Ex left DS home alone

[lomplanter]

DS is 5 and was unwell when at his dad's with a cough and had vomited.

He left DS home alone to pop to the shop that's just around the corner.

His home also smells of cannabis. On a couple of occasions he has handed me outfits of DS that I bought but were at his, and they absolutely stink of weed.

What the hell do I do? He has him two nights a week, but he often goes to his grandparents. He actually sees him for less than 24 hours a week (his choices).

He picks and chooses when to parents, his mum even messaged me (with five days notice) saying "hiya we can't have DS on x (exes allocated day) because we're away."

Why is that my problem?! It's your son's day to have him!

I'm at a loss, honestly.

The drugs issue, what other drugs might be there? Druggy mates popping in?

GPs looking after DS instead of dad.

stop sending him until he pulls his socks up, or could you say only sees him with GPs present?

Your ex doesn’t have your DS best interests at heart. If it were only the one issue of him leaving DS to go to the shop, I’d be inclined to have a go at him about it but leave it there. Add in the fobbing DS off on the GPs, and the drugs though and it’s a huge issue. I get you want DS to have a good relationship but your ex sounds like he wouldn’t care if he didn’t see him. If at all possible I think you need to stop the overnight stays. Does your DS even want to stay?

No way a 5 year old should be left alone, ever

I would t be comfortable letting him go there

Sending your 5 year old to have overnights with someone who would even consider for a fleeting moment leaving him home alone (ill or not, awake or not) isn’t going to result in a “good relationship” as it is not actually possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is selfish and neglectful.

I realise many, many children deal with worse but, unless access is court ordered, you don’t actually have to facilitate a relationship which it’s hard to imagine isn’t damaging in some important respects.

Is it more important to give your ex a chance he is obviously not taking very seriously to play an important role in your son’s life, or to show your son what good parenting/safe people and places and a healthy relationship should look like??

Protect your son, end all overnights, limit other contact unless supervised and keep records of everything. Legal advice (if you can find money for a one-off consult, or find a legal clinic near you) wouldn’t be a bad thing so you’re forearmed in case your ex starts telling you “you can’t do this” etc etc. I’m sure NSPCC would be able to signpost or be a useful source of advice.

If your ex’s reaction is that he can totally understand your concern and it’ll never happen again etc etc then give him the chance to rebuild trust but monitor carefully and take it slowly.

If that’s not his reaction then pay attention to what he is telling you about who he is and think carefully about what you want your son to learn both from his dad, and from you, and from his experience of telling you about something scary that happened to him at dad’s house. Show him he has a voice and an adult in his life who takes him seriously and will protect him.

If you think his GP’s house is a safe place and you need childcare help then ask them to step up - they already told you they are sometimes looking after your son on your ex’s nights. If not then find another solution.

Wow to those saying they would leave a little one on their own to nip to the shop! I knew a girl that did this. But on the way to shop had an accident and had to tell paramedics that her young son was home alone. Resulted in the little one going into his grandparents care and plenty of social services involvement. What if your little one choked on his vomit while dad was out? Also the weed would be a massive no too. Sorry OP he's put you in this situation.

Thank you

A 4 minute walk away is NOT just around the corner.

Not acceptable to leave a 5 year old

Do you get on with the grandparents? Maybe cut out the middle man, and just arrange contact with them, (due to the drug use at the home), and his father can visit him there.

The shop... if it was to get calpol for example... I'd be sympathetic. If it was for beer... completely unreasonable.

I’d stop him going . Leaving him alone is one thing but the weed? Absolutely no way. Apart from the health risks you don’t want your son thinking it’s normal to smoke weed.

What a neglectful arsehole he is.

I know you want him to have a good relationship with his dad but his dad isn't capable of being a good parent. There is no way on this earth I would send him back there given his dad has left him alone while he is vomiting and that he comes back stinking of weed. Absolutely no way.

I wouldn't be happy with leaving him unsupervised.
This happened locally to us a few years ago, but single mum living alone with 4yr old, she went to shop only across the road but was knocked down by a car, no one knew about the child or who she was when taken to hospital as unconscious very bad head injury.
3 days the child was inside alone eventually reported by a postman trying to deliver a parcel and hearing the child crying thankfully outcome was good for child & mother but scary to think what could have happened.
I'd explain calmly why it's not acceptable.

If you decide it's not safe for your DS to go to his Dad can you manage looking after DS alone 7 days a week? Do you have family or support?

Omg that’s terrible 😢

This is very sobering and absolutely heartbreaking. That poor, poor child spending 3 days alone.

Before I came on here, asserting it was illegal to leave a child alone under the age of 11 (which I truly believed was the case), I was surprised (and disappointed) to learn that ‘rule’ is only an advisory. I also feel concerned when children are left in the car at petrol stations or supermarket car parks, I always consider the worst happening - and sadly it has in the past.

I personally wouldn’t take this lightly OP. If there’s drugs in the house, that’s a safeguarding risk. What if little one accidentally ate some whilst father was at the shops? Does he smoke it with your son there? And do you know for sure there’s no other types of drugs in the house?

I’d seek further guidance and make my concerns very clear to the Father and disclose the steps I’d be willing to take to eliminate further risk.

Just to add, my 3 year old turned the gas hob on this afternoon, accidentally I think as I wasn’t looking at him so I don’t know how he managed it. Rather stupidly I’d left a tea towel on the hob top ( I will never ever do that again!). I was literally 2 ft away at the time and still I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep properly for the next week.