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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit annoyed at my mum...

36 replies

Youcannotbeserious · 25/03/2008 22:23

... Was talking to my mum and getting the usual quick fire barrage of questions and she said to me 'And how's my little man?'

I immediately assumed she was talking about the dog (who she constantly tries to talk me into giving to her and my father) so I said, 'oh he's fine, he's asleep here at my feet'

And, she said 'No, I mean the baby'....

I know I'm probably being really over senstive and hormonal and irrational etc., but I DO NOT want my mum calling my son 'her little man'........

I've already let her do it with the dog (She often refers to the dog's home as her house, even though she lives over 300 miles away) and I'm absolutely adamant it's not going to happen with my son too..

AIBU or not?

And if I'm not, what's a good way to put her straight without offending her?

OP posts:
TurkeyLurkey · 25/03/2008 22:26

I think it was quite sweet but there again she's not my mum so don't know the history. It wouldn't bother me.

DoubleBluff · 25/03/2008 22:27

YABU. Get a life.

Spoo · 25/03/2008 22:28

I would make a joke and say 'Do you mean my little man, yes he is good.' Take it with a pinch of salt, at the end of the day you are the boy's mum and you will always be his mum and he is actually YOUR little man. Saying the words does not lay claim to him. If she lives 300 miles away, then she is probably struggling with the fact she will be so removed from him so calling him this might ease that feeling for her. I would be grateful that you have an adoring grandparent.

MotherFunk · 25/03/2008 22:28

Message withdrawn

Psychomum5 · 25/03/2008 22:30

I would say it is just a term of endearment and don;t stress over it.

there are much worse things a new grandma can do than say 'my little man' about her own grandson.

she sounds lovely to me, I I accept that she is your mum and this is just a snippet of your relationship with her.

My own mum is schizophrenic, and so has no contact with me or her grandchildren unless she is in a lucid phase....I would love to be able to have had her ring me when mine were tiny and call them 'my princess's, my little men'.

Original poster
Youcannotbeserious · 25/03/2008 22:31

sorry, it is for real... My mum has some control issues...

I suppose I know I am being unreasonable...

OP posts:
Jojay · 25/03/2008 22:32

YABU. Sorry. It's just a phrase, and a nice one at that.

jangly · 25/03/2008 22:34

Oh! she just loves her grandson!

lucharl · 25/03/2008 22:34

totally unreasonable!

but what are these control issues you speak of?

Psychomum5 · 25/03/2008 22:37

you are not unreasonable as such, he is your son after all, and you don;t like to share (do many of us?), but don;t get stressed over it....tis a lovely thing to say really when you think of the way some grandparents can behave or talk etc.

MotherFunk · 25/03/2008 22:37

Message withdrawn

dingdong05 · 25/03/2008 22:38

YABU, even with control issues she's 300 miles away so hardly able to actually muscle in!
I agree with spoo, make a joke of it.

Miaou · 25/03/2008 22:38

I'm guessing there must be a lot more to this than just a one-off phrase. It's an endearment, certainly where I come from. And where I live now, everyone refers to ds2 as "ma wee manny" - I'm not worried though!

Original poster
Youcannotbeserious · 25/03/2008 22:41

Thanks... Maybe I just need a good kick up the jacksie!!!

My mum needs to be in control of pretty much everything. She doesn't mean it badly...

So, she calls me several times a day to check I've walked the dog / locked the house / made it to work / have a hat on / have sensible shoes on / have eaten - the list is endless. If I don't pick up the phone immediately, she'll lose the plot and end up in a total stress and crying about how horrid I am.

I suppose I am feeling a bit emtional about her at the moment because, quite a while ago, I asked her to mind some money for me (quite a bit) and now they are refusing to give it back to me, because they don't think I can mind it myself... I am mid 30s FFS!!

Anyway, I ABU and I do need to let little things like this go... I appreciate the advice.

OP posts:
TwoFirTreesToday · 26/03/2008 11:56

Sounds awful for you I would make sure I was always the adult in control, and not the child who needs help, especially with money! Perhaps if you drop the subject for a while then inform them of a new bank account/isa and tell them it needs to be transferred/paid in by the 1st to get the interest, dont ask just inform them, preferably by email! Have you tried limiting her to one call a day? How does she respond when you claim little bits of control? You may find you have to emotionally close off her tantrums and decompartmentalise her mentally. I would limit her, step by step, starting with no calls before 10am, no calls after 6pm, one call a day etc. There is a specially thread that you may have seen; but we took you to stately homes... Was a huge help to me!

Original poster
Youcannotbeserious · 26/03/2008 12:17

Hi, TFFT!

Yes, I've seen the thread, but not posted on it yet.... I should read it more often!

the trouble is, I don't want to get to the point where I get totally irrational about her behaviour and immediately think 'the worst' (which I think it what I've done here), it's just she always finds a way to take over.

Yesterday, she was talking to her neighbours (who I don't know at all well, as they moved since I left home) and she called me up saying 'ooh, they have some spare baby clothes and a cot and.... ' Sorry? What? Am I really being unreasonable for her to be going round asking for handouts like I'm some sort of numpty.... Yes, I know, I probably AM being unreasonable...

The money issue is different. I asked her and my dad to look after it because I wanted to make them feel involved and was trying to be 'nice' (I know, stupid of me)

I've asked for it back, but they've refused.

DH is now angry about it because he doesn't see WHY they have to be involved (they leant us money previously which I've since repaid but basically demanded a 'share' of our house - so much so, that they had a problem with my DSDs having a room each as they wanted their room - their argument being they'd paid for it...) Now, the DSDs do have a room each and, if my mother had her way, she'd give them bunk beds (I when I say 'had her way' I mean if I left her in the house on her own, she'd just do it and, when I complained, she'd tell me to grow up and that I am being unreasonable)

S0, I paid that money back and, of course, we're now in a position where they will only hand over the extra money (mine) when I do something they approve of........ To say DH is mad about it is beyond the pale... Mostly because (i) if we buy a house, they'll expect it to meet their criteria and (ii) they are now sort of putting a 'package' together which is 100% of my money plus some money they promised as a gift when we got married plus a bit more which (I know and DH knows) will be presented as 'their contribution' - therefore 'buying' their right to comment on everything

God, I hope that makes ANY sense at all!

I only got upset about the 'my little man' comment because since I got the dog, they have gone on and on and on about how I cannot cope and they should have the dog. They won't buy their own, they want mine.... She even gets upset with the dog when I pick the dog up because she doesn't think he's grateful enough (He's a DOG!! As soon as he sees me, he forgets about anything and everything else... Isn't that what most dogs do with their owners???????)

I suppose I can just see the same thing happening with the baby....

Sorry, rant over!

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 26/03/2008 12:23

"And don't most mothers have control issues?"

MF I am finding it most disconcerting that we have started agreeing on so many things - please stop it immediately, it's giving me the creeps. You stick to your "I'm a rebellious wild young thing" and I'll stick to my "I am an old fogey", things will be much clearer that way

I have a feeling that, in the same way that I never really understood how my mum felt about me until I had DS, I won;t understand how she feels about DS until I have grandchildren.

My mum occasionally slips up and calls herself "mummy" and is never short of an opinion about what he should be doing. But she is one of the few people in the world who really loves him absolutely and having a degree of possessiveness kind of goes with that territory in my view. It;s a very diffiuclt line to draw making sure they do understand that you are mummy but "my little man" sounds OK to me.

Kewcumber · 26/03/2008 12:30

sorry I'm completely baffled by the commetns about the money. But if you have given them some of your money which they are refusing to give back to you then you need to knock that on the head immediately (and obviously don;t do it again).

If you want them to treat you like a responsible adult then you need to behave like one and giving your parents your money to "look after" is the actions of a teenager not an adult! Keep your money and their gift separate.

Very clearly tell them to return the money which you have entrusted to them. If they refuse then say you will need to consult a lawyer.

If they give you "gifts" with strings attached (ie right to an opinion about how its spent) then you either have to accept those strings or turn down the gift - and be honest with them about why. Just say that you are a grown woman and you don't want them to have a say in how you live your life. If you need their gift them you need to ask them for a clear understanding of what strings it comes with and decide whetehr you can deal with that.

MotherFunk · 26/03/2008 12:37

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Youcannotbeserious · 26/03/2008 12:37

Kewcumber....

I sold a house and, out of that, repaid the 'gift' they'd given me as it had led to so many arguments.

the rest of the money from the house is mine but, yes, I stupidly gave it to them because they said that they had an account and I didn't. I did it to keep the peace at the time...

it's 'my' money I can't get back. I've said I don't want any more gifts because it's just too much hassle.

The only way they'll discuss it is this 'package' idea (which is 90% my money but with a bit of an add on, which I think is so they can refer to the whole amount as 'from them'). I've said no, but that just leads to the end of the discussion. Plus, they'll only give me the money when I 'need' it. (when I want to buy another house, but then of course, they want to see and approve the house....)

DH wants to see a solicitor but it'll lead to a major rift.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 26/03/2008 12:41

I think I agree with your DH - you need to be the adult here. It is your money - explain to them and say you wan tit back if they refuse tell tehm you will have to consult a lawyer as you need the money (no business of their's what you need it for). If they are really going to fall out with you over giving you back your won money then they are seriously screwed up (unless you are Amy Winehouse and they think you will blow the lot on booze and drugs in which case I might have some sympathy).

If tehy are that screwed up them sadly I would have to question the value of your relationship with them. How far are you prepared to damage your relationship with your DH to keep your parents happy?

Sorry I know that sounds a bit blunt.

LilRedWG · 26/03/2008 12:47

Re the money. Can you not say yes and then when you have your money, transfer their 10% back into their bank account.

Failing that I'd be tempted with a solicitor and cutting ites, but I'm a harsh old bag.

LilRedWG · 26/03/2008 12:47

Kew said what I meant, but far more eloquently.

Kewcumber · 26/03/2008 12:49

Lilred - I had the same thought but them I am obviously as mean an old bag as you are! Sadly though it looks like parents will only release if a house is bought.

Youcannotbeserious - you're not Amy Winehouse are you?

Original poster
Youcannotbeserious · 26/03/2008 13:59

No, I am not Amy Winehouse..... Believe me, you would not want to hear me wail sing!!

and, I'm afraid you are right, Kew, parents don't see why I should want the money unless I'm going to buy a house. DH just wants the money back in my / our name.

My parents have been odd views on 'boundaries' (they don't have any!!) which is why I suppose I question little things like her refering to my DS as 'hers'... Given half the chance, she'd take over completely!! (this is why I didn't tell her I was PG until I was 26Weeks!!)

OP posts: