To think this is a weird thing to think

[3bagsofwool]

Sister received a handmade gift from a colleague. It was a painting. She sent me a photo of it.

Husband saw it and replied "if that's from a male colleague he fancies her."

Of all the responses, that's a weird first thought to come into his head, no?

I mean I don't think I would even think it was from a man in the first place, given the painting was of flowers. But he said he thought it might be from a man because of the name. The name was an ethnic name but ended in A ie. the person's name was Saleha.

I don't know if the following is helpful context or backstory:

• Husband and I haven't had the best of times together lately. We seem to just not be on the same page about anything.
• This comment about someone fancying my sister bothers me. Maybe from a place of sibling jealousy, but also maybe because my H was not the kindest about my looks once upon a time.
• If I'm completely objective, both me and my sister are quite plain to look at, but with makeup on, we both look nice.
• If a man has ever done something nice or complimented me and I wondered if he was perhaps being more than friendly, husband might reply something like "women always think men are flirting when they're just being nice" etc.

Without seeing the painting it’s impossible to tell why he jumped to that conclusion really, but it does seem a huge leap to assume the painter fancies your sister if they are male. Does it look like 100’s of hours work or something?

You describe the scenario as he just happened to see the photo and came out with that....but he had to know it was a gift from a colleague and he knew/saw the name....so I am guessing you were discussing it albeit briefly.
It which case its not an unusual comment.

To be honest OP, I can imagine my (lovely) DH saying the same thing! Is it really that bad a thing to say? I think maybe you're reading too much into it because of other problems in your marriage?

No idea about the painting but your husband sounds quite mean…

Plain looking ?everyone is beautiful

It sounds like a weirdly arbitrary thing to say, unless the flowers are very obviously sexual, like a Georgia O’ Keene. (Nd even then…)

Doesn't he just mean that only a colleague who fancies your sister would have gone to the trouble of painting her something for her birthday? It's a very personal present isn't it?

I'm not sure what your perceived level of attractiveness has to do with the situation, sorry.

To be fair I’m with him, I mean who buys someone a painting unless it’s someone really close.

is the issue the fact it’s he immediately thinks someone would fancy her? So you’re jealous? As that’s fairly extreme.

The way your dh speaks to you and his general attitude (given in your bullet point examples) means that he makes you feel deeply insecure and unattractive.

Thats the issue here, and putting you down frequently and being unkind about your appearance is a form of emotional abuse; designed to belittle you and keep you in your place.

It’s touched a nerve because your dh has repeatedly told you no men would ever fancy you.

He wasn't too kind about ger looks once upon a time could mean anything.....given she is upset about this comment. Some men think "banter" is OK
The comment about being plain is her words not his.
The comment about flirting is probably defensive/protective but also true. Not every compliment is flirting.

I mean....if a man (or woman) pays me a complimentI wouldn't mention it to anyone, not even my husband, let alone wonder out loud if they were being more than friendly?
Rather than fly into a jealous rage or make a joke your husband says "no he's just being friendly, not everything is flirting" what did you want him to say? "Yeah you're right , you should call him"??
It's a very odd conversation to have with your husband.
Jealousy seems to be one sided here to be honest.

I think it's an interpretation based on his own mindset, i.e. "I wouldn't go to all that effort for someone unless I fancied her."

In itself there is nothing wrong with that view, but your post points to deeper issues with him being negative about your looks in unrelated conversations.

Do you know the op? As she has not said that? I can’t for a moment think why you’d write such a thing unless you know her? There is no other way to know this.

You've put a lot of thought into this, iwould say it's misdirected as you said you and your husband aren't getting on so well i think you're putting a lot on to one comment and the relationship is what needs the attention.

I don’t think a husband making unkind comments about their wife’s appearance can “mean anything”
It’s a put down even if dressed up as banter. Clearly it’s stayed with op and has eroded her self esteem

Not every compliment is flirting
If we follow that logic then giving a colleague the compliment of painting them a picture as a gift is also not to be construed as “flirting”.

If op’s dh continually makes digs that men wouldn’t find op attractive then of course she’s going to be hurt if he immediately assumes men fancy her sister.

Its skewed thinking but I think your dh has fucked your head up and made you very insecure.

This is what really stands out from the OP to me. No one looks better with make up, just socially more conventionally acceptable.

I bet the Op and her sister have lovely faces without make up on!

I think this has triggered something internal for you. What kind of comments did he make about your appearance?

why do you feel like you’re in competition with your sister?

😂
Yes that’s right I’m her sister, you got me.

Ive given my take on the situation; based on op’s few examples of her dh’s attitude.

I personally think he is subtly bullying his wife and belittling her and this is the result- low self esteem and second guessing everything.

You’re welcome to disagree without asking daft questions.

This.

I once arrived at work to find a random painting at my work station. It was pretty creepy, as it was a Picasso style portrait of me. My skin looked a weird greenish colour.
It wasn't particularly flattering. It had clearly taken a while to paint and someone had clearly gone to a lot of effort.

I passed a colleague I barely knew and he said, "did you get your pressie? Hope you liked it! Took me ages to get right!".

It became a bit of a laughing stock. Every single colleague who saw it/heard about it instantly burst out laughing and said "oh he definitely fancies you!" or something like "you got a painting from C? That means he lurrrrrvvvesss you!".

I also have female friends who are artists who give out paintings/artwork as gifts and no one ever says the equivalent about them! I think they are just seen as "thoughtful" and "generous", being "ladies".

C did fancy me btw, creep.

Honestly hope you didn’t hurt yourself with such a hyperbolic leap.😂

Ok maybe I’m wrong. No need to be a smart arse about it 😬

Op’s poor self image and insecurity may be nothing to do with her dh’s behaviour or comments.

On the face of it, “painting gate” is a trivial non issue. There must be some underlying issue if it’s triggered all these negative feelings.

Oh dear OP the only issue here is your self esteem. You only look nice with makeup? And you think the same about your sister? Wheres this coming from- is it a childhood thing? Sounds like you need some counselling for your own self esteem and possibly marriage counselling if you want to work on your relationship with DH.

A man spending hours on a painting to give to a woman he works with.

Let's put it this way, IME, a man wouldn't spend several hours making a hand crafted gift for a female colleague because she never clogs the photocopier...

From your bullet points it sounds like:

You've always felt bad about your looks

You think your sister is more attractive than you

You often talk with your husband about men who might be flirting with you. (your final point)

I genuinely can't see how any of that is remotely connected to the gift.

Your husband might be right. The painter might fancy your sister.

Apart from that...so what?