To not let my nearly 12 year old have all the social media apps

[Lightsideofthemoon]

My DD is 12 next month and has been going on and on and on and on and on about Snapchat, insta and tik tok. I have said no up to now and said she can have one when she is 12 and not tik tok. She is CONSTANTLY nagging about it and saying how strict we are (we aren’t) and actually behaving like a brat - I lost it earlier after she had spent an hour moaning about it and called her spoilt 😬 I feel really bad and will apologise but it was an hour of solid moaning about how unfair her life is that pushed me over the edge.

AARRRGGHH! I hate social media! Am I being overly strict?

Stick to your guns op, and if she whinges about it again take the phone off her.
If she doesn’t understand why these apps have age limits she’s definitely not old enough to use them responsibly.
DD14 only has WhatsApp and even that was something I was uneasy about, but we use it as a family for messaging and arranging pick ups etc. She knows I will look at her phone whenever I want and agreed that when she got the phone. Her gmail account is set up a a child’s one so either dh or I need to approve any app downloads. She doesn’t take the piss because she knows we will act.
DH works in tech and was insistent these were the rules, no ifs, no buts.

DS is 11 in Y7 and doesn't have any social media. He doesn't even have WhatsApp, which is the main platform I've heard of other kids in his year using. Apparently "Everyone in the year" is in a massive WhatsApp group, which sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

I know for a fact that not "everyone" is on WhatsApp, as a friend told me her daughter isn't allowed it. Then again, she does allow her to use iMessage on her iPhone, which seems problematic in a whole other way as she's messaging two of her friends who have iPhones and another one on Android is left out.

The longer we can avoid this stuff, the better.

Just no. My nearly 13 year DD doesn't have any social media, and that is not changing at any time soon. If she complains she loses her iPad/smart phone etc. she'll have a limited brick that can make an emergency call. And that will be IT. She's knows this, knows why - I think that is important, that you talk them through things from your pov, and is happy with this boundary.

Oh she does have WhatsApp for the class group chat. But it is checked daily.

My 15 year old Y11 is still not allowed Snapchat and won't be until she's paying for her phone. She has 30mins on Instagram and tiktok per day. I can always tell when she's been on those...
Snap is the devil sorry.

Dd14 is still banned from insta and tiktok. We relented on snap when she was 14 but she s only allowed non school friends. Her friends from her 2 main non-school activities all use snap to keep in touch. These are optional activities, and with good safeguarding management so if snap gets nasty there will be consequences, and it's not involving the people she has to go to school with.

Ds12 has Whatsapp because that's how we communicate but has only a couple of friends on it.

I completely agree. Mine just has whatsapp but is not allowed in group chats. It saves them a lot of grief when the shit hits the fan at school.

DS15 got banned from Snapchat, best thing to happen to him

People thinking whatsapp is fine - it's not.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Those apps aren’t safe for teens (especially young teens) and there’s no reason they can’t text or call to make arrangements with friends. She will be annoyed and she will push boundaries, but that’s totally normal for a teenager.

Wise decision. Unless you want your child offered up on a plate to the pedophiles of the world stay away. At 12 is she not old enough for you to explain that there is a danger of her viewing inappropriate and upsetting things?

It's a no for my DD12 too. Her elder sister had it and it caused no end of problems, including bullying, pornography and disgusting slobbering men constantly in her inbox. Think she lasted about 4 months on it before I banned her. She's now 15 and it does seem that everyone has it except my two kids in the high school, but I won't be changing my mind.

OP there's an entire movement set up by UK mums to restrict the use of smartphones by young children and teens with enough parents onside. You can read about it here and join the WhatsApp for your area. Your school might have its own WhatsApp community already or you can start one. In my region thousands have joined this over the past fortnight and there is a ton of support on the WhatsApp community.

It really helps to know other parents are in the same boat and none of us want this for our kids. If the majority of parents in a child's class are saying the same thing about phones then it will be easier to delay their access to these apps until they are older and better able to cope.

smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk

People thinking whatsapp is fine - it's not

I do need to communicate with my child and drop pins for location etc. It's locked down pretty well. What are the specific dangers I should be looking for?

Absolutely do not allow these apps yet.
Far too young to be exposed to grim or bullying content.

As a starting point, if you are not doing this already, you must start random phone spot checks (weekly, monthly, whenever you fee like it, completely random times).
You also need to install some sort of verification on her phone that alerts you to anything untoward, and you have to be open with her and explain you are overseeing her activity for safety and she must tell someone of any incidents that make her feel uncomfortable or upset.
She can talk to you, a friend, a friend's parent, a school teacher, an older sibling, a relative, someone/anyone that's trustworthy and comfortable for her which may not be you.

As for moaning, that's unacceptable. Regardless of the topic. I have no idea how best you'd fix this behaviour. I'd explain your reasons and conclude with your decision is final. You will revisit the topic when she's 14 with zero guarantee you'll change your mind.

I know someone whose daughter is 9. They were at a friends house who had access to Snapchat or something like it and they were confronted with a man masturbating. Absolutely horrific. Obviously complete negligence on the parents part.

Why can't you communicate via text? You can also location share via text.

For a start whatsapp is 16+ so younger teens shouldn't be on it. For another thing teenagers tend to use WhatsApp for group chats where horrendous bullying happens and also extremely inappropriate material is shared.

But it's much easier to monitor as a parent as the messages don't disappear.
I can't see why it's that bad. My 13 year old refuses to be in any groups and so it's only 1 to 1 messages.

I do also think there is an overstated need to communicate. Technically it isn't needed, it's what we are used to. My parents managed when I was a teen in the 90s when there were no mobile phones.

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2022/oct/01/poisonous-how-whatsapp-is-exposing-uk-school-children-to-bullying-and-harmful-content

Yeah I check the phone every night, and no group chats allowed. I like to send screenshot of homework and other info. Links, pictures etc. We are very rural with bus to school so I like WhatsApp. These things would cost money via text.

I'm an 80s/90s child, so I know how we did things back then. I've always worked in education and with safeguarding and I'm happy with WhatsApp.

Stand firm OP, there was just a piece on Good Morning Britain about a girl who took her own life because of bullying on Social Media apps.

My 2 DS (13 & 11) don't have Social media and won't until they are at least 16. It's our job to protect our children as much as we can.

It's also incredibly easy to just delete chats from WhatsApp, if you don't want your parents to see.

Stans firm op.
My dd tried the whole - everyone else has it but me. I said well if l was their mum, l wouldn't and when all the inevitable arguments and bitchiness starts on there, you will be glad to not he part of it.

I might let her get tiktok at some point as that is deemed a safer one when accounts are set properly but never in a million years will she be getting snapchat. Way too young.