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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why things take me so long/why I'm always late!

76 replies

PeRiO · 05/03/2024 11:56

I know nobody can telepathically tell me the answer to this but I'm open to all ideas! Why do everyday things take me so long and why am I always late for things??
Examples, 5 yr old DC, I am late to school every day (not late as in signed in late but 5 mins past the time we should be there and always rushing last min to get in the gate before it closes) we do wake up fairly late most days but regardless of this I cannot get out of the house on time even though I prep everything night before. I prep lunches and do abit of washing up if needed when I get in from work, this can take me an hour! An hour to make sandwiches and wash up! DC might need my attention for something etc so I am distracted doing other bits here and there but still where does the hour go.
Putting DC to bed, we go up at 7 for bath and bed, so that's bath, teeth, story and sleep. Takes me until 8.30 most nights to get her in bed and then 15/20 mins to sleep which is far too late and I try so much to get her to bed earlier as it only impacts the morning as she sleeps late but I don't know why it takes me so long. I admit I am one for wasting time scrolling on my phone so I leave that downstairs sometimes but still I can't get things done quicker.
I am always late for things unless it's majorly important e.g hosp appointment etc, but even then I arrive exactly on time with no time to spare, I can't remember the last time I got somewhere early enough to have time to spare 🤣
Are other people like this, where does the time go??

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 05/03/2024 15:52

Another thing that can get in the way is if you have generally quite a chaotic environment around or don't have things set up for success. I call this the "ADHD domino problem".

For example, it might take me an hour to make some sandwiches and wash up, if I first have to locate a lunchbox, oh, none are actually clean so I need to clean one, the sink is full of dirty dishes, got to move those, the drainer is full so just put those bits away, they're dry now, OK I've moved the dishes from the sink but it's a bit rank with spilled milk from this morning and bits of last night's dinner, scrape those into the food waste, need to clean the sink first, there's some issue wit hot water generation that I keep meaning to get fixed but haven't got around to yet so it takes a while to fill the sink after it's cleaned, now I'm washing up, but my sleeve got wet and I hate that feeling which is making me irritated, do I run upstairs and clange my top or just roll it up and hope that it will dry? Wow there are a lot of dishes, I really should have done some last night, this is a very stubborn stain now which is hard to get off, that's annoying.

Right the lunchbox is clean, find a tea towel, dry it, what to put in it, oh we've run out of bread, I wonder if we have any wraps? Yes this wrap is OK, now I need to sort through which bits of veg are OK in the fridge to put in it, I really must have a clear out, what did she like again? I can't remember what the current phase is, oh I got those cheese strings for school lunches but I'm not sure if she liked them, I'd better go and check. While in living room talking to DD I notice that there are some more unwashed plates so bring these back through to kitchen. I've finished the lunch, need to move a couple of things to make space in the fridge to store it. Oh yes, must get today's lunchbox out of her bag, throw away the wrappers, they ping instantly out of the bin as it is too full. Still have to finish the washing up. Check time and it's been an hour.

vs

Select clean lunchbox from stack of clean organised lunch boxes which is near the cupboard that I keep the lunchbox snacks, there are plentiful snacks and I don't have to decide what to put in because I'm following a formula that I do every day, there is enough bread/wrap/veg and there isn't any old expired food cluttering up the fridge being in my way, I have a nice empty clear space to prepare the lunch so this takes about 3 minutes, close the lunchbox, place in the fridge which doesn't need rearranging.

While I was doing all this I have been running hot water (which comes out at a normal speed) into the sink which is already clean and I wash up the lunchbox from today plus my travel coffee mug and maybe one item which got left last night as there wasn't space/time. Or given there are so few items I might not even bother filling the sink. The breakfast dishes were washed this morning and last night's dinner things were done then. After washing up, I wipe out the sink and leave things to dry.

Takes about ten minutes. (Fifteen if you did leave the breakfast things for after school). BUT you have to have a lot of other things in place first. People with ADHD tend to not have these things in place which make life easy and smooth, so everything feels complicated and difficult.

CharSiu · 05/03/2024 15:59

I would say the harder people find executive functioning then having less stuff is very important. My MIL is a lower grade hoarder, not grubby as such but has ridiculous amounts of stuff. Imagine the contents of a six bed house that’s overcrowded stuffed in to a three bed house.

Apparently she still has her children’s push bike from the 1940’s in one of her sheds.

mycatismyworld · 05/03/2024 16:04

I'm like this all the time. The actual making of say a sandwich is interrupted by being so easily distracted. Yes I have ADHD diagnosed at 53 by an NHS practitioner. I wouldn't trust a private one.

WelshSmog · 05/03/2024 16:18

Following my own sanity Grin

DyslexicPoster · 05/03/2024 16:39

BertieBotts · 05/03/2024 15:19

This is very funny and describes a lot of the issues well.

https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/07/why-im-always-late.html

Hilarious and I relate too much. I am always late. Always. I used to think it was too with dyslexia but with three ND kids, I think it's a ND really now.

I have two problems at play. I want to do everything perfectly. I love to procrastinate. I know what I need to do and work backwards. I know that. I do that and plan that but procrastination takes hold and I loose time. The key for me is setting hard routines. I know I leave the house by say half past, the car is outside the door. However walking out the door and sitting in my driver seat takes ten minutes ( how? Why?) So I set my alarm five minutes earlier as there is a time slip on my path. I can be five minutes late. 15 at a push. But I keep adding the 5 minutes and eventually I get to places on time. It's a horrible trait

LoreleiG · 05/03/2024 16:43

Same!

RosePombear · 05/03/2024 16:45

I’m exactly the same and it caused me so much anxiety. I’ve now just started getting up/getting ready WAY before I need to, it does mean I don’t get as much sleep as before but I have a lot less stress..so swings and roundabouts!.

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 05/03/2024 16:55

I am constantly late for everything! When I used to commute, every single morning I would run to the train station, with a piece of toast in my hand. I would often fling myself into the train as the doors were closing.
Now I know what time I need to leave for stuff, but time disappears into a vortex…… I’m always doing last minute bits which doesn’t help - I need to leave in 1 minute, but I’ll just put a load of washing on and clear the floor for the robot vac, which just needs emptying first….. shit, where are my keys? Suddenly I'm 15 minutes late……

louderthan · 05/03/2024 18:45

Dyspraxia and dyscalculia can also cause problems with perception of time and time management

Madamlulu · 05/03/2024 19:34

I've been like this all my life. Last year I went through getting my son assessed for ADHD and realised this is why. I have it too.

Mumof2NDers · 05/03/2024 19:50

BertieBotts · 05/03/2024 15:12

I'll get lynched but for me this was caused by undiagnosed ADHD.

Actually stuff still takes me longer than it should now I'm diagnosed and treated but I have a much better awareness now and can plan for it. I am not very often late any more.

I thought ADHD too. Both my DS’s have it and are totally disorganised and time blind! It drives me mad as I’m very organised and punctual 😂

Love51 · 05/03/2024 19:59

I don't know why but I know how not to. Whatever time was set as leaving the house you now leave 16 minutes before. If you are early the kids play tight or clapping games. 15 minutes early is the new late. Because the old on time was getting you there late.
Love from #usedtobechronicallylatebutmarriedapunctualguy

bosstick · 05/03/2024 20:00

self sabotage

ALLthecheeses · 05/03/2024 20:05

What are you doing to make sure your on time. We have to leave at 8.30 so at 8.20 is wee, shoes and coats, 8.15 is hair, 8.00 teeth brushing and getting dress 7.30 is breakfast. Being late doesn’t happen at 8.30, it’s happening at 7.40 if I haven’t made breakfast.

You need a daily timetable.

teatimeplease · 05/03/2024 20:25

Yeah I'm similar and the same as a lot of suggestions, I've started telling myself I need to be ready 15 mins before I actually do and that way I end up leaving the house at the time I originally should be and not 15 mins late

SparklyLimeJoker · 05/03/2024 20:47

This is from a poster called BertieBotts that I saved from a thread in 2012 (have I really been here that long 😯) and it really helped me.

"I remember a really long thread on here ages ago about lateness and one of the things on it was that people who are chronically late don't tend to consider themselves late until the time they're meant to be there. So if you're meeting someone at 10 you don't feel late until it is past 10, no matter what stage of getting ready or getting there you are at. Whereas someone who is good at being on time would be mentally plotting out that it takes 20 minutes to get there so they need to leave by 9.40, and it takes them an hour to get ready so they need to start getting ready by 8.40. If they were still messing around on MN at 9, they would notice the time and think "Shit! I'm late!" whereas the chronically late person thinks "Oh I've got loads of time, I don't have to be there until 10."

I definitely used to do this and still do to an extent but I hadn't realised that other people literally plan in time to get ready and factor that into their "Am I late?" calculations - so I've started to do that and it helps a lot.

Also something which came out was a fear/hatred of being early (so to counter this, put some games on your phone/carry a book around with you/plan to get a coffee before work or something if you're early) and the other one was underestimating how long it takes you to do things (which need to be done before you leave) or get to places, and forgetting to add in extra time for unexpected delays (probably related to the hatred of being early)."

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/03/2024 21:20

I’m exactly the same!

mathanxiety · 06/03/2024 01:23

You need to buy cheap, battery run clocks and put them where you can see them.

One above the sink, one in DC's room, one in the bathroom, etc.

Tell DC you are busy and will get to her as soon as your task is finished if she interrupts you when you're getting some essential job done.

You need to get up on time every morning. Do not lie in. Leave 10 minutes before you normally do. It's not fair on anyone to bring your child late to school.

Garlicking · 06/03/2024 01:37

BertieBotts · 05/03/2024 15:19

This is very funny and describes a lot of the issues well.

https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/07/why-im-always-late.html

This is absolutely brilliant!
This bit:
"My sister once missed an early morning flight, so they rescheduled her for the following morning. She managed to miss that one too, so they put her on a flight five hours later. Killing time during the long layover, she got distracted on a long phone call and missed that flight too. She has problems."

... made me double-check that it wasn't written by one of my siblings. I've done this so often that I stopped booking early flights. If the only one is early, I'm safer going a long way round with a later start.

mathanxiety · 06/03/2024 01:38

I don't think fear of being early is the issue. There's no early or late to washing dishes after all. I think it's discomfort around transitions and moving forward, in general.

When you're washing dishes for an hour, you're hanging back from the next thing on the task list. The dishes are your distraction from dealing with the future. As long as you're up to your elbows in suds, you don't have to think about what's next.

coxesorangepippin · 06/03/2024 01:44

Set your alarm for earlier

Tell yourself you need to be there by 8.30am, even if it's actually 8.40am

Focus on the tasks at hand : breakfast, getting dressed, bag, coat on, out of the door. Other tasks i.e. washing up, can wait as they are not a priority.

Ialwaystry · 06/03/2024 01:44

I absolutely hate being late but I'm always rushing last min.
All my clocks in the house and car are set 10 mins forward, which helps a bit, as I ways forget.

DeeCeeCherry · 06/03/2024 02:05

You'll upset and stress your children if you're always rushing and late. Thats not fair. You need to get up 15 minutes earlier - as in, get out of bed don't lay there. Do only what is necessary and stop being distracted by tasks that do not need to be done immediately.

ALLthecheeses · 06/03/2024 06:48

SparklyLimeJoker · 05/03/2024 20:47

This is from a poster called BertieBotts that I saved from a thread in 2012 (have I really been here that long 😯) and it really helped me.

"I remember a really long thread on here ages ago about lateness and one of the things on it was that people who are chronically late don't tend to consider themselves late until the time they're meant to be there. So if you're meeting someone at 10 you don't feel late until it is past 10, no matter what stage of getting ready or getting there you are at. Whereas someone who is good at being on time would be mentally plotting out that it takes 20 minutes to get there so they need to leave by 9.40, and it takes them an hour to get ready so they need to start getting ready by 8.40. If they were still messing around on MN at 9, they would notice the time and think "Shit! I'm late!" whereas the chronically late person thinks "Oh I've got loads of time, I don't have to be there until 10."

I definitely used to do this and still do to an extent but I hadn't realised that other people literally plan in time to get ready and factor that into their "Am I late?" calculations - so I've started to do that and it helps a lot.

Also something which came out was a fear/hatred of being early (so to counter this, put some games on your phone/carry a book around with you/plan to get a coffee before work or something if you're early) and the other one was underestimating how long it takes you to do things (which need to be done before you leave) or get to places, and forgetting to add in extra time for unexpected delays (probably related to the hatred of being early)."

Edited

Worryingly I can remember reading this at the time! But I can’t when my hair appointment is.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 06/03/2024 07:24

Luckily I’m past the school drop off stage, but my ‘time blindness’ is definitely getting worse as I get older.

I perpetually underestimate the amount of time it takes me to do things or get somewhere.

I have set all the house clocks 10 mins fast which certainly helps, and stuck a few cheap alarm clocks around the house too, so at a glance, I can see the time.