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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU Son putting hand in my face

55 replies

Halfmanhalfcake · 06/03/2024 12:45

This morning son was doing some times tables app before school. He was getting stressed by it and upset (its timed and he doesnt want to loose his ranking). I saw he was getting upset (strating to cry) so I told him gently to put it away for a while, and that we could always pick it up at another point. he started to get really upset, so i went to give him a cuddle at which point he pushed me away by my face.

I was really shocked, I walked away. DH had a huge go at son and told him if he hadnt wanted a cuddle he should just say so and that it was totally fine to not want a cuddle but he should use words rather than getting physical. Son was obviously even more upset by this point.

I had a chat with him and said that we love him and that I was sorry I had given him a cuddle when he obviously hadnt wanted one. I told him that I didnt want him to get so upset about the times tables, and that we think hes brilliant and that we dont care about whether he goes up or down in his ranking (which is why Id said to put it away in the first place). I just feel awful now and have been thinking about it all morning.

Did we deal with it ok? I feel like we were too harsh on him. I try to be respectful and fair with the kids but feel like Ive messed up.

OP posts:
BingoMarieHeeler · 06/03/2024 12:48

I have a son like that. I would just not interrupt him when he’s trying to do his times tables tbh. I’d let him know he could stop and if he put his hand up to me (because he was trying to concentrate and you were distracting him?) I would let him get on with it and not get all offended. Sorry, you maybe made a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

Like, you told him he could pick it up again later and he chose to keep going with it. So, sorted.

Beamur · 06/03/2024 12:51

Lesson learned by everyone.
He was upset and a bit disregulated - but pushing you away like that was rude and out of order. That does deserve a rebuke.
Maybe you need to give him a bit more space. Talk it through and agree how best to help each other in a similar situation.

Original poster
Halfmanhalfcake · 06/03/2024 12:51

He didnt put his hand up to me, he pushed me away by my face (he wsnt actually in the middle of the game at that point). I said lets stop at a natural end point. But youre right maybe I should have just left him to it.

OP posts:
Collywobblewobbles · 06/03/2024 12:52

I think you were a bit gentle with him tbh. My response would be closer to your husbands.

Original poster
Halfmanhalfcake · 06/03/2024 12:53

Thank you @Beamur I agree. I should have robably given him a bit more space.
Urgh parenting is so hard. I really want to do my best but feel like a mess up so much with stuff like this.

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 06/03/2024 12:54

How old is he?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/03/2024 12:54

I had a chat with him and said that we love him and that I was sorry I had given him a cuddle when he obviously hadnt wanted one.

Good grief. Your son was extremely rude, disrespectful, and he physically touched you in a way that is totally unacceptable. Why are you grovelling to him? He should be apologising to you.

We shouldn't teach our kids not to be angry, instead we need to teach them how to be angry. Your husband was absolutely right in telling him off.

AmaryllisChorus · 06/03/2024 12:56

I wouldn't apologise for going to cuddle him before he'd apologised for pushing your face. Of the two actions, one is loving but badly timed, the other isn't. He needs to understand which is less acceptable of the two, socially.

CharlotteFlax · 06/03/2024 12:56

I think you need to be VERY CLEAR that pushing by the face does not happen again (and suspect you might not have been clear enough.)

Yes it is very hard, all this parenting malarkey! None of us do it exactly the same way but I personally would be raging that he'd put hands on my face.

I do think you've dealt with the other stuff well but he does need to be told he crossed a line he mustn't cross again.

Jellycatspyjamas · 06/03/2024 12:57

My DS would have had a very strong rebuke if he ever lifted his hand to me, whatever the reason. It’s important for kids to know they’re loved, you think they’re brilliant etc but they also need a firm boundary - laying hands on someone in anger is a hard line.

Original poster
Halfmanhalfcake · 06/03/2024 12:57

He is 9. I think ive got a bit of a warped view about whats reasonable with these things. My mum used to shout a lot, and would sulk if we were ever rude. As a result I think I find it hard to know the right approach with reprimanding, as well as what is normal in terms of telling your kids off.

In my head every other parent is consistenly gentle and patient, and when I feel like I dont respond like that I get myself in a tizz.

OP posts:
AnnaSewell · 06/03/2024 12:58

Assuming your son is quite young - 6 or 7 - I'd say keep it really simple. You need to say.

You don't ever push people's faces. It is dangerous. It can hurt someone badly and damage their eyes. If you want someone to leave you alone you ask politely. He is not to do that again. Ever.

As parents you also need to show a united front.

takealettermsjones · 06/03/2024 12:58

Beamur · 06/03/2024 12:51

Lesson learned by everyone.
He was upset and a bit disregulated - but pushing you away like that was rude and out of order. That does deserve a rebuke.
Maybe you need to give him a bit more space. Talk it through and agree how best to help each other in a similar situation.

This. He was upset and didn't want to be cuddled, you obviously don't deserve to be pushed. I always ask my kids before cuddling tbh, but I think it's especially useful when they're already upset. Have a chat about it when everyone's calmed down.

WinterMorn · 06/03/2024 12:59

I agree with everything Aquamarine says. Why on Earth would you apologise to him? What sort of message is that sending when he has physically pushed you away by your face?! I just don’t understand this constant pandering to children whatever they decide to do. They are children who need boundaries, consequences and guidance. They are not mini adults with a commensurate level of understanding.

Jellycatspyjamas · 06/03/2024 12:59

In my head every other parent is consistenly gentle and patient, and when I feel like I dont respond like that I get myself in a tizz.

Some behaviour doesn’t merit a gentle, patient response. Violence is one of those behaviours.

teatimeplease · 06/03/2024 12:59

I wouldn't have been apologising to him when he pushed you in the face! If he's old enough to be learning times tables he's certainly old enough to know better than push anyone in the face!

Have a conversation about not giving him a cuddle if he didn't want one in the future aswell as talking about how he was feeling over his time stable yes, but he is the one who should be apologising and being told he was in the wrong in my opinion.

You've not done anything wrong trying to comfort your child when he was visibly stressed, he could have shaken you off/stiffened up/used his words all to tell you to back off

takealettermsjones · 06/03/2024 12:59

Halfmanhalfcake · 06/03/2024 12:57

He is 9. I think ive got a bit of a warped view about whats reasonable with these things. My mum used to shout a lot, and would sulk if we were ever rude. As a result I think I find it hard to know the right approach with reprimanding, as well as what is normal in terms of telling your kids off.

In my head every other parent is consistenly gentle and patient, and when I feel like I dont respond like that I get myself in a tizz.

Parents are human too, and it's fine for kids to see that.

Allofaflutter · 06/03/2024 13:01

Your son needs to know physical isn’t ok. Your apologies just makes him think it’s ok. Your dh has the right approach. He needs to be robustly told off.

Dweetfidilove · 06/03/2024 13:01

YABU! Your husband managed it well, and your son needs to apologise to you.
And stop apologising and coddling, because if this behaviour catches on, it may not end well for him.

CharlotteFlax · 06/03/2024 13:05

Yes, 9 is older than I thought he was tbh.

He needs to apologise and you need to not be the gentle and tender parent if he ever does it again.

KreedKafer · 06/03/2024 13:06

I think you dealt with it fine. Your husband was right to tell your son off for pushing you away by the face like that. A nine-year-old is old enough not to be doing something like that and a firm response was appropriate from your husband. You were right to have a conversation with him afterwards and reassure him about the times tables thing (and to let him know that he can tell you, or even just turn away, if he doesn't want a cuddle). The combined approach seems sensible and fair to me.

gingerscot · 06/03/2024 13:08

Resilience. We need to try and build resilience in our kids. You don’t apologise when he’s been violent to you. What’s that teaching him for future life? He’s 9, not a toddler. It’s good that his dad showed him a positive male role model. You don’t want to set him up where he thinks he can put hands on a future partner and expect them to apologise for upsetting him and “making him do it.”

Teach him other strategies for dealing with anger and frustration, removing himself, asking for space, etc. But never apologise for them putting hands on you. Society won’t accept that.

ColleenDonaghy · 06/03/2024 13:09

Collywobblewobbles · 06/03/2024 12:52

I think you were a bit gentle with him tbh. My response would be closer to your husbands.

Yes me too. You can be a gentle and patient parent while still being strict and being very clear that some behaviour is completely unacceptable.

SoOutingWhoCares · 06/03/2024 13:12

It's a bit nuts but I think this is a "boy" thing. I've seen my friend's toddler starting to do it regularly, but his twin sister never does it.

I can remember boys doing it to me in school both primary (and as a teenager!).

My ex who was almost 30 did it to me quite often and recently I saw my friend's 35 year old husband do it her. With both men it was after them being a bit annoying and teasy/seeking attention and us having to say no, you're being slightly annoying babe, bit busy right now etc - sort of a play fighty face grab and gentle push away but still really disrespectful and I wish their mums had nipped it in the bud when they were kids.

A 2/3 year old doing it is bad enough. At 9, that's pretty despicable behaviour. You don't get to grab people's face and push them away, disregulated or not.

He was in the wrong not you. Please don't apologise and coddle when he behaves like that.

The world doesn't need more 30/35 year old men thinking this is acceptable behaviour!

Zanatdy · 06/03/2024 13:19

He was very rude and I certainly wouldn’t be apologising to him. Your husband handled it perfectly