DH loses temper over small things

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I (F53) and DH (M65) have been together for over 25 years. We have two adult DCs and one young DD (F7). DH is now retired and I work, but we still have paid childcare after school; in school holidays we have childcare or I work half days and she watches TV the other half day. He never takes her out anywhere. He has mobility issues but won’t seek help – might need a knee replacement. My main problem is that DH gets angry very quickly over tiny things e.g. recently blew up because I didn’t understand what he meant when we were dismantling an item of furniture. Shouting ‘push the button’ several times then ‘just push the f button’. I walked away and said I wasn’t helping if he was going to shout and he shouted ‘f off then’. This was in front of my family and was humiliating for me.
I considered leaving him before DD was born. I'm now thinking about this again. He has good points – he’s intelligent, he does the cooking, and can be good company. But I can’t tolerate the rages over the tiniest thing and the lack of self-perception – he generally blames us for his temper, saying ‘if you/DD hadn’t done x/y/z then I wouldn’t have got angry’. Sometimes it’s a few days between blow-ups and sometimes several months, and he has shouted at our DD too. He refuses to seek counselling. AIBU to think of leaving him. I know he won’t leave the house though so don’t know how this would work.

As soon as you hear his voice start to shout - leave the room.
Be as if you can not hear it.
Have no tolerance for that type of communication.

It is very rude and terrible that your DH doesn't show polite control. Does he suffer chronic pain or high blood pressure?

That sounds very hard, he's not bringing a lot to the table

Bloody hell and he's going to get a lot worse as he gets older. I can't believe you're paying for childcare when he isn't at work.

You are in the prime of your life and you are stuck in the house with an aggressive bully. Is this how you want your daughter to see relationships?

What is he like with other people? Did he shout at work colleagues, friends or his family? Is there any other factors that might make it worse such as stress, alcohol, tiredness etc (none are excuses obviously). Was he always like this?
Do you ever shout?
Personally I can't stand shouting and I can't stand people who loose their temper. It's so pathetic and childish.

Do you find it makes you nervous?
What did everyone say when he blew up in front of other people?
I'd seriously be thinking of leaving.

My Dad was generally a nice loving man but he was short with my Mum sometimes. We all told him he was a knob for being like that but he carried on. It was infrequent but as they got older I could see what it did to my Mum. She couldn't leave him but now my Dad has died she has really come out of her shell. We are good at talking about everything so all acknowledge what he was like both good and bad.

You are only 53. He could be around for another 30 or more years. You may end up being his carer. What do you picture that would look like?

What does your daughter think? Does she resent you at all for putting up with your husband? Do you and her do things to appease him?

Thanks for the replies :). He has high BP but takes medication. He drinks half a bottle of red wine a night and sometimes more. He used to argue with work colleagues sometimes. I can shout too - think better to say what you think than bottle it up ;). But his is different - he goes from 0 to 100 in seconds and shouts v. loudly plus swears easily so it comes across as v. aggressive. Feel I'm often trying to anticipate issues to avoid the belittling comments ('why did you do it that way'). He can't deal with the slightest level of stress and catastrophises.

DD is too small to know any different, though will say 'why is daddy shouting'. I just think it would be easier on my own than dealing with this - and yes, he'll end up in a mobility scooter if he carries on ignoring the walking issues. He cycles and drives so he does the food shop but there's so much we can't do together because he can't walk well enough e.g. would like a dog but I'd have to do all the walks.

I'm afraid I could have written your post. It's the unfairness and unpredictability that gets to me.
I would leave and I say that as someone who somehow feels responsible for my husband and hard to leave him.

I think the concern is your DD will start to pick up on it and moderating her behaviour so that Daddy doesn't shout.

The alcohol probably isn't helping his mood.

It sounds like it would be easier on your own.

Probably a good idea to get some legal advice and fully understand what your circumstances are/will be. Then, if you decide to separate you’ll be in a better position to act as quickly as you need to.
No one really understands the inside of someone else’s relationship, but it does sound like he’s setting off down a particular road. If you allow yourself to condone this by staying with him you’ll likely become increasingly unhappy, your DD will struggle at this formative age in the atmosphere, and you’re denying yourself a chance at a more enriching life. We only get one go remember.

I'm sorry. This sounds really difficult.

My ExH was like this.

Some things that worked for me:

Sitting down and having a calm conversation that I wasn't going to accept being shouted at and that if he did it the children and I would leave the house, either for the afternoon or for overnight if we felt he was too difficult to be around

Making clear to him that if he doesn't change his behaviour you are seriously considering divorce

I also encouraged him to find some hobbies and friends as it was clear he was lonely and drinking because he felt sad.

It worked for a while, but he found it hard to change and eventually there was an incident after he'd be drinking all evening where he hurt one of the kids and I just couldn't take it any more.

Your kid will be damaged by the man already, cortisol flooding her brain damages kids for life- I speak from experience. She'll also be feeling like she has to try to protect you, walking on eggshells, and learning to appease angry men. You're both teaching her these awful things.
Get the divorce started and get the child in to therapy if she's not already. The house will be sorted as part of the divorce, it'll either need sold, or one buys the other out.

My DM is the kind of person who blows up like this over small things although it's not always predictable. It has had a huge impact on my life and my relationships. My DH is no like that at all but I still worry about how he'll react to things and feel like I'm walking on eggshells even though he's never shouted or got angry with me in the 15 years we've been together. Something needs to change, not least for your daughter's sake.

Wikivorce

Divorce for Dummies

You're teaching your child that it's normal for men to shout, be unkind, be selfish and intimidate to get their own way. And that it's normal for women to try to appease men and to stay with them even if they shout at them, are unkind to them, are selfish and always expect to get their own way. Men should get what they want and women should facilitate that. That's the lesson:

The longer you stay the more likely it is you'll watch this play out as it almost always does and see your daughter choose an angry, unkind and selfish partner in future. You'll watch that partner shout at her in front of you. Watch her looking sad and confused when she sees couples who don't behave like that and blame herself for not being in a relationship that is happy and healthy.

Wouldn't that break your heart? Wouldn't you rather she knew women have equal worth to men and it's better to be single and happy than in a crap relationship where you're treated badly and shouted at?

She's 7. If you end the relationship now you can model healthy behaviour to you whenever she is with you. The longer you leave it the harder that will be.

Sorry you see in this situation OP.
I hope you find a way to happiness for you and dd and dh come to that. It may take drastic steps and I wish you the courage to follow that path

DD is too small to know any different, though will say 'why is daddy shouting'

She isn't too small for it to have a really negative effect on her.

He drinks half a bottle of red wine a night and sometimes more

Do you drink too? Can you get him to stop?

@NiceHairPin its not on OP to get this man to do anything. She needs to prioritise her poor kid.

If you shout too you can't get bothered by him doing it. You need to have a discussion about how to communicate

Can you afford to chat to a solicitor about what would happen legally?

Some offer free half hours.

I don't know how you live with that level of unpleasantness.

I got him down from a bottle a day x 6 days a week to 1/2 a bottle when I threatened to leave previously. He does exceed this quite often though. I drink but maybe 2 glasses and rarely on work nights.

Yes, I shout but not at anything like the same volume and I don't flip out at tiny things and lose control.

Any thoughts on divorcing, and your child being exposed to this toxic, damaging environment?

Sounds like you want out, deep down. Doo you want this atmosphere for your DC? I don't think it will be likely to improve as he gets older and you have late teens when he's nearing 80. Still time to be happy without this form of abuse.

This is exactly what I learned in childhood, grew up to have 2 very abusive relationships over 23 years before ending it. By that time I had PTSD and MH illness. Doesn't need to be that way.

Effing leave, if you can. Why not? Intolerable "angry" guy. Lol.
Have a life for yourself, it's not too late! 😊

I can promise that your DD is old enough to feel uneasy and that you are modelling to her how much shouting is reasonable to put up with. If school tell you she’s told someone to “F* off” and she thinks that’s OK because that’s what Daddy says, how are you going to feel? I can remember my parents arguing in the 1970s and feeling terrified.