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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU Son putting hand in my face

55 replies

Halfmanhalfcake · 06/03/2024 12:45

This morning son was doing some times tables app before school. He was getting stressed by it and upset (its timed and he doesnt want to loose his ranking). I saw he was getting upset (strating to cry) so I told him gently to put it away for a while, and that we could always pick it up at another point. he started to get really upset, so i went to give him a cuddle at which point he pushed me away by my face.

I was really shocked, I walked away. DH had a huge go at son and told him if he hadnt wanted a cuddle he should just say so and that it was totally fine to not want a cuddle but he should use words rather than getting physical. Son was obviously even more upset by this point.

I had a chat with him and said that we love him and that I was sorry I had given him a cuddle when he obviously hadnt wanted one. I told him that I didnt want him to get so upset about the times tables, and that we think hes brilliant and that we dont care about whether he goes up or down in his ranking (which is why Id said to put it away in the first place). I just feel awful now and have been thinking about it all morning.

Did we deal with it ok? I feel like we were too harsh on him. I try to be respectful and fair with the kids but feel like Ive messed up.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 06/03/2024 13:21

I agree with your DH. maybe not the shouting , but there is a need to be firm especially in response to a 9 year.

You don't get to push people or be violent when you feel upset. That is not the correct way to manage your emotions and that is what you tell him. There should be a consequences, but thats up to you.

He might need some tools to help him deal with frustration and remind him it's ok to say he needs space when feeling overwhelmed, or to ask not to be touched.
Honestly it's not a great precedent to set that others should apologise for him being violent towards them.

But it's not ok for him to push you in any way. ever.

Zephyry · 06/03/2024 13:24

Males grabbing women's faces or necks is a precursor to serious violence and increases chances of murder. Sorry to be blunt but I would treat it so seriously so your ds learns now it is unacceptable in any circumstances

redalex261 · 06/03/2024 13:28

You are unreasonable to apologise to child for his rude behaviour. You should have told (not asked) him to put the thing away if it was making him upset and frustrated and he should have done it then. By all means offer comfort to an upset child (although in my experience frustration is a different kind of upset and usually cuddles are unwelcome in this scenario). However, your son was out of order in pushing your face away. He needs to learn to manage his emotions - he will not be equipped to do that if you are apologising for rightly telling him off when he needs it.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/03/2024 13:39

Sorry to be blunt but I would treat it so seriously so your ds learns now it is unacceptable in any circumstances

Absolutely. If my son had ever done this to me at 9, the riot act I would have read him would've been permanently engraved upon his brain. What your son did was a physical assault.

Original poster
Halfmanhalfcake · 06/03/2024 13:43

Thank you all for your feedback. My DH did read him the riot act. I think I was so shocked that I didnt know what to do.
I appreciate everyones comments. Like I said, I think sometimes I struggle with appropriate responses to some situations. This is the first time something like this has happened. I will talk to him this evening about how he handled it and what he needs to do if he feels frustrated. Thank you again. I do appreciate it.

OP posts:
ClockTiger · 06/03/2024 14:32

It’s particularly hard if your mother wasn’t good at these things, but as the parent of two ADHD children, I recognise that some children get really “embedded” in what they’re doing, whether they’re enjoying it or not (and computer programmes and games are designed to be addictive, even if they’re educational and the children are NT).

When they have to end, even adults struggle to put screens down (witness “doom scrolling”) so a child, hooked into the screen, emotional about “failing” and possibly who hasn’t yet learned all the emotional regulation tools adults have, might well put up a hand to block you that becomes a pushing away motion, and suddenly they find they’re pushing you away by your face.

Absolutely have a word with them about how that’s unacceptable and unsafe, but you can also start watching their body language for how best to communicate limits and transitions for them.

Good luck, OP Flowers

pollu8 · 06/03/2024 14:36

He pushed you in the face so you apologised to him.

What a message to send.

Saying that, I wouldn't keep rehashing it. He's been told firmly. And you now know to watch out for how you deal with bad behaviour.

Desecratedcoconut · 06/03/2024 14:43

Is this times tables rock stars? It's really stressy and competitive. It got really out of hand in my son's class last year 🫣

BenefitWaffle · 06/03/2024 14:46

You are a bit gentle with him.
Children are supposed to feel upset if they are told they did something they should not have.

BenefitWaffle · 06/03/2024 14:48

I think you talking to him again makes this out to be an enormous deal. It is not. Your DH rightly read him the riot act. But that should be the end of it.
It is the kind of behaviour that needs to be quickly stamped on, but not dragged out. I would leave it now.

Original poster
Halfmanhalfcake · 06/03/2024 14:52

@Desecratedcoconut yes!

ok @BenefitWaffle I can see that. I’ll take that on board.

OP posts:
Beamur · 06/03/2024 14:52

It was an upsetting event all round.
I'd want to talk it through too. Reflect a little on what went wrong, hard no about the pushing - no apology needed from you OP and make sure everyone is ok, all is forgiven and that we don't do this again.

MadamVastra · 06/03/2024 14:53

9!!!! Christ woman he will quickly become bigger than you. No way should you have walked away or said sorry - and I don't think his dad should have stepped in. It teaches him that men have control and he only needs to listen to them.

andthat · 06/03/2024 15:02

OP my kids have a similar times table app (times table rock stars by any chance?). If your son is ordinarily well behaved then I'd consider that he's feeling pressured around his performance.

It's interesting to me that people worry about the addictive nature of video games, but in the name of education, gloss over the fact that these apps have a similar impact on some kids.

Tell him that its wrong to push - but be understanding about how the 'competition' element of these apps can be difficult for some children and the pressure feels too much in the moment - as you've experienced.

Topseyt123 · 06/03/2024 15:07

Aquamarine1029 · 06/03/2024 12:54

I had a chat with him and said that we love him and that I was sorry I had given him a cuddle when he obviously hadnt wanted one.

Good grief. Your son was extremely rude, disrespectful, and he physically touched you in a way that is totally unacceptable. Why are you grovelling to him? He should be apologising to you.

We shouldn't teach our kids not to be angry, instead we need to teach them how to be angry. Your husband was absolutely right in telling him off.

Edited

Absolutely agree.

Why the hell did you apologise to your DS? He was the one who was rude and disrespectful to you, with behaviour that was bordering on violent. He should have been the one apologising to you and learning that this behaviour is not OK. Instead, you have given him the opposite message there by apologising for nothing and cuddling him!!

Your DH handled it just right and you were far too wishy-washy. You need to nip this shit in the bud now. You certainly don't want him doing this to people as a teenager and young adult. He could injure someone.

To be honest, I'd retract the apology and read him the riot act.

takealettermsjones · 06/03/2024 15:19

I think the apology from OP models emotional maturity, personally. Shows him that it's not about winning or losing, it's about reflecting on what you did and what you could have done differently.

Couldyounot · 06/03/2024 15:20

If it's that TT Rock Stars app it causes all manner of strife in this house too. Raising a hand isn't great though

BenefitWaffle · 06/03/2024 15:34

@takealettermsjones I agree that apologising to children when you have done something wrong is good. But OP apologised to her son because he was upset about being told off. She should not have apologised. Children are supposed to be upset at being told they have done something wrong. If they did not care or thought it was a joke then you have lost control.

takealettermsjones · 06/03/2024 15:45

BenefitWaffle · 06/03/2024 15:34

@takealettermsjones I agree that apologising to children when you have done something wrong is good. But OP apologised to her son because he was upset about being told off. She should not have apologised. Children are supposed to be upset at being told they have done something wrong. If they did not care or thought it was a joke then you have lost control.

I thought she apologised to him for hugging him when he didn't want her to?

Original poster
Halfmanhalfcake · 06/03/2024 16:22

Yes, to clarify I apologised for hugging him when he didn’t want one.

OP posts:
Sorrentino · 06/03/2024 16:42

BenefitWaffle · 06/03/2024 14:48

I think you talking to him again makes this out to be an enormous deal. It is not. Your DH rightly read him the riot act. But that should be the end of it.
It is the kind of behaviour that needs to be quickly stamped on, but not dragged out. I would leave it now.

I agree, but I think the message may have got communicated is that 'if you're violent to a woman/mum, she apologises and you only get in trouble if a man/dad is around' is something that needs addressing post haste. I understand the desire to leave it, but DS needs to understand that mum deserves respect in her own right and dad's absence isn't carte blanche to push mum around;

BenefitWaffle · 06/03/2024 17:22

Ah okay sorry. Your apology was fine, but you should have included that he was wrong to put his hand in your face.

Gettingonmygoat · 06/03/2024 19:04

At 9 years old i would have read him the riot act. He needs to know in no uncertain terms that he does not treat anyone that way. Put a stop to this behaviour, don't soft soap it. IN less than a years time he will be criminally responsible for his actions. You do not want him to be that boyfriend, partner, husband. And now is when he learns, so stop the wishy washy chatting and give him hell. You apologising to him (for doing nothing wrong) has just shown him that women are always in the wrong and he has the right to shut them down by physically shutting them up.

Vgbeat · 06/03/2024 19:09

He physically pushes you and you think you've been unfair, no you haven't. Kids need boundaries and if you've told him to stop something reasonably then you haven't done anything wrong. Interesting reading this post and the previous one about teachers leaving because of children's and parents behaviour

pilates · 06/03/2024 19:12

I agree with your husband