To ask, if you had a very anxious/troubled pre-teen what were the top things that helped?

[Nevermindtheteacaps]

DD is 9 and extremely anxious with self esteem issues, suspected neuro divergent etc. Most recently she has started pulling out her own hair and the damage is visible.

I have a psychologist for her (thank you BUPA) and feel VERY lucky to be able to access this. So the root cause is being addressed.

If you've been this spot what other interventions as a parent helped? Exercise? More 121 time? Any particular activities?

I have an older DD and remember this age being HARD and know they can grow out of a lot - but younger DD is really struggling.

Any tips from those who have climbed this mountain appreciated.

A combination of a counsellor and strict boundaries with us. We were running ourselves ragged bending over backwards to make her life easier and make accomodations. After reading up on anxiety and speaking to her counsellor, we put strict boundaries in places around when we would talk through worries with her etc to not exacerbate the situation by feeding her anxiety. We explained that we loved her, but dropping everything to talk to her every time she had a meltdown wasn't good for anyone and was actually making it worse for her so we would talk to her once a day about her worries and the rest of the time she had a worry box she could write worries down in and we would get to them the next day. It was really hard to enforce at first. She wanted to carry on as she had been and got really upset but we stood form and she slowly adapted. A few months later she was a different child. Best decision we ever made. She's several years down the line now and very rarely has anxiety.

Thank you for asking this. My 15 year old is diagnosed autistic with OCD and severe anxiety. She pulls her hair as well as picks the skin on her hands raw. She is on 50mg Sertraline but it’s not helping. And vitamins. Not got many answers for you, just following mainly for advice. I do find doing activities she enjoyed as a younger child work temporarily (like going to the playground or playing with younger children’s toys) if she needs soothing. Mindful activities like baking and colouring in are good. She has started drumming lessons which she is good at. We are yet to crack the exercise thing as she is not keen at all, but I do take her swimming when she agrees to it. And I have hired an SEN tutor to help her gain confidence who is good so far. Haven’t found the right counsellor yet but will keep trying with this. It’s v tough isn’t it?

Lots of what others have said..mine found drama at that age and loves it. Picking battles definitely and remembering that even school can be picked up later if needed be. There are some days when mine just can't do it. She masks at school and is the typical ADHD "oh she's fine when here, really happy" and then implodes at home every few weeks. every once in a while if she needs a down day, she has one, but I do keep a close eye on it. She had blood tests and got iron and vitamin D prescribed too.

@Toblerbone no and neither does my teen, for these reasons!

@Mummadeze

I'm
So sorry to hear this, does your DD have a therapist?

@Nevermindtheteacaps she did have one but it wasn’t helping and I don’t think she could communicate well with her. It is tricky as she is very very shy and won’t communicate with many people. I do want to try and find another one though as I know it is about finding the right fit.

Sport - any sport. Climbing, fencing, football whatever.

Get her out doing sport as much as you can.

We had an anxious pre teen for a while.

The single best thing for us was an EMDR therapist. A child specialist. It wasn’t cheap but 12 sessions and things are infinitely better.

Also he is home educated now so happy out of that pressured environment.

I should add that EMDR can be especially good for children who find the communication side of counseling hard as there isn’t as much actual talking and going over their issues. It’s practical in a sense and uses eyes, ears and tapping to work. It’s a good sort of magic!

My eldest, now 22, has ASD and OCD with severe anxiety. That’s a pretty low dose of Sertraline for addressing OCD. Mine is on 175 after a very slow careful titration managed by their Psychiatrist.

Therapy wasn’t a great success, the combination of ASD and OCD can be particularly difficult because of the absolute/black-and-white thinking which makes it extremely hard for them to work through their thoughts behind the obsessions/rituals. We did persist with some adapted CBT via a private Psychologist, but eventually stopped seeing them and just carried on with 6 monthly appointments with a private Psychiatrist.

What has always helped him was being out in nature, walks on the beach/in the woods/country paths etc. Spending time with our dog and being given space to just ‘be’, rather than having pressure put on him to do anything. He took a couple of years out after school/6th form and bizarrely the pandemic helped, as it took the pressure off him and gave him chance to properly relax at home in his safe space. Mindfulness is good too, in his case it’s model-building.

Ultimately, maturity, finally feeling like he is achieving in life and leaving behind the toxicity of school has been what has helped the most though. He started a foundation year at Uni last September (living at home and commuting in via a DSA funded taxi) and has gone from strength to strength. He has a nice little friendship group and is the happiest I’ve ever seen him, at least since he was tiny.

I have 2 anxious kids , my son is the worst. He is 14. He has adhd .He isn't so much as a worrier but he suffers from severe physical side effects of anxiety such ad dizziness, panick attacks, heavy head etc. He gets himself very worked up about certain things such as flying , the barbers . Have to constantly reassure and sometimes ignore as it can make it worse if we focus on it
My daughter is 10 and is starting with the self esteem issues. She's had a few nasty comments from other horrid girls in the class telling her her teeth are yellow, she looks like Drayco malfoy, and more . It breaks my heart . Now she won't let me take photos of her. She bites the skin on the end of her fingers and also feels wobbly and dizzy in certain situations.
I'm an anxious adult but wasn't an anxious child so I find it distressing to see them suffering. I would like my son to be put on anti anxiety medication but I think they would say he's too young at the moment

Great to hear, her psychologist has suggested she will try EDMR

@Driverpicksthemusic thank you for your post and really glad to hear he is happier. It’s great to hear positive news about coming out the other side