To not let my nearly 12 year old have all the social media apps

[Lightsideofthemoon]

My DD is 12 next month and has been going on and on and on and on and on about Snapchat, insta and tik tok. I have said no up to now and said she can have one when she is 12 and not tik tok. She is CONSTANTLY nagging about it and saying how strict we are (we aren’t) and actually behaving like a brat - I lost it earlier after she had spent an hour moaning about it and called her spoilt 😬 I feel really bad and will apologise but it was an hour of solid moaning about how unfair her life is that pushed me over the edge.

AARRRGGHH! I hate social media! Am I being overly strict?

I think apologise for snapping but immediately follow up with explaining that there were two problems

1. She didnt accept your answer and going forward how you will handle that e.g. not letting it get to half hour, instead she will be told no, told a second time to respect your answer, a third time that this is her final warning before a consequence (like losing her phone)

1. Your concerns about the apps and your reason for saying no. Safety, peer pressure, no actual value, that it's an adult decision. Be clear that you are setting out your reasoning so that she understands but that it is stil a blanket NO and that it's not up to negotiation.

You could consider any check in point, like agreeing to discuss again at Christmas, but only if its remotely possible you may change your mind.

Don’t apologise for keeping your daughter safe. DD11 isn’t allowed them and won’t be until she’s 14 at least. I pay her phone contract and have access to her phone. She’s not on any group chats except one hobby specific one moderated by a grown up. Even on WhatsApp there’s been lots of trouble in her year group.

OP what is her reasoning?
I assume she's at school in Yr7
Is she feeling left out of social arrangements and chat?
Mine have access to stuff but limited on screen time.
One is on multiple small groups with mates / sport team and parents check them occasionally. Older one has life organised by snap chap. Disappearing messages are optional.
That's how they all inter act outside school and sort out meet ups / chat

Friends daughter was allowed Snapchat before she was 13 and ended up with police involvement due to inappropriate photos. Don't do Snapchat!

Delete function? Archived groups?

And how does monitoring help? If you child has been sent inappropriate photos, or sent photos of themselves, it's too late by the time parents check! Or bullying messages/threats can be deleted. Ok, you can contact school/other parents to (hopefully) stop it escalating but not prevent it. And no guarantee it'll stop.

No you are not, working in a school and the safeguard traning we have has put me off my kids having social media. You will find a lot of teachers are strick with this and their kids to. Luckily DD'S best friend when she started high school was a teacher so neither of them had it. She's 16 now and has Snapchat, we relented on that one at somepoint and WhatsApp. Which is how they mainly seem to keep in contact so Ds 13 has WhatsApp to but nothing else currently, actually he plays fortnight but was older then most of his friends when we relented with that one.

Having lots of discussion with both of them as to why these apps are a bad idea also help.

Eh? Why would you apologise?

You are the parent.

But it's much easier to monitor as a parent as the messages don't disappear.

Do you not know that messages can be deleted??

I don't actually think WhatsApp is without its problems, used to be better originally before they added their own more social media extensions to it as originally it was just a messaging app.

But we allow the kids to use it for contacting friends. They are both aware about not joining random groups with people they don't know in RL we do keep an eye on their use of it and as a group form of contact, my work use it, DD'S work use it and so do a couple of the clubs they go to so if we banned it they would miss out on this communication. I think there has to be some compromise and they do need to learn how to be resposible with it.

@MigGirl like you my DC are on groups with their mates in various teams and things. They literally organise their own social arrangements via chats. Eg. They will organise impromptu footy in the park. They'll sort cinema trips and even lift shares. They'll arrange to meet for a hot chocolate or Nando's. They arrange to game together. (They stay off random big groups).
I really don't know how they'd do it without WAp / snap

Btw mine are Yr9/7 and both use in similar ways. No bullying as only on groups with their mates

I find this sort of attitude really bizarre. When I was a teenager we didn't have smartphones and yet still managed to make arrangements with friends?!

my children (12.5 and 10) are only allowed whatsapp

(partly for ME communicating with them)

Thats it and all it will be for a long time.

Their phones are also ONLY allowed downstairs; we have no tech / screens upstairs at all.

My house, my rules, end of.
And while i pay their phone bill their phone belongs to me and I can, and do, check it whenever i feel like it

@Poppyislost We didn't really sort stuff without having to use a land line to phone all our mates separately.
Who do you know who does that now? It's not how they operate,
I'm our city if you aren't in the groups you are just left out.

I've been strict on mobile phones and SM. No time limits and no parent filter but no phone overnight and no change to pin no etc. Checks on content and messages if we felt it was necessary.
WhatsApp was allowed but friends only and no class groups.
Instagram from 14 but private account only. She started using Snapchat at maybe 15. Now she is 17 and said to me recently that she's grateful I was so limited in what I allowed as it did protect her from a lot of rubbish.

Block her phone until she stops whining. When she gets it back and restarts take it off her for longer!

@Poppyislost how do you sort meet ups with friends? How do you check team arrangements for sports? Do you not have a family chat WApp?
How do you share photos with your DC or send them copies on info they need? What about sharing ticket or booking info for things?
In my world and everyone else I know if via group chats.

I deleted WhatsApp two years ago, I can't stand group chats. I text and phone but the only smartphone feature I really use regularly is Google maps. I access my email on my computer.

My point is that saying "how would we be able do x without a smartphone" is utterly disingenuous considering teenagers managed to stay socially connected for years, frankly in a much healthier way, before they even existed.

Hopefully that will change soon if the smartphone free childhood campaign carries on picking up momentum and more and more parents wake up.

@Poppyislost that's your right to not be on any group chats. But they are life now for most.
I'm heavily involved in many volunteer run groups and sports teams as are my children. I organise a lot of stuff for people in short time periods. We share info, updates and a million other things quickly. Less chat more info sharing. If you want to participate it's needed. With family it's update and chat. I don't have time to email or text parents individually.

My DD is 9. She doesn't have a phone. Not sure when she will
Be allowed one yet but she needs to be aware of the dangers of social media before she's allowed access. Her class mates have them all. One girl just got an iPhone 14 for her 10th birthday. I despair. Sometimes I think the parents are more naïve than the kids.

@Poppyislost
Today alone I've had to use group chats

• confirm availability for several sports fixtures for my DC and tournaments
• DC2 Yr7 sent me a photo of his school sports fixtures & venues so I know where he'll be. Shared with another parent.
• DC1 Yr9 sorted car shares with 4 other parents to their sports training for this month
• agreed plan with another family we going away with for two days
• share info on volunteering with a new group of parents
• shared info re Yr9 options events on a quick parent chat
• sent copy of ticket info to others

This is totally normal stuff in our world

I allow whatsapp only as it's mainly used as a comunication tool. If they're excluded and isolated because they're not in groups, that's as damaging as some forms of bullying anyway. Can harmful activity occur through whatsapp? Certainly, but I can't eliminate the risk of all harm and they have to learn how to interact in a civilised way. It's a best-fit of the reality of growing up in 2024.

Snapchat is currently banned. The difference is that there are more features that can be misused/ abused and cause harm. Whatsapp requires more effort to conceal inappropriate behaviour. Many have mistrusted the disappearing feature on Snapchat into thinking it's safer than it is.

I'm no fan of the tiktok platform. My two do watch youtube shorts and the content overlaps the platforms, but youtube has a less dodgy owner and a more favourable reporting system.

I can't ban all communications forever. No one's going to ring the landline (we still have one) to check if the DCs are free like in the 80s/90s. Those days are gone. I can delay access as long as is reasonably viable and discuss hazards and what to do if (when?) things go wrong.

Fortunately my two have been fairly sensible about my boundaries so far (I've made it to early teens) and I've always been clear about my reasons. It is hard when you're holding out for years after peers though.

Year 6 is the norm here. They learn to use safely before high school. A few in yr5 but only about 1/4

You can put disappearing and single view messages on WhatsApp

You can delete posts for yourself and there's no deletion messages - so if your DC was being bullied or bullying or receiving dodgy content of they delete those messages for themselves, you'd have absolutely no way of knowing.