Am I being and asshole daughter?

[Bibblybumblebee]

Ok if I’m being an asshole I’d like to know.

I’ll keep this as short as possible.

My mum is in her late 70s, widowed. Lives about 30mins away on her own.
She has some friends that she sees regularly, does a couple of social clubs and slimming world. She also attends church.
She complains she is very lonely- and I do feel that for her

I am a mum of 1. I work everyday including Saturdays apart from I have Tuesdays off.
I have a daughter that goes to dance twice a week for 4 hours in total, swim club and Brownies. I then have the housework and laundry and cooking to do (husband doesn’t do any of this- not what this thread is about) My husband works long hours at a very stressful job and also has health problems.

On my day off my mum expects to see me- all day until I’ve got to do the school run. She wants me to take her out for coffees, wander round the shops - anything!

if I tell her I can’t see her - I might want to see a friend on my day off or I might be ill- sometimes I just want to be on my own to get some of my own jobs done - she gets incredibly emotional and upset.

Shes making me feel so trapped - I love her but I don’t enjoy her company as I resent it.

AIBU? Am i an absolute asshole?

I do also have her up for dinner every Sunday.

I feel like my day off is my day to do what I need to do (usually housework and errands)

Also she doesn’t drive so relies on me to pick her up and drive her home or drive to wherever she needs to go

Why "asshole" and not unreasonable?We're not on Reddit you know.

But, no you're not being unreasonable to want a day off with out her.

That does sound difficult

Could you sometimes bring her Back to yours to enable you to get jobs done at home.

I think she needs to compromise a little here too.

The older generation dont always realise what's involved with work these days so make ends meet.

Could you get a cleaner to take some load off?

I dont think you are being unreasonable though.

No, you’re not an asshole, but you and your mum are at very different stages. You’re busy, she isn’t.

Unfortunately, as we age, it’s easy to get like this. I think you have to set out some expectations. You need to be gentle, but make it clear you need some time for yourself.

On the premise that at your age (now) your mum was doing what she wanted and needed to do with her free time, without interference from her own mother, tell her as kindly as you can, to back off.

Seems like she’s got plenty of social stimulus and interaction in her life.

Maybe one Tuesday afternoon (only) a month would be more manageable, esp as you’re having her for Sunday lunch.
Stand your ground! She’s being suffocating and needs to be told.

Could you alternate ? Sunday lunch every other , see her on your day off , again not weekly , maybe also bring in she comes to you when you collect you dc from school , you go back to hers all have dinner together and then you and dc to home.

I'd just tell her you are working Tuesdays too.
How would she know any different?

Not really relevant but I hate this Reddit Am I an Asshole thing rather than than our more measured AIBU.

Because neither of you are assholes. She is taking up too much of your precious free time, can she get a bus to yours rather than traveling all the time ?
Have you tried talking to her about how exhausted you are and how you need to spend time occasionally with your friends? Or maybe just set up a new pattern - DM I just can't get everything done, I'm going to have to either visit you once a fortnight instead of weekly if you want me to stay all day, or make my visits shorter if I continue to come weekly.

I agree with pp just tell her you are starting working Tuesdays too as need the money. How would she know ?

I get her food shopping delivered and also her medications.
She not very mobile so I think she gets angry as her other friends are much more mobile than her.
She has a cleaner and a gardener - so she doesn’t expect me to clean and garden for her.

She will call me at the end of the day and say “I haven’t called you today as I understand you have your own family to sort out”

She calls me with ‘Emergencies to try and get me over there ’, eg. Someone has stolen one of her recycling bins and I need to come over and find it 😵‍💫

My house is a pit half the time and she will complain that her cushions aren’t straight or a mug isn’t facing the right way.

Shes never had elderly parents both died before she was 25.

Sorry for the Reddit asshole thing - noted and won’t do it again.

Sorry to pick on you and actually with your update, your DM is being a bit of an asshole.

I'm afraid you're just going to have to accept her criticism and start doing what is right for you and your family. It sounds like she has a decent enough social life, so yes if she doesn't speak to you for a few days it's genuinely not the end of the world.

You need to start putting yourself first.Of course if it's a genuine emergency then help her out, but once a week for Sunday lunch and a short weekly or longer fortnightly visit is more than enough on top of that.

At the minute she's pressing your buttons because it works, try agreeing in your own head what is reasonable and don't do any more than that.

I'm assuming you are the only child nearby? If not your siblings need to step up.

Tell her how stretched you are.
How you're becoming exhausted
How you have less social life than she does.

Tell her you love her.

Tell her you need to have the occasional Thursday to yourself to catch up on rest, friends, dentist, haircut, your own garden and housework.

Remind her you love her.

You're not being selfish or unreasonable. You're prioritising some time for yourself. You're compromising.

Do you have siblings?

No siblings - so it’s just me

On the Elderly Parents board (it's hidden away in Other) there's a long running thread called The Cockroach Cafe. Come and join us for rants and possibly useful suggestions from those of us who have the t-shirt. We've had to expand the bad daughter's bench into a whole room and are likely to need an extension soon.

How does she meet up with friends/get to church? If she doesn't drive could she get a bus to yours, idk maybe help you with a couple of your household chores, quick coffee, head home? Trailing round the shops would be my idea of hell too?!
Could you alternate the tuesdays/sundays so that you're not seeing her twice a week?

Whilst I understand she's lonely could you have a calm chat with her about you not being able to get everything done when you have so little free time?

YANBU to want time to yourself. Another only child here and I know therefore that pull of trying to support elderly parents and still look after yourself, and your dd.

It is amazing how old age seems to catch people unawares, and how they don't plan ahead, but maybe I'll be the same one day.

You can only do what you can do. A day off to yourself is not unreasonable - Sunday or Tuesday. It's also not unreasonable to expect Mum to get a taxi one way either to you, or home again. She won't want to, but it's a good habit to develop now n then.

If she gets into that habit, she could perhaps taxi across occasionally to some of dds activities to watch, so that you can kill two birds with one stone . . .

It's also good to get dd in on the act. She does lots of activities so plan for her to phone Grandma once a week to tell her what she's been up to. (Or even better, write a weekly letter with pictures so that mum can reread it.)

Best of luck.

Apologies - Ive just seen your update about her mobility and her neediness so maybe the bus isnt an option!?
Cockroach cafe board is a good place to vent - many of us there are stretched everywhichway with DC, DPs, family and work.

It’s really hard.

But YANBU. I think you have no choice but to be open, honest and straightforward and say much as you know it upsets her you simply do not have time to commit to seeing her on Tuesdays. The fact that picking her up and dropping her on Sundays is 2 hours driving is a massive claim on your time. And that is your only full day off with your Dd.

She has friends and activities, you can’t be expected to fill the hole that is a fact of life: widowhood, growing older and less able.

It’s tough but you don’t need to feel guilt.

I can relate OP my mum was like this too. I’d feel so guilty if I took a day off without telling her and spent the day terrified she’d phone me at work and find out! This was pre mobile phones. I went round to see her every Tuesday, Thursday evening and Sunday afternoon, and DH and I took her to the supermarket on Saturdays. Often I’d book a day off to take her into town shopping and when I arrived to collect her she’d say she didn’t feel like going shopping. Could you set up an account with a taxi firm for her? I think some taxi companies will let you do this.

Thank you

She gets people to pick her up and drop her home. She will give them flowers and gifts and I think she does it so they also feel trapped into driving her about.

The vicar arranged my mum’s transport through volunteers.

I hate shops - she could spend all day in them - spending money on crap she doesn’t need with money she doesn’t have

I’ve taken secret days off work- I’ve then told my work colleagues if my mum calls to say I’m in a meeting 🫣

Something I try to remember with my (elderly) family is that their expectations are not my obligations.

Yes they would like me to visit a million times a week. I'd like George Clooney to give me a foot rub. That doesn't mean it's going to happen.

Her expectations are unreasonable. You don't have the time. She'd like the company, you can understand her want, without having to accommodate her. Your NEEDS outweigh her WANTS. And in fact, your WANTS outweigh her WANTS.