To respond this way when my daughter asked "How do I get a job?"

[Mastmw7g]

My husband and I have spent a lot of time and energy explaining the job search process to my daughter when she's asked this question in the past, so this time I just sent a link to a website that laid out the steps to finding jobs. But I feel guilty, like I should have infinite patience and be supportive. She's 20 and is earning but we got her the job she's at. She's never had to look for a job and says she's scared.

YANBU unless there are mitigating circumstances like a learning difficulty, mental health condition etc.

But why are you so exasperated? Why does she want another job?

Why has she never had to look for a job? What has she done so far and didn't she go and see the careers advisor at college/university?

Is it the interviews she’s scared of? Can you do a pretend interview with her or get a family member/friend to do one?

The rest of the process is CV/form filling so can be tricky but not scary I’d have though…

She has to just start applying and figure it out. Most applications online are clear about what is needed (upload CV here, cover letter there etc). She’s grown up in the age of tech so it’s not like she’s learning how to use the internet. The only way is to try.

Is it the bigger picture /what job do I go for/ where is my future going/if I get this wrong will it ruin my life/what shall I do now? Type questions that she's really asking here?

She does have anxiety. I think I'm exasperated because we've been over this in the past and she obviously didn't absorb anything. She's unhappy with her job and wants something else.

She may need a bit of a handhold to get underway. Could you review and edit her CV with her? Help her find good recruitment websites to use for the sector she wants to be in? That sort of thing. Just a thought and I hope she finds something she enjoys soon.

In that case I think a little bit of support is still needed - trying to find a job because your current one makes you unhappy can be soul-destroying.

Also agree with PP that is she actually asking “what direction am I going in/where is my future” rather than “how do I find and apply for a job vacancy”?

I literally sat down with DD and Indeed.co.uk on the laptop, made us both a cup of tea and was there to answer silly questions as she did some applications. Not telling her what to do, or doing it for her, but being there for moral support, interpreting business terms that she might not have come across before and helping with phrasing (if I'm doing an application myself, I often give DH a yell to help fine tune my wording). An hour sitting across the kitchen table just being there was much more productive than endless lectures on how to do it.

What exactly is she scared of?

She did go to the careers advisor in the past, but she has a habit of trying to make herself seem impressive and I doubt she asked for help. I don't think she's worried about the interview or thinking that she has to take the next step to her future. I assume she's worried that if she applies to a job, she'll get it and the job will make her as miserable as she is now. Or more miserable.

Have you tried asking her what’s she is worried about? You’re her Mum and she’s worried and wanted to chat and a bit of support. I don’t think she is asking too much.

My DDs time to have school support that stuff fell in the Covid years. After that, for one, college did nothing, sixth form for the other one only helpful as far as the application to Uni processes.

Ah ok. Well maybe she needs help to work out what she hates about current job and how she can try to ensure the next job doesn’t have that.

YABU. When I read all the threads about kids who are complete layabouts who still expect their parents to do all their washing and finance their life, you should consider yourself lucky. Your daughter sounds anxious and if she is 20, she will have been heavily impacted by the lockdowns. You need to show her a bit of empathy and understanding.

@AsTheyPulledYouOutOfTheOxygenTent My husband has sat her down and showed her recruitment websites. They spent 20 minutes looking at job vacancies and she said she couldn't do anymore even though she hadn't applied to any. I've gotten everything out on the table for her to sit down with me on a day she said she wanted to do this with me. I was ready, but she said she was too exhausted. My husband has made a CV with her. So she has the keys. I just feel guilty about not doing more to help her open the door.

Does she actually have anxiety? As in, a diagnosed anxiety disorder? Or is this just normal anxiety that literally everyone gets when job searching?

She tends to respond badly when I ask her questions. She's said she feels pestered. She has a good relationship with my husband and he said he doesn't ask her questions. I would say he tends to validate her emotions, so I have been trying that and it's successful in improving our relationship, but I know it's not helping with her job search.

Your DD needs a specific goal. So I'd suggest she starts by deciding what sort of work is attractive and a good fit by considering her interests and abilities. Then research the sort of experience and qualifications she would need and come up with an action plan to achieve them. Just applying for any old thing in a scatter gun manner is overwhelming and demotivating. She needs to see what's she's actually aiming for and be spurred on by the thought of the reward that will bring.

@PostItInABook She has a diagnosed anxiety disorder

@PostItInABook is asking exactly what I was wondering too. It is stressful applying for a job & you are essentially awaiting judgement on you as a person which isn't fun for anyone but unless there's a significant/diagnosed condition just something she needs to get on with and learn to manage her emotions like the rest of us. And I'd also venture that you might need to take a step back - provide love and support but no more hand holding. She is 20 and needs to grow up by the sounds of it.

Apologies cross-posted. Then more involvement & support is understandable but there also needs to be a point at which she does this on her own.

Does she have learning difficulties that stop her from using the search function on her phone? Why is a 20 year old so exhausted?
It sounds like shes so used to having her arse wiped that she's anxious about wiping it herself

I think she needs to understand that getting a job can be time consuming and how to handle rejection, and not take it personally. It's mostly luck and just a numbers game, she can't expect to apply for one job and get it. She's 20 - why is she still living with you?

That's it then for the rest of her life?