIL actually invited you and you are looking for a way to say no?

No. Nobody has mentioned it at all. MIL is so selfless and lovely she wouldn’t mind, but would equally be thrilled we visited too. It’s just my internal guilt that has made me think of it!

OP posts:
Iwantmyoldnameback · 06/03/2024 17:48

But you only see them so much because they are helping with childcare. That's a bit different to them always dropping in.

SecondUsername4me · 06/03/2024 17:48

You got to let that guilt go

"Dh have you sorted a gift for MIL for Sunday? When are you giving her it?"

Whaleandsnail6 · 06/03/2024 17:50

Given your update, if she would be thrilled for the visit, your husband really should go.

If I was him, I'd explain your child hasnt gone because of the travel sickness but I think it would be nice if he made the effort for her and made it a really special day.

buttercupcake · 06/03/2024 17:51

I would invite them to us for a nice roast, or take them out for one. That way you don’t have to make your child travel sick, but you still get to make a fuss of her on the day.

Sounds like they help you a lot with childcare, so I would want to show my appreciation by not leaving her on her own on Mother’s Day.

5YearsLeft · 06/03/2024 17:52

I think that making a fuss of her while she’s at yours is a great compromise, especially as I’m sure she’s aware of DC’s travel sickness. Giving her cards and a gift while you’re seeing her seems to me like it would be enjoyable for everyone.

AsTheyPulledYouOutOfTheOxygenTent · 06/03/2024 17:54

Get a babysitter and take her out for a lovely dinner when she's next staying. And send flowers for the day.

But do get DH to ring and explain about the carsickness, express how much you both value her, and hope that she's OK with having a "mother's day treat" another day.

Normally I'd say "his mum, his job" but given how much they do for you I don't think you should risk him doing a halfarsed job.

AnnaMagnani · 06/03/2024 17:56

Your DH needs to sort a gift for MIL and something for you as although your DC is still little, children don't learn to do something for Mother's Day unless the dads facilitate it. It could just be them bringing you toast in bed but they need help to start the tradition.