To ask, if you had a very anxious/troubled pre-teen what were the top things that helped?

[Nevermindtheteacaps]

DD is 9 and extremely anxious with self esteem issues, suspected neuro divergent etc. Most recently she has started pulling out her own hair and the damage is visible.

I have a psychologist for her (thank you BUPA) and feel VERY lucky to be able to access this. So the root cause is being addressed.

If you've been this spot what other interventions as a parent helped? Exercise? More 121 time? Any particular activities?

I have an older DD and remember this age being HARD and know they can grow out of a lot - but younger DD is really struggling.

Any tips from those who have climbed this mountain appreciated.

I am certain someone wise will be along soon....

My DD has adhd.

At a similar age - talking through problem solving strategies

Solid routine so she knew what happened each weekday morning for example

Exercise and good diet (multivitamins) stop it being worse but don't help as such.

A cat to cuddle

Soft toys to cuddle

How is she doing at school?

Does she have extra curriculars that she likes?

These all have an impact as when the anxiety gets going you can say (for example) but you're great at ballet!

Hi! You're not alone.

Here's what I found helped in addition to therapy, although you probably do a lot of these already.
Fresh air and sunlight when possible. Boosting self-esteem by listening to them and engaging on their level, make them feel valued. Good vitamins. Enough sleep. Thanking them. Praising effort not just outcome. Naming emotions and feelings. Empathising. Give responsibility where appropriate. Physical work eg gardening can help with neurodivergent sensory seeking and gives a good dopamine hit from a job well done.

Oh yes routine! Good old reliable, predictable, safe routine.

We had a very troubled pre teen. DS developed crippling separation anxiety, general fear of leaving the house and lots of other random fears and phobias aged 10.

He saw a counsellor weekly from the age of 10-14 I which gave him coping strategies but he hardly used those. It did however give him a routine and anchor point to offload each week which really benefitted him.

My main approach tbh was to pick our battles, and I'm pretty sure our way wouldn't be approved of by many but it worked for us.

So we allowed him to withdraw from holidays, social events and things he found stressful, but the flip side was that school was non-negotiable. We figured the social things he could pick up later but if he missed out on school that wouldn't be so easy to backfill.

We gave him a lot of 1-2-1 time to talk. A lot. But then sometimes we also had to say, ok that's enough for today because we can't just talk about feelings constantly - he had space but we tried to let him see that he lives in a family and a world where his feelings are only one part of it.

Definitely get the school on-side. Transition to secondary was horrific but the new school were incredibly supportive, they tipped the balance and stopped both DS and myself having a complete breakdown.

Epilogue: DS is now 20 and still has some anxiety, also a diagnosis of autism. But he completed school, is at Uni, socialises with friends a little, and even has a girlfriend. I would never have imagined any of this 10 years ago.

Dealing with a 10 year old with morning/evening low mood with no apparent source/reason - am falling back on the toddler basics of sleep, exercise, food. I noticed a few things had crept up eg. a few too many "treat meals"/takeaways, screens too close to bedtime, a later bedtime so not enough sleep, etc.

I can't control his moods and am relying on a few other things to help him learn how to manage his emotions. So I'm trying to focus on healthy structures at home, which I can control, to give him maximum resilience. I know that I myself am more fragile when I've not had enough sleep or exercise and have been eating like shit.

So for me I'm taking steps to help him:

• meal planning so no excuses on nutrition
• leaving my phone downstairs at bedtime so he can't tempt me to watch funny cat videos before bed
• organisation the night before so the morning is not a mad stressful rush and we start the day right
• letting him watch netflix only on the peloton so he's moving
• bribing him to walk the dog with me (nature/movement/dog)

Her diet isn't the best, she has the expected sensory issues with food. Any multivitamins that actually work? Most are low-dose and poorly absorbed.

She is doing well/a little above average and has 2/3 extra curriculars she really enjoys although she will often experience anxiety about these too

Thank you. Have been thinking about starting a vege patch!

@PeonyFlush72

Thank you for sharing and so pleased your DS is doing well

@Xiaoxiong

Interesting re the peloton, do you think it mitigates the negatives of screen time?

Hi
My daughter has struggled with anxiety/OCD type behaviours and intrusive thoughts.
These are the things that have helped;
Time and safe space to talk about feelings
Exercise/ dog walking even if she doesn't want to
Encourage creativity and crafting
No compromise on going to school but lots of downtime on weekends
A dog
We worked through an OCD workbook together that encouraged her to talk through and name her anxieties
Calling out the 'bully' in her brain which does the whole 'perfectionism' and catastrophic thinking. The therapist encouraged this to help her see it is bad habit of her brain and not the truth.

A few posters have mentioned dogs - we also got a dog and it really helped!

Cuddles, something to laugh about, something to talk about, and an excuse to drag him out of the house now and again.

Literally there were times when he was in a panic and the dog would do something ridiculous or naughty and he would instantly snap out of it. Yes, it doesn't fix the underlying issues but the distraction and alternative focus were a blessing.

Would love a dog but the cats would move out! She loves the cats though and finds stroking them comforting

My son has sensory issues. Fortunately he really likes salad and fruit to bolster his deeply monotonous diet of pasta with butter and cheese and Margherita pizza. He has a Bassets multivitamin with omega 3 (chewy, basically a jelly sweet). He also loves berry smoothies - frozen berries, half a banana and some orange juice whizzed in a blender.

I used to pull my hair at that age. Ended up with a little bold patch, which was luckily easily hidden with a pony tail.

I am not sure why I was doing it. I liked the little ping and the way it felt when hair comes out... Habitual?
It was a phase. I was told not to do it many times, and one day I stopped... I don't remember being anxious at the time, at all.

I had a friend who used to scratch her cheeks when studying. She was getting little scars. She stopped after a while too...

So just a bit of reassurance that these things are fairly common ime. We did outgrow them.

Honestly.. 150mg Sertraline. We doesn’t realise how bad she is was until she got better.

A friends son went on medication in year 6 for anxiety. It helped immensely and now in year 9 he doesn't take it anymore. It might not be for your DD but it can help and doesn't have to be forever.

DS was a troubled pre-teen.

He had regular counselling.

Very strict routines.

When he was very troubled I moved his mattress into our bedroom. He didn't want to sleep in our bed, but did want to be near us at night.

Lots of non-pressurised down time. He often wanted to play with younger toys or watch DVDs like Winnie The Pooh.

School was difficult, so home was a non-judgemental safe space. That didn't mean I condoned stuff, but I dealt with it in our own time, after the dust had settled.

Lots of reassurance and generally showing him that he was loved.

Listening to what he said without contradiction. If his thinking was muddled, I would mention it another time, not when he was trying to tell me something.

All very basic stuff that can get overlooked if you start overthinking things 🙂

@user1name thank you very much

@user1name

DD likes the ping too I think..

Unfortunately hers is quite noticeable, especially as she had fine hair to begin with

@cuckyplunt - for a 9 year old??

Magnesium citrate powder, Holland and Barrett. Easy to take in a small amount of juice and made a visible difference.

Gravity blanket.

Re screen time, I've seen research suggesting that it's social media that has the biggest link with anxiety, rather than screen time per se. Does she have access to TikTok, Snapchat etc?