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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that people who criticise my looks are right?

51 replies

Potentialfutureliverbird · 05/03/2024 20:12

Hi all, new here so please be kind.

I would consider myself well dressed and groomed. I wear smart, quality clothing, have regular haircuts and wear natural makeup every day. I have been told I'm beautiful/stunning/pretty etc (i certainly dont believe it), have a job that requires at least A level qualifications, although it is in a creative field and not that well paid, and am university educated.

However, I've been called a "scruff" or "ugly" so many times, often unwarranted, but it's been the first thing I've been called whenever I've gotten into an argument with a stranger (I know, I know- I'm very feisty and stick up for myself)- either that or it's "look at the state of you?!". I've been called both by both women and men.

The thing is, is that whenever I've been called either, it has always been by a person far "scruffier" or "uglier" than me: Think tracksuit/hoodie wearing, bike riding wrong-uns or overweight, gobby women with about 3 inches of makeup on and their arses hanging out! I grew up on an estate full of these types, but my parents were v hard working and we had a little more than the others, yet no matter what trainers or clothes i wore or how i did my hair i was still called names. I also had very bad acne which didnt help at all.

This has been happening all my life, and I'm now in my early 30s. Where do they get the "scruff" from?! I know I'm silly to for even caring what these idiots think but it still hits a nerve. Or is it something about me or how i might come across that hits a nerve with them? It's just happened so often that I'm starting to think maybe I am "scruffy" or "ugly". Or do i somehow hit a nerve in them and they're projecting their own insecurites? How can i be told i look lovely at one point and then be called a scruff or ugly at another? Which one am I? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
BranchGold · 05/03/2024 20:14

I think I’d be reflecting more on why you keep getting into unpleasant verbal exchanges with people of no relevance in your life.

People who are looking for a fight will regularly just throw out any old insult.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 05/03/2024 20:15

It's an easy, go to insult-usually used by men in my experience. Very rarely is it true so best ignored-also you can't argue with stupid 🤷.

DappledThings · 05/03/2024 20:15

I've never been called scruffy and I certainly am. Why are you getting into so.many situations where people insult you? I don't think that's ever happened to me.

mjf981 · 05/03/2024 20:17

Im going to echo others…why are you getting into verbal fights with strangers?! I’ve never been in one my whole life. How odd.

EmilyTjP · 05/03/2024 20:17

Echoing a previous PP, how often does this happen?!

I can’t think of a single episode of this happening to me in the last 20 odd years! Do you get into verbal arguments a lot?

Londonscallingme · 05/03/2024 20:17

DappledThings · 05/03/2024 20:15

I've never been called scruffy and I certainly am. Why are you getting into so.many situations where people insult you? I don't think that's ever happened to me.

Same! I’m definitely scruffy when not at work and never been called it to my knowledge.

LovelyTheresa · 05/03/2024 20:18

Potentialfutureliverbird · 05/03/2024 20:12

Hi all, new here so please be kind.

I would consider myself well dressed and groomed. I wear smart, quality clothing, have regular haircuts and wear natural makeup every day. I have been told I'm beautiful/stunning/pretty etc (i certainly dont believe it), have a job that requires at least A level qualifications, although it is in a creative field and not that well paid, and am university educated.

However, I've been called a "scruff" or "ugly" so many times, often unwarranted, but it's been the first thing I've been called whenever I've gotten into an argument with a stranger (I know, I know- I'm very feisty and stick up for myself)- either that or it's "look at the state of you?!". I've been called both by both women and men.

The thing is, is that whenever I've been called either, it has always been by a person far "scruffier" or "uglier" than me: Think tracksuit/hoodie wearing, bike riding wrong-uns or overweight, gobby women with about 3 inches of makeup on and their arses hanging out! I grew up on an estate full of these types, but my parents were v hard working and we had a little more than the others, yet no matter what trainers or clothes i wore or how i did my hair i was still called names. I also had very bad acne which didnt help at all.

This has been happening all my life, and I'm now in my early 30s. Where do they get the "scruff" from?! I know I'm silly to for even caring what these idiots think but it still hits a nerve. Or is it something about me or how i might come across that hits a nerve with them? It's just happened so often that I'm starting to think maybe I am "scruffy" or "ugly". Or do i somehow hit a nerve in them and they're projecting their own insecurites? How can i be told i look lovely at one point and then be called a scruff or ugly at another? Which one am I? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

I have noticed that women who idolise people like Katie Price are often very pass remarkable about others' looks. I would pay them no mind. The sort of person who thinks that 'beauty' requires three layers of chavvy orange makeup and wears fluffy sliders to put the bin out is not someone whose opinion on style or beauty I would take seriously.

gamerchick · 05/03/2024 20:18

I too would like to know why you're getting in so many arguments with strangers.

It's the go to insult. Like slut or slag from rejected men. It doesn't really mean much.

ButterflyTable · 05/03/2024 20:18

I’m very scruffy but never been called it, I also don’t get into arguments with random people.

Wendysfriend · 05/03/2024 20:18

They're just jealous of your beauty, you sound amazing and I bet you are stunning and brains too. I often find people get intimidated by my own beauty and tiny figure, so I don't venture out much, no point making the fat, gobby, lard arses feel worse.

Tummytroubles22 · 05/03/2024 20:20

Why Are you arguing and being insulted by so many strangers?

Are you a politician?

MyBreezyPombear · 05/03/2024 20:23

I don't understand why you're getting into so many verbal arguments with people

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 05/03/2024 20:23

Scruffy is a really odd choice of words.

I used to dress immaculately. I honestly don't give a toss at the mo and happily wear loungewear type clothing. I think I look casual, but clean and nice-ish. Never been called anything.

Scruffy to me, makes me think of Boris Johnson hair, dirty nails, holes in tights or ripped clothing. Stained clothing. Ungroomed.

Can you honestly apply any of that to yourself OP?

Original poster
Potentialfutureliverbird · 05/03/2024 20:25

Sorry, I should have said that these comments are often unwarranted and seem to come out of nowhere. I should have also added that the arguments happened when I was younger. I just ignore them now, yet it still happens now and again

OP posts:
WhatWhereWho · 05/03/2024 20:26

You are 'feisty' - often find that people who refer to themselves like this are argumentative and confrontational. As others have said how often are you getting into these arguments? That might be a better question.

People should not be insulting your looks, but how do these arguments unfold where it gets to those insults? People are often looking for something to hurt people with perhaps.

HeddaGarbled · 05/03/2024 20:28

Ugly I can understand as a random insult, but scruffy is an odd one. Are you mishearing? Or is it a local expression?

PonyPatter44 · 05/03/2024 20:28

Sometimes I get into verbal disagreements with people at work (not my colleagues!), and lots of them use "scruffy" as an insult. It really doesn't mean anything about the way you dress, it's just them choosing it as their preferred insult.

Why are you getting into so many slanging matches in the street, though?

NerrSnerr · 05/03/2024 20:28

I am very scruffy but never had a random person tell me. You say you're not argumentative anymore but people have still said it? I'd consider why they're insulting you and steer clear of situations like that again.

Ariona · 05/03/2024 20:29

WhatWhereWho · 05/03/2024 20:26

You are 'feisty' - often find that people who refer to themselves like this are argumentative and confrontational. As others have said how often are you getting into these arguments? That might be a better question.

People should not be insulting your looks, but how do these arguments unfold where it gets to those insults? People are often looking for something to hurt people with perhaps.

Was about to say something similar. I think the problem is you, how are you getting into the very same type of issue from childhood to now? The only constant is you.

Original poster
Potentialfutureliverbird · 05/03/2024 20:30

Yes, I ignore now as most of these people are stupid, yet it still happens.

OP posts:
DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 05/03/2024 20:31

Possibly because of their perception of the way you behave to certain types of people?

My OH can't help self but to give a very disapproving look towards loud/scruffy type of people on the road and in their cars. This in turn is picked up by some of the low-lives and they launch a nasty word or three and more often than not its from women.

takealettermsjones · 05/03/2024 20:31

There's got to be something you're not saying here.

All I can think of is either "feisty" is code for "argumentative and rude" and you're the one slinging insults first, or you're literally talking about childhood/teenage arguments.

If it's neither of the above then there's something else I can't put my finger on. Adults don't generally go about swapping insults with strangers in the street, not enough to notice a pattern in those insults, anyway.

You mention liver birds in your name - are you from Liverpool? Liverpudlian women are known for being very glamorous so if you're not glam in that way, might you seem scruffy in comparison?

MumAsYouAre · 05/03/2024 20:33

Wendysfriend · 05/03/2024 20:18

They're just jealous of your beauty, you sound amazing and I bet you are stunning and brains too. I often find people get intimidated by my own beauty and tiny figure, so I don't venture out much, no point making the fat, gobby, lard arses feel worse.

I was going to write something similar. Must be hard for normal women to cope with us stunners around.

IntoTheMild · 05/03/2024 20:34

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 05/03/2024 20:31

Possibly because of their perception of the way you behave to certain types of people?

My OH can't help self but to give a very disapproving look towards loud/scruffy type of people on the road and in their cars. This in turn is picked up by some of the low-lives and they launch a nasty word or three and more often than not its from women.

Edited

Your OH sounds delightful.

I think scruff must be a regional insult as I have never heard it before, and I think ugly (and fat as another example) are just easy insults to throw at someone you don’t know. Wouldn’t internalise them OP

BranchGold · 05/03/2024 20:34

Is it the case that you’ve remained very near to your childhood home town, so these are people you’ve previously fallen out with and you’ve been labelled as an enemy of the people?!