Should I respond to ex or not?

[omghesbackagain]

Regular poster but NC. Back in 2019, I was in a relationship I thought was the one. Madly in love with him. Only together 1 year but we were early 30s, making plans to move in together, talk about marriage in the future, all his friends and family said it was the happiest they'd seen him. Only complication was I was separated (2 ys at that point), and going through a divorce (that he was aware of). It was amicable and had been my decision, my ex had moved on, there was no drama except randomly towards the end it got a bit heated over a property we owned. And I was stressed about it which seemed to upset this bf.

The divorce came through and it was the day I had to move some last bits from the house I sold to my exH. This guy insisted on helping me, hired a van, and I checked multiple times he was ok with it - said he was. On the day itself, no show. No message, completely uncontactable, and I had to show up at my ex's alone who ended up having to help me move (with his new partner's help) as the f*r hadn't even given me enough notice to hire a van. Heard from him 6 hours later saying he had been too hungover, but actually he wasn't sure he could deal with my 'demands' aka me messaging asking where he was, and broke up with me.

I was devastated and confused. Covid hit a month later. He got back in contact to 'check on me' and we started talking every day. I asked him point blank if we were getting back together and he told me he wasn't ready to commit until I had therapy to deal with my feelings over the divorce - he couldn't let go of it (!!!). Had an argument, he hung up on me. And then blocked me. This was Apr 2020. Hurt like hell at the time, not so much the break up but this horrible way he did it both times.

After almost FOUR YEARS of zero contact from him, I've now had a message asking how i am and whether i was interested in meeting for closure, but he'd understand if not....!!!

The kicker is I get married next month to my wonderful DP and we are in the process of buying a house together - happiest I've ever been. In the early days of the break up, I'd fantasise about him reaching out and what I'd say to him/how I'd feel. Turns out I feel nothing but mild irritation that he's arrogant enough to think I'm still holding out for closure...

So AIBU for not wanting to respond and ghost him like he did me all those years go? OR should I send a brief thanks but no thanks? What would you do? Meeting him is definitely not an option as it just feels weird and don't want to open a can of worms.

I would just ignore. If he then contacts again I would say no thanks, I wouldn't tell him anything about getting married as it's irrelevant to him being a dick who thinks he is so important that 4 years later you are still looking for closure.

While I would LOVE to do this I think the best way to deal with it is to say no thanks and then block or just block.

It really doesn't matter about the backstory here but I feel you typed that out more for you so you get it out your system. I hope you have a great future with your current bloke. Don't look back.

That sounds like the only reason she's not meeting up is because she's getting married. There's no need to let this bloke know this. It won't achieve anything.

That's classy

I wouldn't reply. Wouldn't block either (yet - I would if he sent anything else). I'd just leave it on read and forget about it. Literally would do NOTHING. Not even click the "block" button.

I can see one singular PP who has said something along the lines that not replying looks like you are more bothered. I don't think I've ever known anybody else interpret silence or a lack of response in that way. It's universally a clear sign that you're disengaged from someone, which is evident from the scores of other people in this thread telling you the same.

You have to remember the kind of guy you are dealing with. Any kind of response at all from you will be proof to him that you are thinking of him. He is so arrogant and so conceited that whatever you say, he will read "I'm still totally hung up on you" and he will somehow, expertly, be able to grab a little power play for himself. These men are pros at using women to boost their little egos. If you respond to him at all, you hand him this opportunity. Once he's illicited a response from you, he will know that he's got under your skin. At the moment, you are at the only point where you hold all the power. So use it. Just ignore him.

Yes totally agree. Any reply about your wedding or how you don't need closure etc implies that you've given it some thought in the first place. Also mentioning that you've clocked it's been 4 years might be a bit uncool; like you've been counting the hours. Just leave it and don't waste any more of your time!

Is there any chance that he's got wind of your impending wedding? Could he be malicious enough to want to spoil things for you? I'd be very suspicious of this timing after 4 years and completely ignore him, to be honest. Otherwise, a simple "no thanks" as a PP suggested. Don't feed his ego.

Just to add, as tempting as it is to tell him about your wedding, I wouldn’t…hopefully you have any friends in common so that he will find out without you telling him?

But closure for whom - him or you?

You don't need it and why would you care about him & his needs or wishes?

Ignore him.

Ignoring and blocking hurts these types more than any revenge. Anything else allows them to believe they still have some significance, and ignoring them without blocking allows them to keep messing with your head.

"sorry, who is this?"

I’d send something wanky to take the piss out of him like ‘That chapter in my life closed years ago. Thanks but no thanks 👍’

I like this the best!

It wouldn't surprise me if he's heard somehow you are about to get married ... and he's reaching out to muck things up. Do not give him headspace! He behaved badly before, he'll behave badly now and you'll be risking your new relationship for nothing!

This is wonderful please do it.

I’d reply with ….

Who is this?

I would ignore him. He sounds like an arsehole who would take pleasure in knowing he could still provoke a reaction from you all these years later and that would encourage him to continue contacting you. The most crushing message you can send is none at all.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Hope you have a wonderful wedding day.

How about.

“Sorry to hear you are still struggling about how things ended. I have no interest in meeting up but hope your mental health improves soon”. Followed by blocking him.

That should put an end to any gameplaying on his part.

This will hurt his ego the most!

Totally this. Anything more implies that you still give a shit.
hope your wedding is perfect 💐

Block and move on. He’s not worth wasting your time or energy on.

You've never needed closure, and don't now! - by my reading, it's him that's always had the issues/needed the therapy despite him saying it was you!

I would ignore. Although just a simple. 'No thanks' would also be fine I think. I wouldn't engage more though, to use a mumsnet phrase, he seems like hard work.

Text back "who is this?" and then block

I was going to say this.

I had 2 such charming exes (I used to have terrible taste in men 😂). The slightly lesser of the evils was a friend of a friend - when he found out I had a new boyfriend (my now husband) he told my friend he wanted to message me to say sorry for his behaviour, and got her to ask me if this would be ok with me. I just laughed when she told me and said absolutely not, I don’t have any interest in any kind of contact to make him feel better. Never heard from him again 🎉.

The other one sent me a message on FB on the day I updated my profile picture to one of me and my partner. He was just “checking in” (ie, digging for information). I responded with something sassy, thinking it was the right thing to show I had moved on, and he used that as the opportunity to tell me he was back with one of the women he cheated on me with. I learned from that one. So a few years later when he messaged me to “check in” again, it coincided with me putting up a photo of me and my niece. He congratulated me on the birth of my baby (😂😂) and asked why I wasn’t married to the dad yet. He was clearly looking for gaps in my relationship, despite the fact I was not the mother of the baby, and was still very happily with my now husband 😂. There were so many ways I could have responded, but I learned this time, and just blocked. Not heard a bean from him since.

Learn from my experience and honestly don’t give this man a second thought. Block and move on with your day.

Ignore him. You've moved on with your life. Excitedly getting married soon and buying a house. Why drag the past into the present only for him to probably be weird over your happiness.