To not let my nearly 12 year old have all the social media apps

[Lightsideofthemoon]

My DD is 12 next month and has been going on and on and on and on and on about Snapchat, insta and tik tok. I have said no up to now and said she can have one when she is 12 and not tik tok. She is CONSTANTLY nagging about it and saying how strict we are (we aren’t) and actually behaving like a brat - I lost it earlier after she had spent an hour moaning about it and called her spoilt 😬 I feel really bad and will apologise but it was an hour of solid moaning about how unfair her life is that pushed me over the edge.

AARRRGGHH! I hate social media! Am I being overly strict?

Mine have all the social media apps such as tik tok and Snapchat.
It hasn't had a negative effect on them.
Their friends will be showing them stuff on it anyway.

I don't agree with this.

Punishing her for having feelings or an opinion?

Great way to show her that her thoughts don't matter and she should put up and shut up, and to drive a wedge between you. Better to have a decent chat about it - that Annalisa article is great.

Not EVERY child will be negatively impacted by social media. Bit like how some people who smoke 40 a day will live to 100.

Doesn't make it a good idea.

You need to remember that for her the peer pressure is real. My 10yr old god daughter has snap, and has had it for a while which I think is too young but she’s grown up in the social media era and I know my friend feels bad if all their friends have it and they don’t. I let me kids choose for themselves and DD was 14 at least before she got any social media. She’s very sensible and driven academically anyway so I can trust her to manage it (we had a lot of hassle with class what’s app groups when she was year 6 so she’s avoided a lot of social media). She’s very shy and doesn’t need the aggro but I’ve always let my kids decide when they got social media (once in secondary - wouldn’t have allowed it before then)

I feel differently to nearly all here. I don't have a problem with any of this stuff. Ds2 football team chat runs on whataspp. I like WhatsApp! I know some people have the trouble with SM with their kids, but we haven't. If it causes damage, and we all know it can, if your child is heavily affected by it, then it may need monitoring. But it hasn't been a problem to us.

Whilst I completely understand other posters views, I also feel differently to most on here. My almost 16yo DD has managed her SM really well and uses Snapchat and TikTok all the time. We discussed and continue to discuss SM from y5 and she had them all from y7.

From reading posts on here it seems like not everyone is familiar with the apps themselves. I don't use any of them personally but know how they work. As a social worker, Snapchat seems to cause the most problems and with privacy settings on these are very unlikely. The only people seeing men masturbating haven't locked their profiles down. My daughter can only receive snaps from people she knows and has always been very sensible to not add people she doesn't.

I used to do phone monitoring and have always encouraged a very open dialogue. Consequently we have a good relationship and she comes to me with any problems she has on or off SM. SM is her world and learning how to manage it well is a skill.

Going against the grain with TikTok too....private profile and privacy settings on again and although there are definitely things on there that aren't great, on the whole my DD and her friends use it very creatively and have had great fun over the years lip-syncing, creating dances and using all the editing features.

The thing I've always worried most about is my daughter downloading things in secret without my overview or advice and getting into a situation she can't handle and feeling that she can't tell me in case I'm cross or don't understand. Keeping the dialogue open has been my priority and my approach has been to reduce the standoff "hard no" situations. Eg. When she first mentioned Snapchat my initial thinking was "over my cold dead body no!" but instead we had a conversation where I said "I'm worried about xyz happening..." and she researched privacy controls herself and came up with the idea of me monitoring. Sometimes these conversations have resulted in her deciding she's not ready to handle those things yet and other times she's taken on the responsibility of doing what she can to reduce the risks and knows she has me to come to for advice. She often asks me for advice about situations her friends are in too and I am seen as an approachable parent. I am far from liberal and have plenty of boundaries but they know I don't overreact and will help them problem solve.

Having said all of this, I definitely understand the worry and can see why some parents are banning it. Just wanted to present an alternative view At the end of the day we all worry about our children and need to do what we think is best to support and keep them safe.

Yes same here.

Snapchat is a cesspit and should not be used by anyone under 18.

My dsd is 14 and although we're happy for her to have some social media, tik tok and snapchat are NOT allowed. They're so dangerous, especially snapchat. She can make the choice herself once she's left school.

She's far too young for any social media and you shouldn't have to apologise for parenting her properly. Children that have or do everything at a vulnerable young age have nothing to look forward to when they are older and may not come jaded, disenchanted and will be exposed to adult content which may cause emotional problems etc.

She is not your friend, she is your child so treat her as such.

@Jayinthetub s advice is spot on for keeping the dialogue open and being open to seeing the world from their perspective.
@Poppyislost yes we managed perfectly well without phones but that’s because no one had them! Surely you can see that if technology is an integral part of the environment, which it is, then more members of society will use it. I think the “well we managed fine” argument is disingenuous.

I don’t agree. I don’t have WhatsApp or any of those types of apps. People text or call me. I’m not left out.

Id expect my children to be able to call or text. They’re missing nothing by not having a smartphone imo. Most of their friends currently play online games together, mine aren’t allowed to play games at this age, so they do other things together. It’s not an issue.

Friends should be able to include others with different requirements. One of my friends had no phone age 18 and we had to prearrange meets with her. She was never left out. (She was awful at time management though and we had a couple of times where she got the wrong time 😂) We haven’t lost the ability to prearrange as humans nor to write it down so the hilarious issues with my friend are avoided.

@ChaosAndCrumbs and how old are your DC? You must accept that you are the exception not the norm and hence why OPs child is asking

Stand your ground op.

I hate the peer pressure with this. The reality is they can be awful to each other or send dodgy things on WhatsApp only, but at least it's easier to police and not as all consuming as the full tiktok/Snapchat/Instagram/WhatsApp combo.

I have held firm with my yr 8, who admittedly has asked but not moaned like yours. I've recently discovered that she is being picked on by a big group, I knew nothing about it previously. I'm very very glad that Snapchat isn't involved too...

I do accept that, though I find it confusing tbh. My oldest is 8yo and we’ve always had strict screen limits etc and he knows as a teen he will have normal phone not a smart phone. I won’t be changing my mind.

We work in Tech, so it’s not uncommon to not want your children on certain devices in our field. (In our local area, however, it is uncommon.) Technology develops quickly and it often takes damage being done before regulations come in.

Was this because they had a public account is it possible to make it so they can only be contacted by friends? Just asking as my dd is definite for snspchat

@Bythefireside yes. My Dc actually prefer snap as they don't get added to random chat groups. They hate being added to big WAp groups and just leave them. But hate that it shares their number

Social media is cancer for children. It will only shape them in a negative way end of.

she may not understand it now or think it’s fair but you’re doing the right thing. Just tell her you love her and you’re doing it to protect her.

My DD is 12. She has WhatsApp because the phone signal in our house is awful,and otherwise if I am at home she wouldn't be able to contact me. She also has IG which is linked to my account. I check both on a regular basis. I'm lucky that the friends she has are lovely and that really helps. Her phone is set up on a children's account so she can't download anything without me knowing, and I can see how much time she's spending on each app.
My son is 15 and completely uninterested in social media. He has WhatsApp purely because I put it on his phone for the same reasons as my DD.