To wonder why things take me so long/why I'm always late!

[PeRiO]

I know nobody can telepathically tell me the answer to this but I'm open to all ideas! Why do everyday things take me so long and why am I always late for things??
Examples, 5 yr old DC, I am late to school every day (not late as in signed in late but 5 mins past the time we should be there and always rushing last min to get in the gate before it closes) we do wake up fairly late most days but regardless of this I cannot get out of the house on time even though I prep everything night before. I prep lunches and do abit of washing up if needed when I get in from work, this can take me an hour! An hour to make sandwiches and wash up! DC might need my attention for something etc so I am distracted doing other bits here and there but still where does the hour go.
Putting DC to bed, we go up at 7 for bath and bed, so that's bath, teeth, story and sleep. Takes me until 8.30 most nights to get her in bed and then 15/20 mins to sleep which is far too late and I try so much to get her to bed earlier as it only impacts the morning as she sleeps late but I don't know why it takes me so long. I admit I am one for wasting time scrolling on my phone so I leave that downstairs sometimes but still I can't get things done quicker.
I am always late for things unless it's majorly important e.g hosp appointment etc, but even then I arrive exactly on time with no time to spare, I can't remember the last time I got somewhere early enough to have time to spare 🤣
Are other people like this, where does the time go??

…somehow actually seeing a clock face registers more with me than the Fitbit I have on my wrist 🤷🏼‍♀️

Re bedtime routine 7 is too late. I go up to bed at 6.30 with my 9 year old - if it’s later we adjust the timings. Honestly they dont need a bath every night and a bath can be in and out in 10 mins. If you have a shower that’s a quicker option too. Lights out by 7.30 will make a big difference!

I’d try to sort your dd’s routine first. What time do you get in from work? Can you prep tea the night before (after she’s gone to bed) and throw it in the slow cooker? Then you’re not having to cook, minimal washing up etc. I’d start her bedtime routine at 6pm. Bed for 7. Then you come downstairs and do the sandwiches, washing up, tea prep for night after. Hopefully if that takes an hour you’ll have time left for the rest of your evening.

When the kids were in primary school I bought cheap clock and added notes to it. I'll see if I can find an example online. We called it the Go Go Go clock.
So, working backwards from the time we needed to leave I coloured in sections for brushing teeth, getting on shoes and coats etc. it worked really well as a visual reminder for me as well as the children.

Like this:

Me and dd are organised and on time people. Ds and dh are slow, late people. In order to combat this they just get up earlier/leave more time. For example on school mornings ds gets up at 6 and leaves at 7:15 on the button to get to the school bus on time. Dd gets up at 7 and leaves at 7:30 to get to the same school bus on time. She can have the extra hour in bed but ds knows he loses time so gives himself an excessive amount. Ds aims to be ready to leave the house for 7 and if he manages it just sits for the last 15mins until its time to go but realistically he spends that 15mins grabbing all the things he has forgotten. Like this morning he spent that 15mins getting his glasses from upstairs, Lord only knows how that takes 15mins but it did and that's why we've worked out a routine that leaves lots of extra time. So really in our house there are no secrets to making it to things on time except taking note of how long it actually takes for the individual to do things rather than how long you think it should take and if you are ds add an extra 15mins to that time.

@SparklyLimeJoker Hello. I'm still here posting about being late

Interestingly 2012 was before my ADHD diagnosis and before I'd even heard of/thought of it being related to things like disorganisation and time blindness. So I was already trying to understand it back then.

I use a lot of tools to exeternalise my sense of time because it is so poor.

Google calendar is a good one. I have different layers, the main one that it automatically selects is where I put in all appointments/arrangements I make with people. I do this IMMEDIATELY or I will totally forget. This is why google calendar is good because I'm addicted to my phone/computer so am never far away from one of them. These are colour coded - yellow for social because socialising makes me happy, minty green for medical appointments, light blue for anything relating to children, and red/orange for any other important appointments I must not miss or tasks that I must do. A great tip I've been using recently, is to turn the red into green once I've done the task or prepared for that appointment.

Then I have another layer with recurring stuff that forms the basis of my daily routine - kids' bedtimes, pick up times, dinner times etc and what I'm meant to be doing at different portions of the day. This is hideable because it's too much clutter sometimes. But when I'm looking to schedule something, it's helpful to see it.

Then another layer for shared stuff with DH (same colour scheme as before).

Day to day I use weekly view but I'm trying to use monthly view to give myself a bit of warning for upcoming things - I'm terrible for going "Oh shit it's my sister's birthday TOMORROW - I haven't sent a card" or "Oh god it's Christmas next week and I only have those two presents I bought in June!" I just have a very very poor sense of time in general. Medication hasn't helped with this. It does help with getting started, so I do important things earlier in the day.

My mum is late for everything. Always has been. Two reasons - 1 she doesn’t allow enough time for tasks (washing hair, blow drying it and dressing does not take only 20 mins), and 2 she is excessively tidy and cannot walk through the house without sorting any tiny thing out of place.

I am anally on time for everything, due to childhood of being late! But I do that by not giving a shit about my surroundings, so I can literally grab my bag and walk out of the house, past the bin that needs emptying, the dishes in the sink, the crisp packet that I dropped on the floor…

I don’t think either of our approaches are particularly healthy, between us there’s an organised person! I’ve long suspected we both have ADHD, just very different expressions of it.

Do you have any friends who consistently turn up 10 minutes early?

I have a friend like this and I sometimes ask her when she'd leave my place to be somewhere "on time". Her answer often horrifies me because it seems so, so much earlier than necessary.

Apparently my fear of having to wait is equal to her fear of being late. It's a completely different way of thinking about time!

Anyway, if you have an early friend, ask them what time they'd step out of their front door at your house to be at school on time.

I am convinced that time is not even and moves at different speeds when you need to do something. I can get up 3 hours before we need to go do anything on a weekend and yet still be rushing at the end when there was loads of time. I am not late for work though, even though I need to leave much earlier for that. Time must just run better for organised people 😂.

I have a friend like this and I sometimes ask her when she'd leave my place to be somewhere "on time". Her answer often horrifies me because it seems so, so much earlier than necessary.

Yes!! I have this issue - even when I sit and work something out properly it's like my brain rejects it saying no no no - that couldn't possibly be right.

I have had to learn to consciously override that and say nope, it is actually right, I genuinely do need to leave at that time.

It's interesting and I wondered what it was related to - if you look into the field of behavioural economics there is a lot of interesting stuff like this, the book predictably irrational for example - there are basically predictable ways that people come to the wrong conclusion about things. It used to be thought that people are basically rational and sometimes we get things wrong at random. But more recent research has shown that we have all kinds of complicated thought processes which mostly are advantageous, but occasionally backfire.

I think the time estimation thing is related to this - when we get that automatic "Oh no, that couldn't possibly be right!" response, that's something which is useful e.g. if you're doing a maths calculation and you want to know the area of a room, but you accidentally misplace a digit, you end up with a figure which is wildly incorrect. It's useful to have that wait, what? reaction because it forces you to check your work. But if you're automatically rejecting an estimate and then settling on another estimate which "feels right" but is completely incorrect then it isn't very useful.

I do everything people have said re counting back in time - working backwards and having timings for different stages of readiness. Doesn’t cure the problem but I guess it helps.

This is interesting actually as I think I have a subconscious fear of having to wait once I get somewhere. I don’t want to be too early, so I aim for exactly on time and then wonder why Im late.

But when I have been early for things it hasn’t been bad at all so no idea why I fear it.

What really stops me being ready on time though is someone giving me a countdown - breaks my train of thought and then I’m lost as to where I’m up to

I am always early as I find it so rude when people are late. Organise yourself more and wake up earlier. If you manage for a hospital appointment then you are perfectly able.

Could it be something along the lines of dyspraxia?

I've found my people!!

This is going to sound insanely stupid, but what's really helped me is putting clocks in every room - I only had two physical ones before, in the kitchen and living room, which was no use when I was getting ready upstairs as I'd be relying on me tapping my phone to see the time!

I have also been known to record appointment times in my phone 15 minutes earlier as well as get whoever is in the house with me a verbal 30 min and 15 minute warning.

Great to see so many supportive comments on this thread too.

@Foxblue Yes, somehow seeing a clock face (especially with a seconds hand whizzing around) works better for me.

I have one in the bathroom up above the mirror over the sink. It’s an alarm clock that ticked too loudly next to my bed!

Honestly it's because you don't care if you are late. It's a choice for you. The drawbacks for being late aren't enough to bother you. The fact that you can be on time when you actually need to demonstrates that along with the fact you are usually only a little late. You can look for other more palatable reasons if you want but I wouldn't bother.

Before you suggest I'm being mean I have the same thing with going to bed. I always go t bed late. It's stupid and childish of me but there you go. I do it night after night. I annoy myself.

When I was younger I also used to use my Uni work until the last minute. It was childish too. I don't do it now.

Time wise though I'm extremely punctual.

That makes no sense though, because a lot of us beat ourselves up about being late all the time. I hate it, it's stressful and annoys me. It's not that I'm sat there thinking 'La la la, I don't care, I'm just going to scroll my phone until the last minute'. I'll be getting ready, rushing around, and suddenly it's 20 minutes later than I thought it was.

I agree having clocks everywhere really helps - I constantly check our bathroom clock because it's visible from the landing and our room.

You don't consciously tell yourself you don't care.

You do hold back from getting ready on time though, otherwise you wouldn't be rushing around getting ready. People who are habitually on time do not rush around getting ready. Their stuff is organised, whether it's five suitcases all completely packed for a trip to Australia or the handbag that matches their gloves, complete with lip salve, purse, shopping list, phone, and sunglasses; they have used the loo, they know where their keys are, and they have glanced at the clock a few times to make sure they're moving forward to plan.

Plan is an important word here. People who are on time plan to be on time and stick to their plan. They have fully accepted and engaged with the reality of what they're planning.

Maybe you do something like dissociation in the face of the next thing on the schedule? Maybe you have a difficulty leaving one place or stopping one activity and transitioning to the next thing that needs to be done?

Same here.

This. If you can be on time when there are potential repurcussions such as missing a hospital appointment then the issue isn't your concept of time or timekeeping ability it's more how much you value actually being on time. Just adopt whatever process you do to get to "important" things on time to your every day set up.

My daughter describes her ADHD as having to concentrate to concentrate. Ie it takes her at least twice the energy of another child to get through the school day, any activities etc.

I have to organise myself to organise myself. Twice the energy (at least) of my colleagues who aren’t ND and find it easy.

Now, imagine you have to use twice the energy you do to get through your day. How long can you keep that up for?couple of days? A week? Certainly not a lifetime.

it ISN’T easy for all of us. We aren’t lazy. We have to make choices about what it’s worth spending double the energy on because otherwise we will burn out.

Honestly, would you tell a physically disabled runner they should “just” run as far or as fast as a non-disabled runner?

or tell the person on the start line of a half marathon they should “just” do a marathon?

it’s the mental equivalent.