To think this is too much to ask elderly GP’s?

[PickledTuna]

DH and I have been invited to a weekend away. DH has asked his parents (early 80’s) to look after DS 5 and DS14. DS14 is very good and will help with DS5. DS5 has ASD is quiet, needs help with independence/road sense. GP’s are active, independent and will drive a long way to look after our children. However there are quite a few things I do that are second nature (e.g always hold his hand if I walk onto our front drive/along the road/keep him away from swings in park etc) which I’m not sure I can expect GP’s/ DS14 to religiously do? DH and I will be about an hour away from DS’s.

What do you mean by “managing”? I’m finding it confusing that the one who doesn’t make the decisions is managing the other one. Is it that they are not the dominant partner but in some way rein them in?

I personally think that's WAY too big an ask.
My parents are mid 70s and they will occasionally look after my 4 year old for a couple of hours max, and I drop her off at their house with a pack up to make things as easy as poss. That's only when I'm really stuck for childcare.
Won't they be exhausted after a 4 hour drive?

DM is 83 and has DD 7. I do think it’s a bit much but she insists she is fine. I can easily get back if needed.

Then defo don’t do it. My DS is 4 and I wouldn’t leave him with any relatives that I didn’t feel got him.

You’ll only spend the whole weekend worrying. It’s just not worth it 😊

Spot on - you won't have a minute's peace on your weekend away if you're worrying about your child's safety, regardless of what anyone else thinks or says.

If you can arrange childcare that you're happy with then you'll enjoy the break.

This alone would make it a solid no from me.

If even one of them is dismissive of ASD it doesn’t bode well.

Currently having the same dilemma and worried because one GP doesn't listen and so I know if I ask her to do something a certain way she will think she knows best and ignore it if she doesn't agree. And she also has limited understanding of DS autistic needs and would see it as pandering rather than accommodating difference. Trying to reassure myself it will be ok as we have never had a night away so it would be good - am thinking that I will maybe limit the total time and make sure we stay close by (not sure how that really helps but feels reassuring somehow). How long have they looked after them before?

Age 5 is hard work….even when they are well behaved…..I’m in my 50s with 3 GD ….2 of them are now 5 …..I’m exhausted after one night with them

@FictionalCharacter ‘Rein in’ is a good way to describe it.

The dominant GP would - for example, insist on going for a walk, decide to walk down by the river, leaving other GP to keep an eye on DS5, and then dominant GO would complain that other GP is over-protective of DS if say - GP is holding hand to keep him away from the river.

I’m worst case scenario here, but it’s a sequence of events I could see happening…

@Maryamlouise

Yes one GP would definitely view it as pandering. I think my big issue is with them all leaving the house. It’s busy where I live - and a simple ‘trip to the park’ isn’t easy.

They’ll have driven a long way, won’t have slept well. Plus it’s going to be difficult to suggest things to/not to do. I think I’d be happier if we were at least nearby.

The more I think about it, the more I think it’s too much.

They’ve never looked after DS5 before, in fact nobody really has for any great length of time…

Have you not got any siblings on either side you could ask or friends?

That's a long drive for people of that age?

Could the 14 year old stay with grandparents and the 5 year old stay with a trusted friend and their parents?

You could pay for an pricey activity (zoo?) for all of that family as a thank you?

Let DH go by himself/with a friend.
Maybe everything would be fine, but you don't want to find out the hard way

I think the key for me, is what your 14 yr old is like and how they feel about it.

If you know they are really the one 'minding' your 5 yr old, and that they will do that, and that really the GPs are there as token adults, then I think it would be fine.
If, OTOH, your 14 yr old doesn't want to babysit your 5 yr old, and potentially wouldn't go out with them (if - like in your scenario - they went to the local park or a walk by a river), or would get distracted by his phone or his mates or whatever, then I wouldn't.
I don't think it is fair on the GPs or the 5 yr old to leave the little one in their charge, no.

@PickledTuna for one weekend only, would it be alright for gps and kids to stay in and just watch tv. play board games, games consoles. etc? that way no risk to young child.

Its really hard to say. My parents are much younger early 60s and 70s. My mum takes the kids often and looks after them. My dad alone is fine with one of them for a day, but he couldnt have them both.
My grandma is almost 90 and while i wouldnt burden her with both kids for an overnight, shes had them separately to sleep over and shes had them together for a few hours. My kids are very easy on their own and can be very exhausting together, so i know how to organise it that its not too much for my grandma. I also know my kids pull themselves together when with my grandma, because they know shes not as fit anymore. They never misbehave there.
I think only you know your children and gps and only you can know whats right..

Given your updates I'd say no. My own DP are mid 80s and look after my siblings' DC (boy aged 8 and girl aged 6) pretty regularly and have done since they were tiny. They're absolutely fine and love having the kids.

However - my DPs look after them at their home and have a huge garden with pool, trampoline, climbing frame and tree house etc, so most of the time they're out there being supervised. If the weather's rubbish they bake/do crafts/watch cartoons/play board games etc inside. My mum is like the ultimate nana! I don't think they ever really take them out as that would involve walking along a busy road to the nearest town and, much as my folks are still pretty switched on and active, it's just fact that they've slowed down a bit, they are aware of this and they feel more comfortable at home.

I wouldn't be happy with a 5 year old with additional needs and limited road sense etc being taken out by someone who also sounds like a wee bit of a potential liability and hasn't ever looked after him alone before...

Trusted friend is a possibility, plus a payment through activity : except the two people I can think of there wouldn’t accept any payment - and have a lot going on themselves.
DS14 is probably the best to look after DS5. Toileting, eating, recognising thirst are all things DS5 struggles with - but DS14 is really good with him. I do think the main issue is the GP who would intervene, overrule, and not see the danger in certain situations : and DS14 wouldn’t have the confidence to stand up to that,

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld

Would be the ideal, and yes could work. But I’d have to dictate what they do, and one GP would quite possibly overrule that.

If DS 14 can handle DS5 then maybe you can sell it as he's doing the looking after.
You could say to the GPs that you want your build up DS14's confidence and so only need one of them and the other can have a rest at home?

4 hour car journey might be problematic though.

In a similar situation I explained to my mum that my dad wasn't great with small kids and we'd rather it was just her, and she agreed.

Largely because my dad wasn't great with kids.

Would that work?

Honestly, I think you were over worrying here. Could it be the reason that no one has really looked after your 5yo be that you are maybe a bit too overprotective.

And I say that as a mum is a 4yo with medical and additional needs whom I totally (and necessarily) helicopter parent. Drum it into your 4yo any the importance of their sibling holding hands when it out and mention it again to the GP.

It sounds like they are fairly fit and healthy, go travelling, capable of doing a 4hr drive, might want to go to the park/walk. They are elderly but they don't sound infirm.

To me it sounds more like you don't want to go to the event. I think changing the plan now will be quite disempowering for the GP.

And you don't want to put your 14 yr old into that very stressful situation.

It really doesn't matter whether anyone else thinks you're being overprotective or not. It's about what you feel is appropriate and will enable you to have peace of mind. Trust your own instincts and judgement.

Well that would clinch it for me, it would be a no.
GP lack of attention to child safety and the needs of the 5yo, + likelihood of one GP insisting they all go out, + the fact they have never looked after their GC before, + potential stress on DS14 trying to do the right thing by DS5 and getting brushed aside by the GP, + it's a whole weekend = a miserable time for the kids, probably stress for the GPs, and worry for you.

GP’s are active, independent and will drive a long way to look after our children.

Sounds like, although they are in their 80s, they are fit and healthy? There are lots of folk in their 80s who are fitter than folk in their 60s and 70s...