Am I being and asshole daughter?

[Bibblybumblebee]

Ok if I’m being an asshole I’d like to know.

I’ll keep this as short as possible.

My mum is in her late 70s, widowed. Lives about 30mins away on her own.
She has some friends that she sees regularly, does a couple of social clubs and slimming world. She also attends church.
She complains she is very lonely- and I do feel that for her

I am a mum of 1. I work everyday including Saturdays apart from I have Tuesdays off.
I have a daughter that goes to dance twice a week for 4 hours in total, swim club and Brownies. I then have the housework and laundry and cooking to do (husband doesn’t do any of this- not what this thread is about) My husband works long hours at a very stressful job and also has health problems.

On my day off my mum expects to see me- all day until I’ve got to do the school run. She wants me to take her out for coffees, wander round the shops - anything!

if I tell her I can’t see her - I might want to see a friend on my day off or I might be ill- sometimes I just want to be on my own to get some of my own jobs done - she gets incredibly emotional and upset.

Shes making me feel so trapped - I love her but I don’t enjoy her company as I resent it.

AIBU? Am i an absolute asshole?

I do also have her up for dinner every Sunday.

I feel like my day off is my day to do what I need to do (usually housework and errands)

Send her links to do at home hobbies and tell her to let you know how she gets on-fake interest here if necessary.. . Any craft stuff she could be making for you /the church/charity? One of my neighbours knits. Huge amounts of gross /weird /'squinty eyed leering wooly perverts! (Dinner ladies)!!) animals for charity sales..

I think you're doing too much for her. Daily phone calls, Sunday lunches and then your day off too.

It's very hard to give people less though, she is likely to want more and more as she gets older. Her want is not your responsibility to manage.

That's why it's so important that you establish your boundaries now and stick to them.

You need time off for yourself - you need it for your own mental health and stress levels. If not you will become resentful and possibly unwell. This will have a negative impact on your family.

You need to have a hard conversation with her about what you have time for. How about 2 phone calls a week, 2 Sunday lunches a month and one day off a month? It would be way too much for me personally.

As to the emergencies - will she use text or email? That way you can assess it briefly to see if it's true or a ruse to take more of your time.

It's not going to get better without hard and maybe even harsh conversations.

Have you tried reminding your mum of her own situation when you were your DC's age? Was she working full time, doing all the housework and expected to give her one day off to an elderly relative? Tell her that you love spending the time with her but you only have that one day to split between all these things ( list them). Ask her what she would do in that situation. Put the ball in her court. It might help her understand.

YANBU at all. Dinner on Sundays is enough.

Could you lie and say you work Tuesdays as well now? 😂

She's very entitled. Its all about her and she isn't making any allowances for your (perfectly reasonable and normal) needs.

From what you say she seems quite manipulative and certainly is successfully guilt tripping you.

Another board to look at here is the Stately Homes thread. There are many of us on there with parents, usually mothers, who think it's alright to treat their daughters abusively because they brought them to Stately Homes, sent them to private school, bought them clothes to wear or whatever. The message given is that the child owes the parent for being born.

Could you not ask her to pick your daughter up a few days a week and meet you at yours, couldn't she get the bus, have dinner at yours problem solved. X