Ex left DS home alone

[lomplanter]

DS is 5 and was unwell when at his dad's with a cough and had vomited.

He left DS home alone to pop to the shop that's just around the corner.

His home also smells of cannabis. On a couple of occasions he has handed me outfits of DS that I bought but were at his, and they absolutely stink of weed.

What the hell do I do? He has him two nights a week, but he often goes to his grandparents. He actually sees him for less than 24 hours a week (his choices).

He picks and chooses when to parents, his mum even messaged me (with five days notice) saying "hiya we can't have DS on x (exes allocated day) because we're away."

Why is that my problem?! It's your son's day to have him!

I'm at a loss, honestly.

I want to make sure I'm not overreacting.

I personally, would never leave DS alone in the home. Even for a minute.

He wouldn’t be going there any more if I was you. That’s so unsafe.

I thought this may be the answer. Thank you.

I guess it depends... it's only the same as leaving a sleeping child upstairs in a large house. If he is literally 2 mins and has nipped to get something essential rather than drag an ill child then im more forgiving. Obvously in a perfect world noone would have to make these decisions

@Maddy70 with respect though it won’t have been 2 mins; he had to walk to the shop, choose what to buy, pay for it and walk back. Even if it was next door that’s still at least a few minutes. It’s also not the same as in a large house; in a house you will hear a fire alarm, you’ll generally know if someone has entered your home or is leaving the home with your child and most importantly a child who has vomited needs a parent to be in close proximity where they can at least hear what is going on.

It’s a strange one because I wouldn’t think twice about going to the shed at the bottom of our 100ft garden but wouldn’t pop in next door

The shop is a 4 minute walk away. Maybe 2-3 if you walked fast. It's a 2 minute drive (the street is one way, so have to go the long way around).

No I think for me op ds wouldn't be going there any more and I'd accommodate ex having supervised contact as much as suited me. No way would I leave a 5 year old to go to the shop that's really unsafe. I'd have a really direct conversation with your ex if you're able to communicate with him safely and tell him that what he did was not OK, that you're unhappy with the smell of cannabis around ds but you're willing to facilitate supervised contact going forward. If he kicks up stink I'd be explaining to him that the alternative is you report him to ss and take him to court where he'll probably end up with supervised contact anyway. Then follow through with it.

No it isn’t because in that situation there is an adult present in the property.

Anything could happen to the adult while they are out.

Child could wake - find a lighter and make fire.

it’s not the same at all.

DS was awake when ex went to the shop.

How do you know this happened? I mean, it’s entirely unacceptable to leave a 5yo alone at home regardless but how did it happen? Why?

DS told me, he was stressed about it.

It was because DS was unwell and didn't want to go to the shop, and ex didn't want to take him either.

Do you want him to have him overnight. He doesn't sound reliable. Ask him about the weed - children often accidentally eat a stash, and your child will breath it if he's smoking in the house.

I do want him to have him over night, as I want DS to have a good relationship with his father.

I also often work 6-7 days per week.

However, I don't want to be irresponsible in sending him. I also don't want to send him if DS is at risk.

If it was to get an electric card so his child would be warm then i would be ok ush......as a one off if the child was too ill to take with him

If he nipped out for fags then i wpuld be raging!

Poor thing - he’d have been scared I’m sure.

I’m afraid that your ex cannot make sensible decisions and that means I’d have to stop him having your child alone.

Is this court -ordered or an agreement?

Did he go to get something for your ds or for himself? If the former, he really should have taken ds with him, especially as it was so close. He could have explained to ds that if he really wants whatever the item was then he would need to come along, and if he didn't want to go then he wouldn't get the item. If the latter, then he should have waited until you had ds back home with you, or ds felt well enough to go there.

It's not that the shop is only two or so minutes away, it's the what if something happens to your ex whilst he is out and is gone for longer?

This is not going to be popular, but I bet a lot more people have done this at some point. They certainly wouldn't admit it here. I know I've done it. Kid sick, you need something from the shop, so leave them settled on the couch watching TV and quickly nip out. It's definitely something to have a conversation about, but I don't think it's an immediate stop all contact situation.

If you think he's doing drugs around your child then it's obvious what you need yo do. Even if he isn't actually smoking it there with the child present the smell isn't exactly healthy nor would I want my son in a house where drug dealers and all sorts may show up
You know what you need to do.

I've had to nip out before but I take mine with me. I'd never leave a 5 year old alone. They'd be scared. They wouldn't manage if something happened.

I was in a similar situation and I took it to court

An agreement.

The weed would make it a hard no from me

I think you risk getting into a situation where your son is the go between between you and him and he's reporting on what happens at each house to each respective parent.

Your ex is hugely irresponsible but you need to be mindful of how this impacts your son moving forwards too.

I'd suggest if contact is not court ordered that you write to your ex detailing what your son has told you and the concerns about it. I'd suggest if it happens again that unsupervised contact will not take place again until he can assure that he won't leave DS in the house again.

If contact is court ordered I'd instruct a solicitor to send him a firm letter as above if you can afford to.

I think this is true but this situation was risky.

5yo awake, unwell - absolutely massive capacity for real danger.

DH once left our youngest on the school run when he was about a year. He was in his cot, asleep, and couldn’t climb out (not even pulling himself up). Was gone for about 7 mins. Limited risk. Still neither of us in hindsight would do it again.

Same child is now 6. Not a chance. He’s a mayhem magnet.