To not want to include SIL?

[rainingcatsandogs]

I won't go into the entire backstory as it is long.

After years of my SIL disrespecting me with a number of disparaging remarks, Christmas for me was the final straw when her disrespect reached a new level and she started being rude about my own family who she doesn't know.

Last week walking to school my 5 year old DD asked me whether she had two mums as SIL had apparently told her that she was DD's step-mum and 2nd mum. This isn't the 1st time SIL has said things to DD without me being there. At Christmas my DD said she didn't think it would be a good idea if I travelled North to visit DH's family. She later said SIL had said that to her. The mum comment really annoyed me, but I brushed it off and said that she (SIL) gets confused.

Spoke to DH about it and he said that SIL is mentally unwell and doesn't know what she is saying. His family give the green light to use mental health as an excuse for being rude and disrespectful.

Given what has happened / said over the years, I've put in place boundaries and I have gone no contact with her as it is just easier that way. Last night DH accused me of not including SIL in our lives and how SIL is upset that I have not contacted her at all this year. I told him communication is a 2 way street and she hasn't contacted me. For me, the hurtful comments over the years have added up and for my own wellbeing I've decided to limit contact. MIL has also waded in and said that I deliberately try to exclude SIL by not telling her things that we as a family are doing or things that affect DD. Truth is, I don't want this woman to know much as she plants things in DD's head.

I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. DH doesn't get it and it feels that SIL can do no wrong in his eyes and I am the bad guy for wanting to limit contact.

He contacts her and speaks with her on the phone surely that is enough without letting her know every single thing about our lives?!

He can tell her what he likes. You are under no obligation to have anything to do with her

how often does your DD see her?

All sounds very mess and i’m not surprised that you refer to a “back story”

DD regularly has Face Time with her. We live 4 hours away so only see her face to face a handful of times a year, but when we do it is always very intense.

This is a hill to die on. I would not be allowing SIL have any unsupervised contact with your 5 year old DC due to her previous comments. SIL is being totally inappropriate and it's very confusing to your DC. Your DH needs to back you up on this one. I think you need to protect DC from SIL.

so on those face times…. you sit right next to her so sil knows that you’re listening.

i would not give a hoot about her second mum comment given it’s a handful of times a year they see each other.

and as for the intensity of the visits… how often do you visit for?

No, DH only Face Times when I am not around. He then goes off and does jobs whilst DD speaks to SIL.

Usually 2 weeks a year.

and it feels that SIL can do no wrong in his eyes and I am the bad guy for wanting to limit contact.

limit contact…. for your DD and your SIL or you and your SIL

either way… a handful of times a year, make it short and sweet or just your dh take dd. and those regular facetimes… you make sure you’re always a presence in the background!

two weeks in one stay? or two weeks spread over a handful of visits?

If anything like my children were at that age… those facetimes will be short, sweet and very distracted (and your DD probably will find them boring!)

YANBU. Please stand firm.

Men are never expected to get so close to their wife’s siblings but women have to play Mother Earth to all

Tell DH that you don’t dictate how much time he spends with your family so he has no right to dictate to you.

Oh, are you paid to be his PR manager? Does he want a weekly family newsletter to go out? Your DH is the wrong'un here OP. He's a lazy sausage that doesn't want to put up with his crazy sister.

I've already told DH that DD is not to have any unsupervised time. The problem is his family back track on everything. I said no to DD going to SILs for sleepover when visiting due to SIL's unstable mental health, which MIL agreed, but the next day changed her mind and said she was stable enough. I stood firm on that one too.

He's a lazy sausage that doesn't want to put up with his crazy sister.

I think mightydolphin has it, he wants to offload her on to you. Don't let him!

Is she mentally unwell? I certainly wouldn't have my child around her unsupervised, but if she's mentally unwell I think its a bit harsh to totally cut and exclude her.

No one's excluding her. Even if she does have MH issues, it's not OP's job to be there for her.

Shes gone NC and doesn't tell her things. I think that counts as excluding. Anyway, I'm not saying she shouldn't do that. But mental health issues are not something to just ignore because you find it easier for yourself.

@pootlin it is nothing to do with her being mentally unwell, it’s the disrespect and hurtful things she has said and continue to say. I want distance from her.

@Mayalou I exclude to protect myself and wellbeing. I also don’t see why she should have open access to every part of our lives. There is such a thing to an individual being allowed a private life. I also didn’t want her being privy to my DDs health issues. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

No way do you have to put up with her disrespectful comments, mentally unwell or not. The fact she plants seeds in your dc head, is totally unacceptable. She's probably playing the victim making you out to be the bad guy but stand firm. You put boundaries down for yourself and your child's mental wellbeing. If she is seeing ypur SIL occasionally and face timing with DH , how is she being excluded. In these situations I've observed husbands and their family's usually fail to see an issue with their sister or mother etc and you will be painted the bad guy, they always make excuses. Still stay strong and firm.

@Healthyhappymama see DH thinks it was an off the cuff remark that I’ve taken the wrong way and am hell bent in using the comment as an excuse to distance myself further.

He actually said to me last night think how she must feel that you’ve not attempted any contact with her at all this year. He didn’t seem to grasp it is a 2 way street!

She sounds like my mam always playing the victim but never doing anything to actively chcange the situation she's in. To be honest as a family we do kind of just let it slide because it's easier than dealing with her over the top reactions , maybe it's the same with dh family?
I totally empathise, nothing worse than someone trying to poison a child's head

Maybe if she didn't make these unacceptable comments you would not need to distance yourself from her. Totally her fault. Saying to a child I'm your step mum is very twisted and not normal. You have every right to distance yourself from a toxic person and if she's upset by it, oh well, maybe she should have been nicer!! Annoys me when other family don't see the situation for how it is

You're not excluding her, these aren't things she should be expecting to hear from you. Don't agree with DH that you are excluding her, reframe it as keeping family confidentiality and protecting dd.

Have you any male friends? Would Dh laugh it off if you said dd and I are off to catch up with John where we will explain he’s like her stepdad, her 2nd dad but really her real dad.

@Codlingmoths precisely this.

@rainingcatsandogs your daughter is yours not hers! she is certainly not her step mum. why is she face timing your daughter anyway? and why the hell is she walking your daughter to school. she has no business saying things like that to your daughter and your husband needs to pull her up on that. if he wont then you do but it is up to you who you speak to. absolutely nothing to do with your MIL or with your husband!! I would be going no contact with her too!